Page 13 | Asking partner not to eat food I’m severely allergic to ?

muggart · 16/10/2025 20:25

defrazzled · 16/10/2025 18:19

I'll just leave this here 🙄https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34663441/

oh my gosh this is horrendous. those poor, poor teens.

i really feel for kids, like my daughter, who will have to manage dating and relationships with allergies. what a minefield.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/10/2025 20:32

Americano75 · 15/10/2025 19:39

You'd think she'd be proud of having such a considerate son but there you go.

This with bells on.

And another thing OP.. I'd be very careful about eating any MIL offered or cooked because she sounds determined to disbelieve that its a real condition and I wouldn't put it past her to introduce something to the food to prove her point.

What you've been through sounds very serious.

It sounds like your DP is conscientious though.

MIL can fish off.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 16/10/2025 20:36

My husband is anaphylactic to nuts so we don’t have them in the home. If I eat them we don’t kiss for a day or so after and I obvs wash hands and change clothes when I come home.

MIL is BU. I think many people do not understand that food allergies are potentially fatal. They genuinely do not see or care about the risk.

NormaNormalPants · 16/10/2025 20:49

Some of these replies have really surprised me. I’m severely allergic to shellfish, so much so I nearly died when someone kissed me on the cheek on a night out after eating a prawn sandwich at lunch. By some weird quirk DH is the first person I’ve ever dated that likes shellfish, but he happily gave up shellfish when things got serious (prior to that we had a 48hr rule) as it just wasn’t worth the risk. Even my in-laws avoid shellfish, or at least contact with me if they’ve eaten shellfish within 48hrs of seeing me. It’s mind blowing to me that some people could consider this controlling when we’re literally talking a life or death risk here.

SinnerBoy · 16/10/2025 20:54

mermaidproblems · 15/10/2025 17:29

Severely allergic . I have epi pens and have been hospitalised previously. I react from cross contamination etc. When I first knew DP we had an incident where he had eaten fish at lunchtime and in the evening I had a reaction just from kissing. MIL was going on about how he loved fish and he’s being deprived. He was more than happy to have a meal with her but she wanted them to have the same !

I had a friend as a lodger 20 years ago and she was allergic to fish and shellfish. I knew, but didn't realise just how sensitive she was. I had fish and chips, did the washing up and she used a plate from the same batch of washing up.

She had a reaction very quickly, not really bad, but it brought it home to me and I never had fish in the house again whilst she lived there.

I voted you are not being unreasonable and your MiL is a blithering idiot.

LatteLady · 16/10/2025 21:02

One can only assume that the 30% and your MiL have never seen anyone in anaphylaxis... an Epipen administered does not return the patient to a preset factory model... often it will take more than one dose and then there is a slow recovery, assuming that they did not die. Yes, I know that is stark but this is what might happen... so, I think your husband is both sensible and caring, and your MiL should probably be shown what actually happens to someone with severe allergic reactions.

changeme4this · 16/10/2025 21:05

I don’t understand why she is kicking off about it after 12 years.

what brought that on?

Tortielady · 16/10/2025 21:08

I think pps are right to warn the OP about eating anything her MiL has made. It's only too easy to imagine someone as determinedly ignorant as her slipping some Worcestershire Sauce (sixth ingredient, anchovies) into an otherwise innocuous shepherd's pie, because she's sure you're wrong.

I don't have any loved ones with food allergies, but I have a friend who is gluten intolerant, another who has to avoid lactose and a relative with Crohn's. Food related conditions aren't a joke, they make navigating daily life at best a headache for those who have them and at worst, physically dangerous. MiL's attitude is unconscionable.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/10/2025 21:26

Tortielady · 16/10/2025 21:08

I think pps are right to warn the OP about eating anything her MiL has made. It's only too easy to imagine someone as determinedly ignorant as her slipping some Worcestershire Sauce (sixth ingredient, anchovies) into an otherwise innocuous shepherd's pie, because she's sure you're wrong.

I don't have any loved ones with food allergies, but I have a friend who is gluten intolerant, another who has to avoid lactose and a relative with Crohn's. Food related conditions aren't a joke, they make navigating daily life at best a headache for those who have them and at worst, physically dangerous. MiL's attitude is unconscionable.

I am sure there was a thread on here (admittedly a while back) where the MIL/Grandmother put the known allergen into the food of a child to "prove" that the child wasnt allergic.

The child was ill but ultimately ok, but iirc (again, it was a while ago) the OP was determined to never allow her child to be in the Grandmother/MIL's care again and was questioning whether NC was appropriate. Think her husband was playing it down as "oh she didnt mean it, she didnt realise".

I remember it because I was horrified that a person would knowingly put a child at risk just to try and prove their mother wrong.

DearDenimEagle · 16/10/2025 21:33

mermaidproblems · 15/10/2025 17:38

He said he explained to her, she was upset as wanted to have the same as apparently when you have fish and chips everyone has the same he said surely it’s the company that matters not what each person eats .

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No..that’s just her . When we go for Fish suppers, everyone has what they want. Our usual being a fish supper, a black pudding supper, a chicken burger and a crunchy pizza supper, or white pudding, plus a curry sauce and some onion rings

ThisCheekyHazelSheep · 16/10/2025 21:35

If my partner was that allergic I wouldn't eat that stuff either.

I wouldn't want it in the house, my friends, family and everyone would be aware of it, there are allergies and then there are severe allergic reactions, if you don't have an epi pen or the epi pen fails then that person will die.

Seems pretty reasonable to me to just avoid it and not take the risk.

Perhaps MIL is not your biggest fan.

Could she be jealous that her son loves another woman enough to make a sacrifice and this is how she gets at you and makes you the villain in her mind?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 16/10/2025 21:39

His mum sounds like the controlling one wanting him to eat the same as her. It’s not doing her any harm if he doesn’t eat fish for goodness sake. Really rude of her to message you and have a go at you about it. I don’t think I’d be able to help this affecting how I viewed her.

pineapplesundae · 16/10/2025 21:44

You didn’t tell husband what he can not eat, he decided.

Tortielady · 16/10/2025 22:08

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/10/2025 21:26

I am sure there was a thread on here (admittedly a while back) where the MIL/Grandmother put the known allergen into the food of a child to "prove" that the child wasnt allergic.

The child was ill but ultimately ok, but iirc (again, it was a while ago) the OP was determined to never allow her child to be in the Grandmother/MIL's care again and was questioning whether NC was appropriate. Think her husband was playing it down as "oh she didnt mean it, she didnt realise".

I remember it because I was horrified that a person would knowingly put a child at risk just to try and prove their mother wrong.

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I think I saw it or something like it - there are a number of stories around which are on the same theme. The power dynamics of cooking, feeding and who decides what's on your plate are very common in many families; my MiL never really accepted my DH's vegetarianism and visits tended to be like groundhog day, with the same questions about chicken, fish, eggs, dairy etc. It was an issue if we ate at her house, (when we'd offer to bring something veggie or help to cook while we were there) ours, or if we ate out and it got very wearing. As it was a matter of principle rather than health/life preserving, it wasn't as difficult as the OP's situation, but the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that she saw her DS's rejection of an omnivorous diet as a rejection of her. The OP's DP might be having to deal with something like this while also keeping his DP safe from something a lot more threatening than Parmesan with animal rennet in it.

JayJayEl · 16/10/2025 22:21

LeaderBee · 15/10/2025 19:40

It's a bit of a tough one really, he should obviously be careful around you but at the same time, he doesn't have an allergy so him never being able to eat the thing again seems a bit unfair, especially if he likes it.

Is there a time frame where he can eat something and then the effects wear off before he interacts with you?

If someone told me i could never eat curry again because you're allergic, id be having a good old think about whether i could tolerate that anymore or not.

You would consider ending a decade long relationship all because you couldn't eat curry?! That's fucking MENTAL.

sunshine244 · 16/10/2025 22:21

Is there any more context to the situation?

I have very happy memories of sitting down a local beach with my Mum sharing a bag of fish and chips. Occasionally we go and do this together again (albeit a different beach now) and it is such a lovely experience. Yes we could eat different things but if I was in op's situation I think the 24hr apart would be worthwhile doing occasionally to make my mum happy.

However, if its just a matter of principle with nothing else special attached then she's being really unreasonable.

76evie · 16/10/2025 23:48

mermaidproblems · 15/10/2025 17:35

It was his decision I didn’t tell him he had to give them up. He knew we would never have those foods in the house . If he did want to eat them he would just have to keep away from me for maybe 24 hours afterwards, I had a reaction previously approximately 8 hours after he ate fish at lunchtime when we first knew each other and he had showered and brushed teeth but still there must have been some trace of it. He said it’s easier and safer to just avoid it and it does make me feel less worried knowing that but obviously it’s choice.

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Your MIL is the one being unreasonable!!

Ridiculous that she is upset cos they can’t eat the same meal, have you told him the message she sent you? I hope he puts her in her place.

Throwaway65131 · 17/10/2025 00:06

sunshine244 · 16/10/2025 22:21

Is there any more context to the situation?

I have very happy memories of sitting down a local beach with my Mum sharing a bag of fish and chips. Occasionally we go and do this together again (albeit a different beach now) and it is such a lovely experience. Yes we could eat different things but if I was in op's situation I think the 24hr apart would be worthwhile doing occasionally to make my mum happy.

However, if its just a matter of principle with nothing else special attached then she's being really unreasonable.

But why does HE have to have fish? She can have fish and he can have whatever he wants. Would they have to both have fish if OP didn’t have an allergy and it was just that he didn’t like fish - to keep his mum happy? Or could he have food he liked?

Todayismyfavouriteday · 17/10/2025 02:51

YABU. Your partner can enjoy the food with his mother in a different room (if you are so severely allergic that you can't even be close to them), then thoroughly wash his hands, teeth and make sure every surface has been disinfected. He should be able to eat what he wants, as long as it does not affect you.

Christmascakeforbreakfast · 17/10/2025 06:36

Todayismyfavouriteday · 17/10/2025 02:51

YABU. Your partner can enjoy the food with his mother in a different room (if you are so severely allergic that you can't even be close to them), then thoroughly wash his hands, teeth and make sure every surface has been disinfected. He should be able to eat what he wants, as long as it does not affect you.

Clearly you have no idea how allergies can still
kill people under those instructions!

Meep2024 · 17/10/2025 06:39

OrlandointheWilderness · 16/10/2025 18:36

I get the feeling some people really don’t understand how severe an allergy can be..! It is his choice and his DM is being the controlling one.

Yep. One of the misconceptions at the moment is some who think those with severe allergies are just being dramatic have started to say 'just use your epipen then if you start reacting'.

Epipens are timebuyers until they can get to a hospital. They aren't quick fixes. The poor girl that died on the plane after eating the Pret Sandwich had 2 epipens on her and both were used mid flight.

FWIW if you're ever in this situation please put the second epipen in the other thigh to the first one. :(

autienotnaughty · 17/10/2025 06:46

Not unreasonable at all. If he ate them while away and returned after several days of showering/teeth brushing etc presumably that would be fine but not if he’s coming back to you.
I’d say to mil - his choice and she talks to him about it.
its concerning your mil has such little care for you, does she dislike you or is it ignorance of allergies.

LilacReader · 17/10/2025 06:47

MummyNeedsCoffee1 · 15/10/2025 17:35

I’d say not having it in the house and not eating it when with you makes sense. The rest Id leave up to him. Presumably he’s a responsible adult and will wash hands and brush teeth if he had it when he was out.

But she has left it up to him - she states it's his choice?! He made it after a worrying incident earlier.

Booboobagins · 17/10/2025 06:56

Wolfpa · 15/10/2025 17:25

Will him eating them with his mum cause you to have a reaction?

Are you kidding.

If he east something his dp. Is allergic to if they touch/kiss there is a definite risk of a reaction.

@mermaidproblems YANBU your Mil needs to wind her neck in.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 17/10/2025 06:58

mermaidproblems · 15/10/2025 17:24

Am I BU? I didn’t think so ?!!!

MIL has lost it today over DP not being able to have fish and chips with her . I’m allergic to fish, shellfish and peanuts. We’ve always had the agreement he avoids these foods too. She has sent me a message telling me I’m too controlling and ‘you can’t tell someone what they can and can’t eat’

I think you are controlling if you are trying to ban him from eating the food you are allergic to even if he isn’t with you. If this is about what he eats when you are all together, that’s different, as it’s a safety issue. I would add the caveat though that it depends how severe the allergy. If you can go into anaphalytic shock, definitely not. If it’s more minor, he shouldn’t be so curtailed by you.