Who is in charge of this child?

[harmonise]

We have a holiday booked for the October half term, only a cheap uk break but ds 19 has asked to bring his gf 17 and we have agreed.
Ds has said they will go off and do their own thing a bit, both drive but I have said to Ds that she is still a child and I will be responsible for her.
He says actually he’s an adult and will be the one responsible for her.
How would you feel in this position?

I was married at 17. I was a perfectly fine adult.

What do you think OP would be doing if the gf had an accident that she wouldn’t be doing for her if the gf was 25 years old?
Or that the DS wouldn’t be as capable of?

They are in the UK

I don’t know what the rules are where you are, but in hospitals in my country if this girl were in an accident and unconscious etc we would treat her adult partner as the next of kin. If they were both under 18, we would use emergency consent processes until her parents could be contacted.

His parents would have nothing to do with it unless she (or he) wished them to be present for support.

In life or limb-threatening situations we would act without any consent if needed. I can’t think of a circumstance in which we’d have recourse to her boyfriend’s parents, it’s far too tenuous a relationship.

Can't you even read the first post properly? They are in the UK.

I went on my first girly holiday to Ibiza at 17. Surely she can be responsible for herself?

So if she was 18 you'd leave her to it, really?? I wouldn't. If she was 17 or 20, if she was on holiday with me and alone and upset in an area she didn't know I'd check all is well.

They both drive so why would they be going off on a moped? How would she get ill in a foreign country in a uk holiday?

you say she’s a child yet has a driving license and is more than likely sleeping with your son. Give the girl a break.

I'd do the same for another adult though if they were upset and potentially doing something dangerous. That doesn't mean you're 'in charge' of them.

For the record I have young adult grandchildren so I do know what teenagers are like.

What do you actually mean by responsible? She will only need someone to consent for her if you/they are doing activities that an under 18 year old can't do without consent, and at that point her 19 year old boyfriend could be that person, unless they need an actual parent or legal guardian which you aren't anyway! Otherwise you are just talking about you feeling that she is being responsible with her behaviour, which either means you actually think she, and probably your son are likely to be taking silly risks, doing drugs or something else illegal, or having unprotected sex, or who is responsible for her is kind of not really an issue!

Not a legal adult then?

I know it’s true in a legal sense, but referring to her as a child while talking about her adult boyfriend gives me the creeps… Perhaps that’s a “me problem”, though.

What sort of things do you think you’ll have to be responsible for? Knowing what 17-19 year olds are like, they’re all quite independent and for the most part, sensible (especially on a family holiday).

I do understand the concern for “responsibility”, but to be honest at their age, I wouldn’t really think about it at all. When my daughter was 9, we allowed her to bring a friend to our camping holiday. To be honest, I don’t think responsibility even crossed our minds. It would’ve just been a given that if something serious happened, we’d have looked after her until her parents arrived.
We did regret our decision slightly when she declared that she hated chip shop chips after we’d just paid £50 for a chippy dinner…

@wackiejeaver
I know it’s true in a legal sense, but referring to her as a child while talking about her adult boyfriend gives me the creeps… Perhaps that’s a “me problem”, though.

I think this might be what’s skewing a lot of replies tbh. Thst and the fact the thread title is ‘who is in charge of’ - nobody needs to be but of course OP is a responsible person in the same way she would be if the GF was 18/19/20+ thats just normal that in the event you would help another person.

The OP saying they want to do their own thing but she is responsible indicated to me, along with the use of ‘in charge’ and ‘child’ made me think she wants to control what they do, not simply be available if needed

I think the issue is that you and your DS are arguing over who is 'responsible for her' like she is an inanimate object.

I don't think either of you need to be responsible FOR her, you all need to behave responsibly.

As part of that, if you don't know her parents, I would ask for their number and just introduce myself before going. Check whether they had any issues, let them know they can contact you if necessary, and you will do the same.

Beyond that, surely it is just a case of being ready to deal with any emergency that may crop up. If you were away with friends and one was taken ill or in an accident, everyone would pitch in and help, contact family, stay with them until partner arrived etc. Surely it's just the same?

My question is… if you really view this girl as a “child” why are you allowing your adult son to bring a minor on holiday? Why are you accepting of their relationship? She is 17, not 6. Get a grip.

Im also unclear what responsible means in this case. I assume they go out by themselves at home, so I'm unsure why they need a chaperone 24/7 in Norfolk?

@wackiejeaver it game me the ick as well. it sound like "I'm the adult and therefore I am responsible for my gf who is still a child". I know he was propably was saying something like I'm over 18 and when we go out and about, you don't have to worry. But still.

For what it is worth, 20 years ago my 17 year old daughter went abroad with her 17 year old boyfriend. They were both nearly 18 and quite mature. I went with them to the travel agent, in case I needed to sign anything. The travel agent wouldn’t let them book the holiday without insurance and was really trying to sell them the travel agent’s own insurance. I suggested to them that they took the insurance with the holiday company they were travelling with, as it was cheaper for under 18s. The travel agent was really unhappy. She phoned the travel company to check that 2, 17 year olds travelling together, with no one else could still get the reduced rate and was told yes they could.

The tone of some of the posts on this thread is unpleasant. The OP was asking for opinions, not to be told to get a grip or to "get real" or any of the other unhelpful and quite rude comments.

I totally agree @Screamingabdabz

Then why is op encouraging her adult sons relationship with this child?

Grown up enough to drive and have a consensual relationship with an adult, but needs that adults mum to take responsibility for her on holiday?

Who is in charge of this child?

What a weird, weird title. Even stranger that the OP discussed it with her son and they were arguing over who was "responsible" for his girlfriend.

If I was the gf I think I'd stay at home 😐

My kids 16, 18 and 20 - the 18 and 20 at different universities.

16-17 is a grey area - which TBH we liked as we could step back at their pace getting them ready to be independent at 18 rather than sudden jolt I had - college for A-level rather than school also helps.

If Op was going abroad then yes I think she'd have more responsibility - but she staying in the UK. The NHS will treat as an adult and laws are pretty consistent.

I'm in wales the maturity of 16-17 like rest of UK does vary but here they can vote and they can enter the workforce - one of DD2 friends actually has a full time job - not in edcuation or training at all. Dentists/GP/orthodontists all treat them as adults and they can go themsleves. Some of DD2 older friends are taking driving lessons so could be driving after test at 17.

At most her parents contact details and talk around alcohol expectations is needed - more would be appropriate if going aboard but UK that should be it - I'm not sure what other responsibility is needed. She not a fully fledged adult but she not a child either and a lot depends on her level of maturity and how close she is to 18 - just 17 is slightly different to two days off 18.

This is MN so at 17 she's a wee child who can't be trusted on her own in any capacity but the minute she turns 18 she is an adult and you no longer have to care for her (unless she's dating an older man, then you decide she isn't capable of making decisions and you call him a peado)

😒