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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in charge of this child?

295 replies

harmonise · 15/10/2025 16:47

We have a holiday booked for the October half term, only a cheap uk break but ds 19 has asked to bring his gf 17 and we have agreed.
Ds has said they will go off and do their own thing a bit, both drive but I have said to Ds that she is still a child and I will be responsible for her.
He says actually he’s an adult and will be the one responsible for her.
How would you feel in this position?

OP posts:
Rewis · 16/10/2025 10:20

JustReacher · 16/10/2025 09:49

The tone of some of the posts on this thread is unpleasant. The OP was asking for opinions, not to be told to get a grip or to "get real" or any of the other unhelpful and quite rude comments.

Edited

It would help if we knew what OP was asking opinions about. If this was about who writes some type of waiver for a minor, fair enough. But they are staying in UK.

Son says he and gf will do their own thing. And since them both being able to drive is specifically mentioned, it is probably relevant. So I'm assuming son and gf wants to take the car and go somewhere but op says no cause she is responsible for the gf where as son says it is fine, cause he is responsible for her? Which then leads to a question what is different in this scenario compared to back home? I might be completely off track here but I can't really think of anything else with the clues of domestic travel and both beign able to drive.

Littlebigcat · 16/10/2025 10:27

I think I'd want to trust no drink driving/wreckless driving, adherence to water safety etc but otherwise I don't think you need to be responsible for her. If they were to go away alone it would be considered fine and I doubt most hotels would ask for her age.

Quick chat with her parents to ensure they understand that position, that you'll be leaving them to it most of the time. You would want to have their emergency contact details anyway as whilst I'd anticipate an older adult taking charge (or at least participating) in an emergency medical situation it will ultimately fall to her own parents

Rewis · 16/10/2025 10:28

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 16/10/2025 10:10

This is MN so at 17 she's a wee child who can't be trusted on her own in any capacity but the minute she turns 18 she is an adult and you no longer have to care for her (unless she's dating an older man, then you decide she isn't capable of making decisions and you call him a peado)

😒

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I've learned on MN that 17 is almost 18, therefore an adult. 16 is almost 17, see previous. 15yo are fine to interrail for 3 weeks on their own/with mates. But also 16 and 13 are too young to travel with train to their grandparents. But also 12yo should never be alone for more than 15min. But all 14yo are giving hand jobs behind an off license for alcohol. But also under 18yo are children and can't make decisions. But after 18 they can do whatever the fuck they want and they turn into equal roomates. But also expecting under 30yo to be independent is too much, but also if you don't start charging rent on their 18th bday, you're doing disservice to them. But also 15yo relationships should be treated the same as in laws of decades. But also 13yo shouldn't take public transportation alone but also 14yo not having a saturday job is child abuse. I am a bit unclear on the rules of being a parent to teenagers.

CallBackPlease · 16/10/2025 10:33

Rewis · 16/10/2025 10:28

I've learned on MN that 17 is almost 18, therefore an adult. 16 is almost 17, see previous. 15yo are fine to interrail for 3 weeks on their own/with mates. But also 16 and 13 are too young to travel with train to their grandparents. But also 12yo should never be alone for more than 15min. But all 14yo are giving hand jobs behind an off license for alcohol. But also under 18yo are children and can't make decisions. But after 18 they can do whatever the fuck they want and they turn into equal roomates. But also expecting under 30yo to be independent is too much, but also if you don't start charging rent on their 18th bday, you're doing disservice to them. But also 15yo relationships should be treated the same as in laws of decades. But also 13yo shouldn't take public transportation alone but also 14yo not having a saturday job is child abuse. I am a bit unclear on the rules of being a parent to teenagers.

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Ha so true.

BauhausOfEliott · 16/10/2025 10:35

If she needs treatment, gets caught up in an accident or crime, she needs an adult

A 17-year-old doesn't need an adult to seek or be given medical treatment. They can consent to their own treatment and would be treated as an adult. If they weren't considered capable of that, their actual parents would be contacted, not their boyfriend's mum who happened to be around at the time.

If she was 'caught up in a crime' - not sure whether you mean as victim as perpetrator - to the extent that she needed to be arrested and questioned or needed to make any formal witness statements, neither the OP nor her son would be 'responsible' for her in that situation. The police would need to decide if they needed to contact her parents, or they'd seek an 'appropriate adult' from their own list to be present with her while she was interviewed. That would be someone who had passed background checks and was trained in that role. It wouldn't be an adult she happened to be on holiday with who was no relation to her.

CallBackPlease · 16/10/2025 10:36

OP just be pragmatic. I would leave your son and girlfriend mostly to their own devices. But you are of course the default parent figure if something goes wrong. And I would expect the pair of them to show you some respect and at least listen to your point of view if needed. Not sure there is a need to put anything ‘formal’ in place as such. I understand your concerns though.

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 16/10/2025 10:51

Rewis · 16/10/2025 10:28

I've learned on MN that 17 is almost 18, therefore an adult. 16 is almost 17, see previous. 15yo are fine to interrail for 3 weeks on their own/with mates. But also 16 and 13 are too young to travel with train to their grandparents. But also 12yo should never be alone for more than 15min. But all 14yo are giving hand jobs behind an off license for alcohol. But also under 18yo are children and can't make decisions. But after 18 they can do whatever the fuck they want and they turn into equal roomates. But also expecting under 30yo to be independent is too much, but also if you don't start charging rent on their 18th bday, you're doing disservice to them. But also 15yo relationships should be treated the same as in laws of decades. But also 13yo shouldn't take public transportation alone but also 14yo not having a saturday job is child abuse. I am a bit unclear on the rules of being a parent to teenagers.

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So much depends on the actual individual teen and the attitude of not just the parents but social group round the family.

We were happy for kids to be up town by themsleves at 11 in Y7 - other parents made that harder following them round insisting on lifts. There's a thread in HE about tracking Uni students - and while I'm surpised there are some good reasons health mainly many do it because to them it's normal to me it's really overstepping.

The abrupt your a child to being on own at university was I think harder for me because I wasn't given any freedom or experience to make everyday choices but DH was parenting himself from 12 onwards very hands off cool parenting promting/facilitating under aged drinking - and him and his mate look back when their kids got to same age and now ask wtf were his parents thinking. That balance has varried between our kids some have wanted support longer than others.

I too think it would help to know what aspect OP is thinking about - here - what extra is she worried about.

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/10/2025 10:53

teees · 16/10/2025 08:42

@wackiejeaver
I know it’s true in a legal sense, but referring to her as a child while talking about her adult boyfriend gives me the creeps… Perhaps that’s a “me problem”, though.

I think this might be what’s skewing a lot of replies tbh. Thst and the fact the thread title is ‘who is in charge of’ - nobody needs to be but of course OP is a responsible person in the same way she would be if the GF was 18/19/20+ thats just normal that in the event you would help another person.

The OP saying they want to do their own thing but she is responsible indicated to me, along with the use of ‘in charge’ and ‘child’ made me think she wants to control what they do, not simply be available if needed

This. The relationship is only being described as being between an adult (19) and a child (17) because of an arbitrary line between legal childhood and adulthood being drawn at 18. In reality a relationship between a 17 year old and a 19 year old is quite normal and not at all creepy.

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/10/2025 11:06

I suspect the son only said he's an adult and can be responsible for her because OP was insisting she had to be. I don't think he was necessarily claiming to be 'in charge' of her in a creepy way.

Ivy888 · 16/10/2025 11:13

I think both you and your son ABU.
you are both talking about her in a controlling fashion. She is 17. Not 2.

It sounds like you don’t feel comfortable with her coming along. If so, don’t bring her alongside (For whatever reason, maybe you’re just not comfortable with them having sex during your family holiday).
And teach your son that they are in a mutual relationship with equal responsibilities and respect. He doesn’t own her. And you also need to view her as a person who is responsible for herself.

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/10/2025 11:26

Ivy888 · 16/10/2025 11:13

I think both you and your son ABU.
you are both talking about her in a controlling fashion. She is 17. Not 2.

It sounds like you don’t feel comfortable with her coming along. If so, don’t bring her alongside (For whatever reason, maybe you’re just not comfortable with them having sex during your family holiday).
And teach your son that they are in a mutual relationship with equal responsibilities and respect. He doesn’t own her. And you also need to view her as a person who is responsible for herself.

As per my post above I doubt the son actually said that, he was just responding to his mother but I would advise the girl to run like the wind and get away from his controlling parents.

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 16/10/2025 11:28

DS wasn't saying he "owns" or "controls" her ffs

OP was insisting that GF would need a responsible adult and she would be that

DS was just saying that he was an adult and so if there was a need for an adult, he was there...

Bluenan · 16/10/2025 11:30

I was married at 17….

teees · 16/10/2025 11:45

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 16/10/2025 11:28

DS wasn't saying he "owns" or "controls" her ffs

OP was insisting that GF would need a responsible adult and she would be that

DS was just saying that he was an adult and so if there was a need for an adult, he was there...

Exactly. OP is the one being weird here not the DS. When he talked about them doing their own thing her response was ‘I am responsible’ - I would expect 2 bloody 15 year olds be be doing their own thing on a UK holiday to a degree so the idea of OP not letting them probably really pissed her DS off. The thread title ‘who is in charge of this child?’ Shows OP does want to be in control of what they do, which is totally bizarre so I’m not surprised in response her DD has told her he is also an adult. It’s fucking batshit anyone would consider being in charge of a 17 year old; who can drive a car, whilst they were in the UK with their boyfriend, be him 19 or 17 tbh. Utter madness. I hope they decide not to go and embark upon their own, very separate from OP, UK holiday.

DurinsBane · 16/10/2025 12:04

AllYoursBabooshkaBabooshkaBabooshkaYaYa · 15/10/2025 16:48

I would feel that she's responsible for herself.

Why does anyone need to be responsible for her?

Just legally, if she needs urgent treatment at A&E for example, or gets arrested etc etc

DurinsBane · 16/10/2025 12:06

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 15/10/2025 16:57

Jesus wept, she's 17. She's not a child - she's fucking your son. She'll be responsible for herself.
If there's an emergency you'd deal with it like you would with anyone of any age.

How do they know they are? The might not be, not all 17 year olds jump into bed.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/10/2025 12:07

Well the answer is either no one is because she is over 16, her own parents remain responsible or the OP is. It’s definitely not her 19 yo boyfriend!

I think it’s a mixture of them all, but it’s probably technically her own parents.

AllYoursBabooshkaBabooshkaBabooshkaYaYa · 16/10/2025 12:07

DurinsBane · 16/10/2025 12:04

Just legally, if she needs urgent treatment at A&E for example, or gets arrested etc etc

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If she needs urgent treatment at A&E she can make decisions for herself. If she can't then it will be her own parents making those decisions.

If she gets arrested then she can call her parents.

She's in the UK and her and her parents have phones presumably.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/10/2025 12:08

DurinsBane · 16/10/2025 12:04

Just legally, if she needs urgent treatment at A&E for example, or gets arrested etc etc

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I think this should be the OP, but I suppose any of the adults in the group could technically step in - but then again an adult would need someone to do this if they were incapacitated.

DurinsBane · 16/10/2025 12:08

TheNightingalesStarling · 15/10/2025 17:03

Since they could go on holiday without you.. I agree with DS

But if you are paying... its also on you.

Also do check the legal situation about consent ages etc.

If you talking about consent ages for sexually activity, I would assume 16. I don’t believe other parts of the uk have different ages! 😁

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/10/2025 12:08

JustReacher · 15/10/2025 16:59

I bet all these posters saying "she's an adult, it'll be fine, get a grip" don't have young adult or adult kids. I get it OP, you do need to sort this out. Whoever said flip flops on a motor bike is damn right. If that goes wrong it will 100% become your problem.

We took DD's boyfriend on holiday when he was 17 and she was 18 and his mum wanted to meet us first, which we completely understood.

I agree. I’d wonder where I stood legally if something went wrong. You need to talk to her parents (and make sure she has insurance cover with repatriation in a medical emergency covered). I’ve had a clean licence for 35 years but would still think carefully before driving overseas.

Algen · 16/10/2025 12:09

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/10/2025 12:08

I think this should be the OP, but I suppose any of the adults in the group could technically step in - but then again an adult would need someone to do this if they were incapacitated.

Edited
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Why should it be the OP rather than her boyfriend, though? If it’s just “an adult” that is required for paperwork etc.

AllYoursBabooshkaBabooshkaBabooshkaYaYa · 16/10/2025 12:10

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/10/2025 12:08

I agree. I’d wonder where I stood legally if something went wrong. You need to talk to her parents (and make sure she has insurance cover with repatriation in a medical emergency covered). I’ve had a clean licence for 35 years but would still think carefully before driving overseas.

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They are going on a UK break.

Algen · 16/10/2025 12:10

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/10/2025 12:08

I agree. I’d wonder where I stood legally if something went wrong. You need to talk to her parents (and make sure she has insurance cover with repatriation in a medical emergency covered). I’ve had a clean licence for 35 years but would still think carefully before driving overseas.

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Why would insurance with repatriation be needed when they are holidaying in the UK?

DurinsBane · 16/10/2025 12:10

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 15/10/2025 17:07

So it's fine for her to drive herself around, but going on holiday with you requires a permission slip?

You say she's a child and call your son an adult. Don't you think that sounds a bit weird and wrong?

Legally that is correct though?