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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in charge of this child?

295 replies

harmonise · 15/10/2025 16:47

We have a holiday booked for the October half term, only a cheap uk break but ds 19 has asked to bring his gf 17 and we have agreed.
Ds has said they will go off and do their own thing a bit, both drive but I have said to Ds that she is still a child and I will be responsible for her.
He says actually he’s an adult and will be the one responsible for her.
How would you feel in this position?

OP posts:
Katherineryan1986 · 15/10/2025 17:06

She’s 17 and she’s your adult son’s girlfriend. She is responsible for herself but if push came to shove as an under 18, then your son at 19 is responsible for her - not you.

Macherie53 · 15/10/2025 17:06

She’s not a bloody child fgs

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 15/10/2025 17:07

So it's fine for her to drive herself around, but going on holiday with you requires a permission slip?

You say she's a child and call your son an adult. Don't you think that sounds a bit weird and wrong?

LaChouette · 15/10/2025 17:08

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 15/10/2025 16:51

I’d get her parents’ details and check with them. She isn’t an adult. If she needs treatment, gets caught up in an accident or crime, she needs an adult.

With your DS’s attitude I’d rethink taking her, as he sounds as though he’d resist your attempts to protect her should you want to.

For example, riding pillion on a moped in flip-flops- your DS might think that’s fine. You might not. How will you resolve it?

why would they be in flip flops on a moped in the UK in November? Confused

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 15/10/2025 17:09

17 and on a UK break? Herself Confused
Different if you were abroad and had, say, a better grasp of how to navigate the health system should she need it. But no way if you’re down Rhyl and you don’t want her wandering off

Twistedfirestarters · 15/10/2025 17:13

I'm wondering why you responded like this:

'Ds has said they will go off and do their own thing a bit, both drive but I have said to Ds that she is still a child and I will be responsible for her.'

We're you basically telling him they can't go off or that you might veto their trips? If so, why? Don't they already do their own thing? Do they have a history of making stupid choices?

Seeline · 15/10/2025 17:14

What do you mean?
Tell her when to go to bed, and limit the number of ice creams she has?
My kids were going away without adults at that age.

Of course if she's ill or has an accident you do what you can, as you would with any other person when you go away as a group.

Irenesortof · 15/10/2025 17:15

Obviously you'll look out for this girl and take action if she's likely to get hurt in some way, but she doesn't really need a 'responsible adult' at her age. She can look after herself for the most part.

Blushingm · 15/10/2025 17:15

In wales she can vote. She can drive. She can go abroad. Why can’t she be responsible for herself?

TheCurious0range · 15/10/2025 17:15

Wtaf she isn't a child, she can vote now, live on her own, legally have sex, have a baby, drive. They could go away on their own. Children's social care don't deal with over 16s unless a previously looked after child. This is insane.
Why don't you really want her to go OP?

TheCurious0range · 15/10/2025 17:16

I went to faliraki at 17 😂

Bumdrops · 15/10/2025 17:17

Largestlegocollectionever · 15/10/2025 16:52

Wow what a weird thing to say to your ds!
She’s responsible for herself, and yes, worse case something did happen then it’s ds guest, and surely if say an emergency you’d all step in to help.
bonkers esp for a uk trip 🤣

I agree !!!
it’s a UK trip !!

Silvers11 · 15/10/2025 17:18

Blushingm · 15/10/2025 17:15

In wales she can vote. She can drive. She can go abroad. Why can’t she be responsible for herself?

Same in Scotland too. Unbelievable!!

maudelovesharold · 15/10/2025 17:18

Big groups of 17 year olds go on holidays abroad all the time. No-one is responsible for them. It is assumed they can look after themselves.
Are you worried that you will be held to account by her parents in the event of illness or accident? Just speak to the parents. Say that the two of them intend to go off and ‘do their own thing’, and ask if the parents are happy with that. It isn’t a big deal at 17!

redskydelight · 15/10/2025 17:19

In what way do you mean responsible? That you will get to veto whether she does things or not? or that in an emergency you will rally round and help out, which tbh is a fairly basic thing that even non-related adults would do ..

thestudio · 15/10/2025 17:20

you are responsible for her in terms of safety! She's under 18.

It's actually deeply creepy that your son could see himself in that role though. I'd have words about the resonances and implications of that if I were you.

mamagogo1 · 15/10/2025 17:20

At 17 she is responsible for herself, no drinking though. Medical responsibility is 16 in the uk

Shegotanology · 15/10/2025 17:21

I completely get where you're coming from. You're a mama, and you're going to feel responsible for her no matter what anyone says. You are overreacting, though.

SleeplessIntheOnyxNight · 15/10/2025 17:22

At 17 I was away on holiday with my friends with no parents so I wouldn’t see a 17 year old as a child no. It’s weird how you see her as a child but yet think it’s ok for your son to date, and presumably have sex with her.

notacooldad · 15/10/2025 17:22

She’s not a bloody child fgs
Legally she is.
It's that really awkward in-between age where you can do some adult things like have sex but cant have a fag afterwards!

CopperWhite · 15/10/2025 17:23

Plenty of 17 year olds go abroad without a parent. I did. No one needs to be responsible for her, but your DS is right. If anyone has to be responsible for her it can be him.

Algen · 15/10/2025 17:25

thestudio · 15/10/2025 17:20

you are responsible for her in terms of safety! She's under 18.

It's actually deeply creepy that your son could see himself in that role though. I'd have words about the resonances and implications of that if I were you.

Why is she responsible for her rather than her son? They are both legally adults.

I think the son was just making a point rather than being creepy tbh.

Ellie1015 · 15/10/2025 17:28

I wouldnt label it as one of you being responsible for her or that she is a child. I would expect son and gf to be responsible as I would if they are out and about at home. Eg keep in touch, travel home safely together in organised lift/taxi if walking not safe. Not be drunk. Socialise with us a bit, maybe dinner altogether.

I expect they are nice, sensible enough teens or you wouldn't want them coming. Calling her a child will get their back up.

notacooldad · 15/10/2025 17:29

Children's social care don't deal with over 16s unless a previously looked after child.
This is false. A 'child' under the age of 18 can be referred to children's social care. They can self refer if they want to and ask for support with a number of social care issues, even if they haven't previously been open.

RessicaJabbit · 15/10/2025 17:33

He's right. He's the adult.