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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in charge of this child?

295 replies

harmonise · 15/10/2025 16:47

We have a holiday booked for the October half term, only a cheap uk break but ds 19 has asked to bring his gf 17 and we have agreed.
Ds has said they will go off and do their own thing a bit, both drive but I have said to Ds that she is still a child and I will be responsible for her.
He says actually he’s an adult and will be the one responsible for her.
How would you feel in this position?

OP posts:
Cinaferna · 15/10/2025 23:34

CurlewKate · 15/10/2025 16:49

In what way responsible?

If they go off on a moped and have an accident. If they go to a bar and she drinks underage. If she gets ill in a foreign country.

OP, I would assume you are the responsible adult here and I'd have a quick chat with her parents too.

Algen · 15/10/2025 23:37

If she gets ill in a foreign country.

That would be impressive as it’s a UK break. As OP says in her first post.

FairKoala · 15/10/2025 23:42

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 15/10/2025 16:51

I’d get her parents’ details and check with them. She isn’t an adult. If she needs treatment, gets caught up in an accident or crime, she needs an adult.

With your DS’s attitude I’d rethink taking her, as he sounds as though he’d resist your attempts to protect her should you want to.

For example, riding pillion on a moped in flip-flops- your DS might think that’s fine. You might not. How will you resolve it?

As far as the NHS is concerned she is an adult and will get treated as an adult on an adult ward

samplesalequeen · 15/10/2025 23:44

Screamingabdabz · 15/10/2025 23:34

Just to add I can’t believe the sneering nastiness to op on this thread. She’s looking out for the welfare of a young woman and she’s just getting slagged off for it. Vile.

mumsnet innit? FWIW I completely agree with you.

BauhausOfEliott · 15/10/2025 23:47

My friend’s kids are 19 and 17. They travelled round Europe together when they were 17 and 15. The 17-year-old went on two UK holidays with friends the same age when she was 16, with no adults.

I went to France with my friends with no adults when we were all aged 17 - 19.

I cannot believe there are posters using terms like ‘age appropriate supervision’ about a 17-year-old. What on earth do people think the OP is going to ‘supervise’ a 17-year-old doing with her boyfriend? Are you expecting her to chaperone them at pub? Ensure they wear their armbands in the pool? Why not go the whole hog and put a baby monitor in the bedroom? Jesus Christ.

tragichero · 15/10/2025 23:49

Most of us (or at least many) holidayed with frienda of our own age at 17.

Who was responsible then? Genuine question, OP. Or do you not think 17 year olds should be allowed to holiday on their own?

Can you tell us, please, what you believe "responsible for her" will mean in practice.

If you can give examples of the situations you invisage which will require this, we can tell you what we think should happen.

This nebulous "responsibility" seems a strange concept.

For example, are you imagining her wanting to drink, and you not wanting to allow her?

I think in that case you need to back off and accept that as a girl saying a 19 year old, she is likely to choose to drink if she wants to. But if she is becoming problematically shit-faced/off her tits on drugs, speak to her about it, and to her friends)family if she won't listen. But I'd say the same for a young person of 19 or 21 to be honest - I wouldn't calmly stand back and let someone harm themselves on holiday with me whatever their age.....

Same with any worrying situation. Intervene only when there is a moral necessity to do so - age makes little difference.

tragichero · 15/10/2025 23:50

Saying should read dating.

CherrieTomaties · 15/10/2025 23:54

Cinaferna · 15/10/2025 23:34

If they go off on a moped and have an accident. If they go to a bar and she drinks underage. If she gets ill in a foreign country.

OP, I would assume you are the responsible adult here and I'd have a quick chat with her parents too.

Show quote history

The 17yo could get into a moped or car accident in everyday life. I passed my test and was driving at car at 17 and I knew loads of lads who drove mopeds and motorbikes at 17 too. She won’t be in a foreign country, but if she gets ill then she can get ill anywhere.

I don’t know anyone who hasn’t drank alcohol underage at 17. My friends and I would drink from about 14/15 at house parties and on local parks. We’re all absolutely fine. These situations are part of growing up.

So much hysteria about an almost adult, it’s embarrassing.

Frequentlyincorrectbut · 15/10/2025 23:56

In a lot of European countries, under 18's are treated as children for the purposes of travelling. My daughter got into difficulties coming back from Spain unaccompanied as she did not have a letter of consent from her parent as is required by their legal system for under 18's

I don't think it's in any way weird to have mentioned this to him. My 17 is still my responsibility in my mind, even when she's off and away and travelling abroad. I've fielded phone calls from embassies and insurance companies more than once in these situations, with older than 17 as well.

There's technical legal responsibility and there's sensible parental responsibility and I would expect, if there were parents in the situation, for them to be responsible, not say another 18 year old, if the parents were around- if they are not, then the 17/18 year olds just have to get on with it, but in situations where the parents are around, I think i would expect them to step up if my child needed hospital treatment, or had an accident, and that's a reasonable expectation to have at least discussed it.

user1492757084 · 15/10/2025 23:57

Converse with her parents if gf is still living with them.
Make sure you have their phone numbers and know their health insurance, attitude to alcohol consumption and sleeping arrangements and know who is paying for what..

If her parents are happy and aware, she is largely responsible for herself.

You need to remain responsible for any serving of alcohol, smoking and unlicensed driving, shooting and payment for accommodation etc.

Your son is as responsible as any boyfriend would be for her care and happiness and must know the alcohol boundaries.

GrandTheftWalrus · 15/10/2025 23:58

Christ when I was 17 I went to ibiza with my friend. No adults anywhere and it was 18-30 type holiday

Frequentlyincorrectbut · 16/10/2025 00:10

It's a bit like if 17 year old's have a party in your house, though isn't it? They could go out by themselves anywhere, to a park, and they wouldn't be under your jurisdiction, but once they are in your sphere, you kind of feel responsible for them and if they then drank far too much, or did drugs, or had an accident, you would end up taking the parental role again and being responsible for them, possibly more than for your 50 year old friend.

17 is an ambiguous age, legally in the UK you can travel without permission, but in many places not, and you might still end up with a social responsibility for her, and her parents expectations you would keep an eye on her, even if at another time and place she'd be entirely self-reliant.

Frequentlyincorrectbut · 16/10/2025 00:16

I do think you should stop calling her a 'child' though, as she's a young adult and it just sounds weird.

RawBloomers · 16/10/2025 00:23

samplesalequeen · 15/10/2025 22:27

How would I know…I’m not psychic on a Wednesday.

I’m just telling you the facts; in the eyes of the law, they’re not an adult.

Show quote history

But in the eyes of the law neither OP, nor her DS are responsible for her or have any authority or rights regarding her. The only people with responsibility for a 17 year old that we don’t al hold to some extent are the 17 year old and her parents. No one can assume some sort of care role without being charged with that by one of them.

Christwosheds · 16/10/2025 00:30

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 15/10/2025 16:51

I’d get her parents’ details and check with them. She isn’t an adult. If she needs treatment, gets caught up in an accident or crime, she needs an adult.

With your DS’s attitude I’d rethink taking her, as he sounds as though he’d resist your attempts to protect her should you want to.

For example, riding pillion on a moped in flip-flops- your DS might think that’s fine. You might not. How will you resolve it?

Agree with this.

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 16/10/2025 00:30

Tell them she's not invited so your son stays at home too

Then they can stay in your house together, have a drink, have sex, go for long drives (with her driving) and do what they want

Because she's 17. She's not a child. You're infantalising her

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2025 00:31

I’m so confused, if they do their own thing in your home town what is the offence when on holiday in the uk?

when I was 17 I went to visit my boyfriend at uni and also did an abroad trip away with him. I was responsible for myself !

FatalCattraction · 16/10/2025 00:37

Ultimately, if something happens to her, yes all eyes will be on the older adults that agreed to take her abroad.

Empress13 · 16/10/2025 00:40

I hear you OP Because if Anything Happens to her you can bet your bottom dollar her parents will be blaming you !

Algen · 16/10/2025 00:44

FatalCattraction · 16/10/2025 00:37

Ultimately, if something happens to her, yes all eyes will be on the older adults that agreed to take her abroad.

Which adults agreed to take her abroad?

Honestly, do people not even read the first sentence of the OP any more?

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 16/10/2025 00:46

And so many of these "What Ifs" ... I would hope that whether at 17 now or in a few months when she's 18 that OP would do the same

If she gets hurt or abandoned in the pub or falls down a mineshaft... I expect OP to help

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 16/10/2025 00:46

FatalCattraction · 16/10/2025 00:37

Ultimately, if something happens to her, yes all eyes will be on the older adults that agreed to take her abroad.

Abroad?
In the UK?

CherrieTomaties · 16/10/2025 00:55

FatalCattraction · 16/10/2025 00:37

Ultimately, if something happens to her, yes all eyes will be on the older adults that agreed to take her abroad.

Firstly, they’re not going abroad.

Secondly, what do you think could happen to her, that wouldn’t necessarily happen on any other day in her life?

BruFord · 16/10/2025 00:59

NetZeroZealot · 15/10/2025 17:47

I would probably insist I had the phone number for one of her parents in case there was some kind of emergency, but otherwise I'd leave the 2 of them to their own devices.

I first went away without my parents (or any other adults) when I was 16, so a lot younger (and a longer time ago when we didn't have mobiles etc).

@NetZeroZealot Agreed, I’d just want a parent’s phone number in case of a true emergency. Your DS isn’t her next of kin so he couldn’t be kept informed if she was in hospital, for example.

I don’t why some posters have said that she’s an adult when we all know that she isn’t.

Athreedoorwardrobe · 16/10/2025 01:20

Obviously all you need to do is ask the girls parents if they have any issue with her and your son driving around alone sometimes. If they do not have an issue with it, then it's fine.
She's 17 so no, she's not your responsibility if her parents have allowed her to go on holiday with her 19yo boyfriend. She is their responsibility and it sounds like they've handed the responsibility over to her. Which is fine. She could technically go abd live on her own. So I don't think you need to worry beyond checking in with her parents that it's ok.