Who is in charge of this child?

[harmonise]

We have a holiday booked for the October half term, only a cheap uk break but ds 19 has asked to bring his gf 17 and we have agreed.
Ds has said they will go off and do their own thing a bit, both drive but I have said to Ds that she is still a child and I will be responsible for her.
He says actually he’s an adult and will be the one responsible for her.
How would you feel in this position?

My children are aged between 17 and 29.

How old are yours?

My children are aged between 17 and 29.

How old are yours?

B&B rooms above a pub. It was the late 90s.

If it was a foreign holiday, it might be different as parents might need to provide a letter saying who is responsible but I would expect my 17 year old to be responsible for herself when going on holiday.

Some do, i had to hunt around when my daughter went to an open day but died find one.

She's a minor. If you are booking accommodations and transport for a minor then you're responsible for her. The same goes for if parents have given approval for her to go on holiday with you as the responsible adult - if they think they're approving a family holiday with adult supervision and really you're just paying for their daughter to go off on holiday alone with her boyfriend then that's really not ok.

Talk to the parents of the minor you've offered to take on holiday and get on the same page about how much supervision that entails. Then lay out the available options for your DS:

1. He can accompany you on the family holiday and you will pay for XYZ and he can go off and do what he wants as an adult responsible for himself outside of that.
2. His gf can accompany you on the family holiday and age-appropriate (for a 17 year-old) supervision and boundaries will be applied that her parents and you as the person they've approved taking her on holiday are all comfortable with.
3. Neither of them go

Playacting grownups just the two of them while you take all the financial and legal responsibility for this unrelated minor and her parents aren't well informed is not on the table. If your DS wants to try to take his girlfriend on a holiday himself he can do that - she can (try to) get permission from her parents specifically for that and he can pay.

She will be able to look after herself, but as your son said, he is an adult, if she has to be accompanied by one for whatever reason.

You'll be around, but you don't have to helicopter.

If I was the girl and the OP was fussing over me I wouldn't want to go anyway.

Come on, OP. She will be responsible for herself. In the event of an emergency, what do you think you would do differently if she was 18 compared to her being 17?

I know that things are very different now, but it doesn’t feel that long ago that I left home at 16 and this wasn’t exceptional. I had male classmates joining up at 16. I can’t help but think we infantilise young people.

100%

If to use the unlikely example given up thread, she wants to wear flip flops riding pillion on a moped (In the UK in October) just how is anyone thinking that OP will be able to stop her exactly?

I can just imagine someone trying to tell me that I couldn’t do what I wanted at 17, when I had left school and had a full time job. My parents had no chance of me listening to them never mind a boyfriends mother.

If I had gotten even a whiff of this conversation I would have pulled out of the holiday pretty quickly.

I think if OP had made the title "Adult DS is bringing GF on holiday, she's not yet an adult, is there anything we need to consider?" she might have got less of a bashing.
I think in the UK all will be fine, but if you were going abroad it would have been worth looking into what might happen in the event of an emergency - making sure her insurance was appropriate etc. She's NOT an adult and unexpected things happen where an adult would need to take charge.

What do you think should happen if she became ill that OP’s DS couldn’t do?

I say over 16 she's responsible for herself. Did a few trips/festivals/holidays at that age with friends or a boyfriend who was 18 at the time. I'd leave them to it!

I think given you’re staying in the country. And she can drive she could technically quite easily just join you without actually going on holiday with you if you see what I mean.

id say she’s responsible for herself. And if she’s unsure of anything she can check in with an appropriate adult, be that you, her BF or her parents based on her choice who.

you can think you’re responsible for her. But let’s be realistic. You’re not.

I guess people are replying differently also because everyone has different ideas what is actually means to be responsible for the girl.

Also, if she was an adult, maybe my age (70), and had an an accident or became ill then surely the OP would help and give whatever care was required anyway. Like any normal person would without being 'in charge' of her.

Who is "responsible" for her when she stays at your house, fucking your son?

Well she could go on holiday alone so you don’t need to be responsible for her.

Oh honey she's not a child. You need to take a step back and let go. I bet your DS just loved you for that belittling comment.

At 17 she's hardly a child. She can drive!

She’s responsible for herself, I went to Ibiza with friends at 17 … no parents.

At 17 you can leave home and travel the world by yourself. I’m sure they’ll be fine pootling around in the UK!

My kids are 16, 22, 25. Over the years we have taken friends and girlfriends away with us. I've always made sure I had the parents' numbers for under 18s who lived at home and had a conversation with them to agree ground rules around alcohol etc.

Once that is sorted, an occasional text to parents to reassure all is ok suffices, otherwise just the young people to it.

Reminds me of my 1st holiday abroad with my sister. She was 19 and I was 17 so technically she was responsible for me 😂 I was more sensible than her. I wouldn’t over think it to be honest. If anything happened he would come crying to you anyway!