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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in charge of this child?

295 replies

harmonise · 15/10/2025 16:47

We have a holiday booked for the October half term, only a cheap uk break but ds 19 has asked to bring his gf 17 and we have agreed.
Ds has said they will go off and do their own thing a bit, both drive but I have said to Ds that she is still a child and I will be responsible for her.
He says actually he’s an adult and will be the one responsible for her.
How would you feel in this position?

OP posts:
mummymetalhead · 15/10/2025 18:34

YABVU

RawBloomers · 15/10/2025 18:34

Have just clocked the title of the thread and it's a bit worrying. I know choice of words can be awkward on the Internet, but it might indicate a misunderstanding of the legal situation.

You cannot be "in charge" of the gf. You have absolutely zero legal authority. It's poor form to think of her as a child. She's a minor still, but the law will treat her as a young adult who knows her own mind and will not support you over ruling her.

I had said talk to her parents, which I do think you should do, but that does nothing other than set expectations. It doesn't put you in charge. If you are worried she and your DS won't act responsibly you just shouldn't take her.

WalkDontWalk · 15/10/2025 18:37

Whether or not you need to be responsible for her, you'll feel responsible for her. I get that.

How that works out depends an awful lot on how she feels about you. We've been in a similar position and the young people involved were at great pains not to do anything that they felt might make us feel anxious. They felt responsible for us feeling responsible.

It all worked out. I hope it does for you.

Coconutter24 · 15/10/2025 18:40

Ds has said they will go off and do their own thing a bit, both drive but I have said to Ds that she is still a child and I will be responsible for her.

Are you suggesting they don’t go off by themselves they have to stay with you? They are old enough to drive they don’t really need your supervision. If you are concerned ask her parents if they are happy for the two of them to go off alone but I don’t think you need to be responsible for her, she’s old enough to be responsible for herself

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 15/10/2025 18:40

If there must be a responsible adult, your DS is as good as you.

Lunde · 15/10/2025 18:40

You are talking about her as though she is 7 not 17 - it's really odd - she is allowed to drive and seek medical care but you talk of her as though she needs babysitting

ImthatBoleyngirl · 15/10/2025 18:45

DH used to manage Premier Inns and their rules are over 18. However they don't generally ask for ID unless you are paying with cash.

Mumwithbaggage · 15/10/2025 18:45

Ds drove to festivals and I think once to the Dordogne with friends/girlfriends at that age without proper grown ups. It'll be fine.

paulhollywoodshairgel · 15/10/2025 18:47

I’d say you’re responsible for her if there’s a medical
emergency or something. But really she can look after herself. I’d check we her parents about drinking as well.

GasPanic · 15/10/2025 18:49

I think technically your son is right although it is very tricky due to the fact he is barely over the threshold and she is barely under it.

Presumably the other parents are happy that your son is the responsible party which is what I would check, and I would want to confirm that my son had not got "confused" and told them that you would be responsible in the event of any issues.

Really they should be treating it as if your son and her were going away on their own. If they are happy with that then fine.

I guess opinions will differ.

WindOfUserNameChange · 15/10/2025 18:54

She is legally a child. I don't know who the law would think is responsible but I assume her parents would expect you to take responsibility for her and look out for her.

I agree with you op. Whether she is sleeping with your son is irrelevant. She is a child and the adults with her are responsible for her. If you think your ds is not mature enough to think about her safety I wouldnt take her.

BoudiccaRuled · 15/10/2025 18:57

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 15/10/2025 16:51

I’d get her parents’ details and check with them. She isn’t an adult. If she needs treatment, gets caught up in an accident or crime, she needs an adult.

With your DS’s attitude I’d rethink taking her, as he sounds as though he’d resist your attempts to protect her should you want to.

For example, riding pillion on a moped in flip-flops- your DS might think that’s fine. You might not. How will you resolve it?

This is highly unlikely in the UK in October.

CinnamonBuns67 · 15/10/2025 19:02

Shes 17. Yes she might not be a legal adult for less than a year but shes hardly a child either (yes I'm aware legally she's classed as a child but theres a huge difference between someone whos 17 and someone who is 12/13). Yes be responsible for her if she needs medical attention or other help just like you would for your son or anyone else you went on holiday with but you don't need to act like she needs constant supervision and telling what to do either. Shes mainly responsible for herself but yes if she gets into bother step in and look after her.

Neemie · 15/10/2025 19:02

What on earth do you think is going to happen to her? You aren’t even leaving the country.

Twistedfirestarters · 15/10/2025 19:05

Surely the technicalities of whether she is legally a child or an adult and who is responsible for her are sort of irrelevant at the age of 17 when she will need very little 'care' from an adult.

What's more important is that the op articulates to her son what it is she's actually concerned about so they can address that.

Let's be honest, if she was 19 and she had an accident when on holiday with the op, she's hardly going to shrug her shoulders and say, 'she's an adult, not my problem'.

SusiQ18472638 · 15/10/2025 19:06

This is weird to me. Me and my boyfriend would go on holiday on our own at that age, my Mum was living with my Dad and had me at 17! She’s not really a child

BauhausOfEliott · 15/10/2025 19:09

You are not ‘responsible for a child’. She doesn’t require any care or supervision. You’re infantilising someone who is old enough to drive, work and have a serious relationship - she is your adult son’s partner. Neither you nor your son is ‘responsible’ for her.

You’re being utterly weird - and slightly creepy - about this.

Of course they’re going to do their own thing! Why the hell would a 19-year-old and his girlfriend want to hang out with his mother all day on holiday?! You can’t possibly expect them not to go off and do things as a couple.

SeaUrchinHat · 15/10/2025 19:09

Unless they’re particularly badly behaved (in which case I wouldn’t take them on holiday) or you’ve got extreme sports on the itinerary there shouldn’t be any major problems should there? You ask who’s responsible for this 17 year old girl. Well she is. If there is an issue you’ll all be there to help her out surely? Why make such a big deal of it? Funny thing about teenagers: if you make clear you trust them and respect their judgement (even when it’s a little skewed) they generally behave pretty well!

FuzzyWolf · 15/10/2025 19:09

Surely she is going on holiday with her boyfriend. The fact his parents are also there is incidental to it really. However, I would expect anyone whether an adult or a child to be respectful for those holidaying with them and around them.

opencecilgee · 15/10/2025 19:10

when i was 17 i went to magaluf with a couple of mates

who was responsible for me that week?

NimbleDreamer · 15/10/2025 19:16

I think your DS is a creep if as an adult he thinks that he is 'responsible' for a 17 year old 'child' who he is also fucking.

You both sound very weird and creepy tbh with the way you talk about who is 'responsible' for her.

theDudesmummy · 15/10/2025 19:18

My DD went away to uni at 17. We had to sign some special paperwork (can't remember what it was exactly but something to do with legal responsibility, which we gave to her older sister who was at the same uni) because she was still legally a child.

DiscoBob · 15/10/2025 19:24

You don't treat a 17 year old like a child. She's an equal to your son and they both need to be responsible for themselves as they would at home or anywhere else.

It's patronising to talk about her this way. If she really needs an adult to be chaperoning her every move then she's not mature enough to come on holiday.

But at 17 I'd be extremely surprised if that were the case. That's the age people go off to Uni or some start full time jobs.

Handedin · 15/10/2025 19:28

harmonise · 15/10/2025 16:55

Because I feel taking somebody else’s child on holiday is a big responsibility

Show quote history

I'm shocked at the number of people saying otherwise. That's assuming you don't mean in terms of telling her to brush her teeth but in practical terms of what happens if for example she becomes ill - as happened to 22 year old DD when she went on holiday with her BFs family this summer.

Russiandollsaresofullofthemselves · 15/10/2025 19:34

you are being ridiculous. she might not be legally classed as an adult but she is old enough to have a job, drive, have a child, live alone, get married. you literally don’t need to do anything for her.

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