Who is in charge of this child?

[harmonise]

We have a holiday booked for the October half term, only a cheap uk break but ds 19 has asked to bring his gf 17 and we have agreed.
Ds has said they will go off and do their own thing a bit, both drive but I have said to Ds that she is still a child and I will be responsible for her.
He says actually he’s an adult and will be the one responsible for her.
How would you feel in this position?

Sounds like a weird conversation to me!

Ask her parents? It should be up to them really.

My daughter went away for short breaks on her own when she was 17.

At 17 I went on holiday without any “adults”, more than once and once with my 20 year old boyfriend.

I didn’t need anyone to be responsible for me on account I was old enough to move out and live on my own.

But if you want to draw a bright line at 18, your son can be responsible for her as he is an adult and she’s his guest.

I would probably insist I had the phone number for one of her parents in case there was some kind of emergency, but otherwise I'd leave the 2 of them to their own devices.

I first went away without my parents (or any other adults) when I was 16, so a lot younger (and a longer time ago when we didn't have mobiles etc).

She is responsible for herself. Back off

He’s right. She’s almost an adult and she’s with an adult (your son). They don’t need mummy also looking after her.

She doesn’t really need a ‘responsible adult’ for this.

Do you just like making a point?

Substitute similar risky behaviour- nightclub, lift with a mate they’ve just met etc.

Her parents are responsible for her. Talk to them. They may be happier with her making her own decisions and contacting them if there are issues over you having any authority or responsibility (other than, of course, what comes with her use of lodging/transport/etc. that you provide, just as you do with your adult son). And if they know your son, may be happier with him having responsibility over you having any.

16 year post GCSE with DD2 invited we met the parents - but we also had money to sort - and it was just a friend.

17 in UK - well she gilka competent - no law or behavior that may be different - I'd want exchange of contact deatils but at 17 DH and DD1 were navigating for offer days by themselves across the UK. Last UK hoilday they all came 16-19 and we told them they could go off by themselves.

So I'm not sure an adult needs to be in charge of her as such.

I would feel somewhat responsible for her myself. If your DS insists, I would let it go and tell them another time that you all need to know where each other is on holiday for safety reasons. No harm trying to find out if she/they are on contraceptives too

Where to? Hotels and airbnbs don’t take under 18s do they? I was going to let my 17yo and a friend stay in a hotel for an open day and couldn’t.

We had this with DS 17 as his uni was over 4 hours away by train so getting there by 9 am with no overnight stop wasn't possible - he had to stop with relative for the night nearer and then take a train up for last bit.

Agreed you need to discuss this with her parents and manage their expectations of their daughters care whilst with you.

At the end of the day - yes - she’s 17 but she’s not legally an adult and yes your son is 19 but doesn’t have the same life experience as you and DP

and if DS and gf kick back against this the. The invitation should be rescinded

Mine was 16 when she did her first breaks alone staying in premier inn. I believe they have raised the age to 18 now though.

When you say she is a child and you are responsible for her in reply to your DS saying they would do their own thing do you mean you won’t let them?

A grey area for 16 and 17yr olds. Though not adults, they can marry - in Scotland without parental consent, though in England I think they may need consent - so two 16 yr olds could live together without adult supervision. Adult input would just be things like signing forms on their behalf. I can't see that you would be held responsible for her.

You're making a massive deal out of this. 17 year olds go places on their own all the time. She is probably more mature than your 19 year old (if most 19 year old boys are anything to go on).

My DS stayed alone in a Premier Inn when he was 3 mohths short of his 18th. Another poster has said the age has been raised, though.

I quite agree. At 17 she is only just not a child child. You are responsible for her, not in terms of treating her as a dependent child, but in the same way that her parents would be if they took her away.

They have raised it to adulthood now, which they class as 18. My kids stay in premier inns regularly for their sport, the 15 year old has been alone in a room with other 15 year olds, but 'under the radar'.

Bloody hell, my dd went travelling with 18 year old friends round Europe for a month when she was 17! Lighten up!

I agree you should be responsible for her.

Also the idea that your DS would be the responsible adult for a child that is also his girlfriend is a bit yuck. I know in reality they're 17 and 19, but still. Framed as he's the adult responsible for her, that's wrong.

However, I don't expect that you being responsible amounts to more than liaising with her parents before the trip, and taking charge in an emergency. At 17, she doesn't need babying.

I think @PrizedPickledPopcorn and @Bloozie make good points, OP. Sorry you're getting all these dismissive responses.

Contacting the girl's parents seems the way to go, whether your DS likes it or not. And tell him not to aspire to quasi-parental responsibility for his girlfriend, that's just weird. I hope you get it sorted and have a fab holiday all together.