DH’s desire for me to play this Stepford wife role is highly misogynistic

[Dropko]

I recently married dh. He is 44 and I’m 31 so there is a bit of an age gap which I think may be part of the problem. We had quite a quick engagement so we are still adjusting in the early stages of our marriage.

Dh co-owns and co-runs a business. Think dentist or vet surgery. There are roughly 30 people who work there.

I really have no need to ever go in. It’s located in a surrounding village that I never need to go to.

Anyway, dh has said it would be nice if I occasionally dropped in and said hello. I said “what for” and DH said it would just be nice to show I care to staff. Given the nature of the business the work can be emotionally draining. But I don’t see how my presence will help in the slightest. Dh gave his business partner’s wife as an example. I personally could never constantly be dropping in the way she does. She’s always baking for the staff and doing coffee drop offs. It’s just not me. She’s also a housewife whilst I work full time and commute into London several times a week. Even if I didn’t work it’s not my personality to be like that. If I was going in I might bring in a treat if it was Easter or something. But I never go in.

I’m a bit miffed. If it was the opposite genders no one would expect the husband to go in and play nice. It’s really bizarre to me. Dh says I don’t want to come across stuck up! Or am I being a bit rude?

My friends say he should buy the staff muffins if he’s so concerned

Bizarre request/expectation from your DH.
🤷

Is your dh a little bit socially awkward? he is completely misreading and misjudging the situation.

Of you did what he asked it would probably be completely cringey. You can’t just parachute in like a grand lady distributing bounty to the yokels. Your situation, relationships, personality is completely different to the other wife’s,

I think framing this as misogyny is giving him too much credit. He’s being a bit stupid rather than sexist.

I don’t see the problem tbh. He wants to show you off (probably cos you’re a lot younger ) . His colleagues are possibly curious. It could be the same if it was your business.

No don’t. You’re just giving in to the guilt and it’ll be the thin end of the wedge.

I know a few vicars’ wives and the ones with their own (minds) and careers get driven mad by the misogynist assumption that they’ve got nothing better to do than to be the domestic lapdog for their husband’s job.

Yeah, this is a weird request. I've never seen my boss's husband and why would I? I'm working here. Cakes are a nice sugar boost to have in the staffroom but I don't want to have to be obligated to chat to someone I don't know and potentially have nothing in common with when I'm on break.

Maybe he’s proud of the way you look and wants to show you off?

I would too. He is co owner so surely he would want his wife involved in a small way? Doesn’t have to all the time but nice to be sociable

I think he wants to show you off. I don't think that’s necessarily bad.

I'm going to go against the grain, obviously it's up to you, but I do think it's a bit weird you never pop in.

I have family members (of both sexes) who own various businesses that I pop in on, normally if they get new equipment they want to show off or something, so I can't imagine never going to a spouses business.

If I ran my own business I would expect my husband to pop in to see how things are going from time to time.

I wouldn't be baking or taking any treats in your situation, but it doesn't sound like he's asked you to do that, just that the other owners wife does.

All your post suggests (apart from your bad manners) is that you’ve never worked in a small business. It’s not at all the same as a big corporate or public sector environment. In my workplace, my boss’ husband pops in frequently to do DIY; he’ll always say hello and ask if I need anything done in my office. It’s very normal.

Also, once more for those at the back: The OP’s husband never actually asked her to bake anything!

I don’t understand the comments saying it’s not much effort to do this, when is she supposed to do this? She has a FT job, is she supposed to take precious annual leave just to pop in and say hello to the minions?

I do ask after my colleagues’s children/spouses but that’s to make conversation with them, I wouldn’t expect their family to know who the hell I am.

If you do go in OP, wear trackies and no makeup, it’s your day off after all…

Why are you alleging I have bad manners? You've never met me. And yes I have worked in plenty of small businesses. The boss's wife bringing in cookies only ever produced inward sighs and eye rolls as we were trying to actually do our jobs. Not pretend to be friends with the boss's wife.

Honestly? I don’t know this man’s exact motivation for wanting his wife to show up at the workplace but it doesn’t follow that doing so will raise morale.

I used to work with a guy whose partner would keep showing up in our offices. She seemed nice … but it was 5:30pm and I still had stuff I needed to send out. So I wasn’t all that interested in making polite chitchat. If you do decide to show up at your husband’s business, please don’t do it after 4pm.

Someone upthread suggested buying wine and chocolates. Who would pay for them? It seems outrageous that the business owner’s wife should be taxed because she isn’t available to bring in home made cakes.

This is what I thought. There've been a lot of comments about popping in, but it clearly wouldn't be that, would it? OP lives nowhere near the place and has a full time role that involves regular London commuting. Nobody really seems to be addressing the practicalities. It's a long time since I worked FT out of the home, but annual leave was a very precious thing back then!

Tell him to do one.

I'd be worried too about the gender stereotypes and misogynistic expectations he'd have of you if you were to have kids. I can't imagine my partner asking my to play housewife like this!

You clearly don’t think it’s highly misogynistic because you’re thinking about doing it.

Fuck that shit. Just say no.

I’ve been there OP. Unfortunately he wanted me to work there too, which was highly regrettable, but the issue was exactly the same. I believe it’s a misogynistic belief that fuels this requirement to have a performative wife who looks and behaves like a trophy, and is seen and heard in the right light, and in the right places - all of which are intended to shine even more light on your spouse, and gradually reduce your autonomy every time you agree to the next request. At one point I even had a birthday card from someone I’d never met (at his new job) who apparently couldn’t wait to meet me, which all added to the pressure to comply. I’m glad to hear you haven’t agreed!

Just do a couple of ‘prime’ seasonal drop ins a year and make that ‘your’ thing. So it’s not too burdensome but will look as though you do care about the family business.

If you make bit of an effort memorizing names and interests / if they’ve got kids then you’ll get credit for the quality over quantity approach.

So I’d pick Christmas and then one other key part of the year that’s related to the business - like end of tax year if it’s an accountant etc where people are under pressure and need a bit of a boost.

The other option is rather than doing big showy drop ins you make quiet thoughtful connections your thing. So hand written cards/notes and a little gift for big life occasions, thoughtful check ins for illness and bereavements etc.

That way you are not competing with the partner’s wife and show your DH that there’s more than one way for you to support the family business.

I think this is it , too ; performative. I totally see my DH being this person, too.
OP, I don’t think he’s in any way , malicious in his intent. Like said above , he just wants to be loved , publicly. And “show off “ his wife, perhaps.

Business Partners wife is a bored housewife who has nothing better to do, you have a career. He’s welcome to grow up and bake for his own staff if he feels they need more baked goods.

She’s not a prize cow.

OP I wouldn't do it. When I was a dental nurse the owner's wife would regularly pop in and get in the way and generally swan about like Lady Muck much to the annoyance of the dental nurses.

When I worked for a female dentist who owned the practice I never met her DH or children in all the years I worked there.

I might be totally grasping at straws here, but is he American?

The reason I ask is that I’ve worked for an American firm and found that involving spouses (well, wives) in work socialising was much more normal and expected there. ‘First Lady’ and all that.

Genuine question - why would you do this, rather than your husband?