Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s desire for me to play this Stepford wife role is highly misogynistic

279 replies

Dropko · 15/10/2025 15:31

I recently married dh. He is 44 and I’m 31 so there is a bit of an age gap which I think may be part of the problem. We had quite a quick engagement so we are still adjusting in the early stages of our marriage.

Dh co-owns and co-runs a business. Think dentist or vet surgery. There are roughly 30 people who work there.

I really have no need to ever go in. It’s located in a surrounding village that I never need to go to.

Anyway, dh has said it would be nice if I occasionally dropped in and said hello. I said “what for” and DH said it would just be nice to show I care to staff. Given the nature of the business the work can be emotionally draining. But I don’t see how my presence will help in the slightest. Dh gave his business partner’s wife as an example. I personally could never constantly be dropping in the way she does. She’s always baking for the staff and doing coffee drop offs. It’s just not me. She’s also a housewife whilst I work full time and commute into London several times a week. Even if I didn’t work it’s not my personality to be like that. If I was going in I might bring in a treat if it was Easter or something. But I never go in.

I’m a bit miffed. If it was the opposite genders no one would expect the husband to go in and play nice. It’s really bizarre to me. Dh says I don’t want to come across stuck up! Or am I being a bit rude?

My friends say he should buy the staff muffins if he’s so concerned

OP posts:
Sunshineandgrapefruit · 15/10/2025 20:45

Ask him when he's baking the muffins and dropping them off for your next team meeting.....

RawBloomers · 15/10/2025 20:50

thesilliestgoose · 15/10/2025 20:03

Business Partners wife is a bored housewife who has nothing better to do, you have a career. He’s welcome to grow up and bake for his own staff if he feels they need more baked goods.

It’s probably a bit more than being bored.

Business partner’s wife probably sees the business as more of a joint investment. Her financial well being is tied up in it in a way that OP’s is not.

prelovedusername · 15/10/2025 20:54

It’s competitive. His partner is winning the popularity contest with the staff and he doesn’t like it. You don’t have to engage in the competition, he’ll have to find another way of making himself popular.

Cherryicecreamx · 15/10/2025 20:55

Yes seems a bit flashy having a wife flaunt about doing no work. As a worker, I would find it off putting! Having someone watch over you whilst you work. Perhaps even being overly nice to someone you don't know because it's the boss's wife. It's all a bit performative on both ends.

Hocuspocus86571 · 15/10/2025 21:01

prelovedusername · 15/10/2025 20:54

It’s competitive. His partner is winning the popularity contest with the staff and he doesn’t like it. You don’t have to engage in the competition, he’ll have to find another way of making himself popular.

I don’t think this would be popular with staff? I worked in a small company where the wife used to come in all the time and everyone hated it and slated her as soon as she left

prelovedusername · 15/10/2025 21:07

Hocuspocus86571 · 15/10/2025 21:01

I don’t think this would be popular with staff? I worked in a small company where the wife used to come in all the time and everyone hated it and slated her as soon as she left

Show quote history

I don’t think it would either, but maybe the OP’s DH sees it that way. I did once work somewhere where the boss’s wife and kids were always dropping in. We actually liked her, she made up for him being a grumpy arse to work for.

Slave2Avocads · 15/10/2025 21:08

I tell him to shove a muffin up his jacksy

Sally2791 · 15/10/2025 21:08

No! Just no. If he’d like to bring homemade cake to your work then fine,but you don’t need to reciprocate.

marchmash · 15/10/2025 21:08

I would just do it out of solidarity with him. Put on a show and be absolutely charming so he can bask in the glow of it. You don't need to do it often or keep popping in, maybe once every 6 months? As long as he pulls his weight and helps you generally with stuff and would do something equivalent why not? Especially as it's his business and you benefit from it doing well. It's only the same as going and being charming at a husband or wife's office party with clients. It raises his image amongst the staff and doesn't cost you anything.

LeavesOnTrees · 15/10/2025 21:08

Firedrink · 15/10/2025 16:57

It seems a very dated position for him to take.
The sort of position a misogynistic man whose wife is kept by the business would take.
He somehow feels after barely two years together that you somehow owe him and his business for your lifestyle.

Really bizarre.
Are you intending to have children?
Your marriage was fast, with an age gap, hence you never noticed this side to him.
What other expectations does he have, that he will relentlessly go on about, despit you clearly not being onboard with them?

Do not rush into children or be railroaded into having a family quickly because HE is much older.
YOU have plenty of time to decide and it reads as if you will need every minute of it.
I would be concerned his mask is slipping.....it usually does about two years in.

Be careful OP and listen to your gut.

OP please take heed of this post. It may be wrong but there are a few red flags wafting about in the breeze.

Mrswhiskers87 · 15/10/2025 21:32

This is bonkers!!! I'd honestly assume my DH was winding me up if he suggested this.... and he is similar age to your DH. I would tell him directly that you have no intention of ever doing this.

Also I saw your comment re maybe sorting xmas gifts for his staff.... let him do it!

GaIadriel · 15/10/2025 21:57

Namechange822 · 15/10/2025 15:47

Why don’t you ask him to pop into your workplace with homemade treats for your team and see what happens? If he willingly does it with no weirdness, this is just a difference of opinion. If he refuses then it’s misogyny!

Does OP own the company she works for?

OK, I know that doesn't mean she has to go in but it's probs a slightly different dynamic. He's probs got longtime employees working there who are like "when are we getting to meet the new wife?" etc.

Not that OP needs to jump through hoops for them but I think it's less unusual than popping into a normal workplace where you'd get to reception and they'd want to see your pass.

GaIadriel · 15/10/2025 22:04

I think my bigger concern would be the fact I'd just agreed to spend the rest of my life with somebody that hates women (because that's what misogyny is). I wouldn't be fretting over baking etc!

Rainbowqueeen · 15/10/2025 22:05

You should not be spending any money on his staff. That's his job.

The most I would do is finish work early one night and pop in to collect him on the way for drinks and dinner.

Anything else is up to him to organise. He could be having family get togethers for all staff eg a summer picnic or christmas party that partners are invited to. Why isnt he?

I agree with the posters who say this is him trying to compete with his partner.

Ddakji · 15/10/2025 22:06

GaIadriel · 15/10/2025 22:04

I think my bigger concern would be the fact I'd just agreed to spend the rest of my life with somebody that hates women (because that's what misogyny is). I wouldn't be fretting over baking etc!

What a ludicrous overreaction. The OP’s DH isn’t being misogynistic and there’s nothing she’s said that suggest he hates women.

coxesorangepippin · 15/10/2025 22:11

Sounds like he married the wrong woman

HoppingPavlova · 15/10/2025 22:53

Dh and I have only really had one direct conversation where I said “yeah, that’s not me” which Dh sort of followed up by mentioning that it’s nice to show “appreciation” to everyone who keeps the business going

This makes no sense at all. It’s his role to show appreciation, not yours. Does he take in coffee’s and baked goods? If not, why not? Why is he not showing ‘appreciation’? Why is he not sorting wine and choice for Xmas and taking them n to show ‘appreciation’? He could do all of this himself, why is he determined to outsource it?

It also doesn’t sound as though you have direct conversations if he keeps ‘hinting’ and bringing up the same thing. “Look Roger, I believe we have had this conversation before where I made clear it is not my role to show appreciation to your workers in the form of my presence, or the provision of things such as coffee and baked goods. That’s your role, and if you are not fulfilling this then that’s up to you to rectify without my involvement. I’m baffled as to why you keep bringing this up, I don’t want to hear about it again.”

NigellaAwesome · 15/10/2025 23:53

It’s weird. I’ve been with DH for the best part of 25 years and neither of us has anything to do with the other’s work.

It does make me think of a friend who had her own demanding career. When she got married her DH had a big corporate job and she ended up leaving her career, had DC and very much played ‘the partner’s wife’ role in wining and dining colleagues and clients. I did query at the time how her pension might be affected by her leaving work and she assured me that her DH had told her not to worry, it was all in hand. Sadly, they are now separated and there is little money left.

I also know a school Mum whose DH was quite senior in one of the banks. She loved playing lady bountiful and actually used to call into one of the branches (nothing to do with where her DH actually worked) to get a cup of tea made for her by the staff whilst she was waiting to do the school run. I still cringe for her.

OP just keep doing what you are doing. Your DH’s expectations are being shaped by his colleague’s actions, and they are, IMO, of a bygone era. As an aside, I always made it a rule as a senior woman in a male dominated industry never to bring in food of any kind to work as I think as a woman it undermines your status.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 16/10/2025 06:43

“Sorry. I won’t be doing this as I don’t have time and it’s frankly weird!”

Maybe you need to pay your staff more, award decent bonuses for the staff to feel they are appreciated. A bit of cake from a woman they have no connection with is not going to make them feel valued”

That is all I would have to say on the matter.

Peridoteage · 16/10/2025 06:55

I dunno there can be a culture among small business owners of wanting it to feel like a "family business". I have a friend with a hair salon & she loves her DH "popping in" too, he'll rock up with cookies and repair bits and bobs while he's there. I know a few families where one spouse has a business like this and its not unusual for the whole family to be a bit proud of the little shop/office/salon & pop in...

Most of the ones i know are women business owners though, with husbsnds in more flexible jobs, i don't get how he thinks you can do this when you are in london.

PollyBell · 16/10/2025 06:57

He is bonkers, and yes that is my technical term for the day

Lurkingandlearning · 16/10/2025 07:22

Dropko · 15/10/2025 16:27

Dh and I have only really had one direct conversation where I said “yeah, that’s not me” which Dh sort of followed up by mentioning that it’s nice to show “appreciation” to everyone who keeps the business going. I have always been very non commital. “Yeah, maybe”/“im overloaded at work right now”/“im knackered” etc. He must’ve realised I really don’t want to go in. So the fact he STILL brings it up annoys me. It’s not like he’s always fussing at me. But for example, last week I had the morning off and he suggested I drop in. Luckily I had plans so had a great excuse. It’s grating! His willful ignorance is borderline pissing me off. It’s such a non issue. Why it can’t be dropped is beyond me

Why can’t you just say that you are not going to do it?

Agree to disagree that your occasional presence bearing baked goods will have no impact on how the staff feel and carry out their jobs.

rookiemere · 16/10/2025 07:40

It sounds like the sort of thing that would be fine if it’s part of your personality and you have the time and the inclination to do it - like the other partners DW. Even if you were to do it - and I definitely don’t think you should- based on your thoughts about it, I would suspect it wouldn’t create the same effect as you would be doing it under duress. If your DH wants to build good relationships with his team he should read/watch some management training.

Next time he mentions it, I would ask him if he can help out with some tricky spreadsheets with your work ( or whatever is pertinent).

thepariscrimefiles · 16/10/2025 07:50

marchmash · 15/10/2025 21:08

I would just do it out of solidarity with him. Put on a show and be absolutely charming so he can bask in the glow of it. You don't need to do it often or keep popping in, maybe once every 6 months? As long as he pulls his weight and helps you generally with stuff and would do something equivalent why not? Especially as it's his business and you benefit from it doing well. It's only the same as going and being charming at a husband or wife's office party with clients. It raises his image amongst the staff and doesn't cost you anything.

It would cost her a day's annual leave because, unlike her DH's business partner's wife, OP works full time.

ToffeePennie · 16/10/2025 08:08

When I was on maternity leave and between jobs, I baked a lot.
Just taking care of the kids all day is so boring and made my brain start to turn to mush, so I would bake.
I made so much I was sending it into the WI and giving it away free. Eventually, DH started taking baked goods to work, and it became a challenge (can you make savoury muffins, can you make something eggless/flourless etc) to make the requests.
I enjoyed it and had fun coming up with new ideas, but I wasn’t working.
This is key - I was not working.
The second I started my business, DHs colleagues actually bought me a pack of chocolate chip muffins from a supermarket to note an end to the baked goods.
In my mind, if you’re working, they don’t get free labour!