DH’s desire for me to play this Stepford wife role is highly misogynistic

[Dropko]

I recently married dh. He is 44 and I’m 31 so there is a bit of an age gap which I think may be part of the problem. We had quite a quick engagement so we are still adjusting in the early stages of our marriage.

Dh co-owns and co-runs a business. Think dentist or vet surgery. There are roughly 30 people who work there.

I really have no need to ever go in. It’s located in a surrounding village that I never need to go to.

Anyway, dh has said it would be nice if I occasionally dropped in and said hello. I said “what for” and DH said it would just be nice to show I care to staff. Given the nature of the business the work can be emotionally draining. But I don’t see how my presence will help in the slightest. Dh gave his business partner’s wife as an example. I personally could never constantly be dropping in the way she does. She’s always baking for the staff and doing coffee drop offs. It’s just not me. She’s also a housewife whilst I work full time and commute into London several times a week. Even if I didn’t work it’s not my personality to be like that. If I was going in I might bring in a treat if it was Easter or something. But I never go in.

I’m a bit miffed. If it was the opposite genders no one would expect the husband to go in and play nice. It’s really bizarre to me. Dh says I don’t want to come across stuck up! Or am I being a bit rude?

My friends say he should buy the staff muffins if he’s so concerned

Sounds utterly stupid and controlling. Be prepared for pressure to have a baby and then to quit your job. 🚩🚩🚩

He wants to show off his much younger wife to everyone he works with.

Why it can’t be dropped is beyond me

I think you just have to say so!

I expect he just wants to show you off, which is kind of sweet. You could pop your head in at Xmas. But bugger that malarkey in general.

I find your DH'S reasoning very archaic? My DH owns his own company and apart from the couple of years where I genuinely worked for him, I never visited his offices. Why would I? I think it's quite inappropriate to be honest, and rather 'Lady Bountiful offering succour to the peasants' etc.

There's no logical reason why his staff would be especially cheered to see me and vice versa? To them I'm just the Boss's wife and to me, they're just the people who work for DH. There's really no need for the twain to meet.

This is nonsense and so patronising towards the staff.

I don't think sneering at someone who likes to drop in on a small family business and share homemade things is particularly liberating to anyone. I don't think that occasionally visiting and supporting your husband is twee or anti-feminist in itself, even if done homemade muffins in hand.

Look, OP, we don't need to do psychoanalysis here. The simple fact is, you don't have to do it if you don't want to. This is a totally unreasonable request, misogynistic or not.

Ah maybe he just wants to show off his beautiful new bride & what’s wrong with that OP ☺️
He’s not going to say “ babe will call into work so everyone can meet you cause I think you’re fab “ 🤷🏻‍♀️ 😊

Exactly what I was going to say!

Is this not as much about country life as anything? It’s the kind of thing people get up to as there’s nothing to do.

Play along, if he hits the big time you can do a McKenzie Bezos

It's wifework really. Nope, don't start...

I think I'd wait before you have DC and see how things develop, if you are thinking of starting a family. Seems a bit on the controlling side to me (and I'm pretty controlling) and to keep going on about it, a tad coercive.

Are you his first wife OP? My first thought was he wants to show off the new younger model! Either way it’s weird.

Maybe he sees it as more of a family business. It would be be weird for you to go into his work if he worked for someone else but maybe not so weird when it's his own business.

I worked for a M to L independent business. The boss' DW (who had a small PT role) and DD often baked a cake over a weekend and it then appeared in the staff kitchen with an encouraging message ('thank you for all you do' - 'only X weeks to Christmas'). Awkwardly, the cakes were not the right size/composition to be shared easily - not a sheet cake or bars or mini-muffins or similar.
The best I could fathom, the DD and her mum, who were both lovely, liked baking together (never her DDad, the actual boss...) but understandably the boss and his DW didn't want to eat cake non-stop. Or maybe the lovely mum suggested, 'Let's bake a cake for the Cratchetts!'

I've worked in a couple of places where the bosses wife nipped in. I couldn't care less but a lot of people took it negatively - like she was coming in to lord it over everyone. For all you know the staff may see it this way but your husband and his partner and wife don't realise it.

If you really or other mens in business wives, that interested in staff well being, why you get millions but staff nmw? Also why you don't care but do turn overs each year

I've worked in small companies like this and they have all had family dropping in- owners mum and dad at one place uses to come in and knew all of us. I think it's to create a sense of family and co pany morale rather than bland office vibe.

If all he wants you to do is stop in with some costco pastries and say hi then it's hardly any effort. Why wouldn't you do it?

Different if he's asking you to get a blow dry and put heels and a dress on and spend the morning baking yourself.

Are you named on the business in anyway for tax purposes?

The weirdest thing about all this is that you haven’t had an open conversation with your DH about your perfectly reasonable thoughts on the matter. Why are you expecting him to get hints or realise or drop it? Why hasn’t the conversation gone, “it would be great if you popped in with some muffins and said hi to the staff from time to time!” followed by “erm, no thanks, that’s beyond weird and not something I’d ever do!”. It’s not difficult

Actually my (late) dad was born in 1924 and my mum never did anything like this. She would turn up at the Christmas dinner/party if partners were invited but never "popped in".

My (late) ex FIL was born in 1930 and was a small business owner in a posh market town and exMIL never did anything like this. She'd attend drinks or the party (organised by his secretary). I think once she sent mince pies but didn't accompany them but put them in a tin and gave them to FIL to deliver.

Assuming this is a GP surgery, I can only imagine the eye-rolling that goes on behind the back of the other partner's wife!

If my boss wife whom I have never seen flounced next to me and offered me cake, plus telling me who she is, I would be raising my eye brows and would ask her: is everything all right

God, how tiresome. 😬 I almost feel like cringing myself inside out just thinking about you standing around like that for half an hour being bored rigid.

How about he does it for your work first?

Homemade cakes and a trip to the office to glad hand everyone.

He can show you how it is done.