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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH’s desire for me to play this Stepford wife role is highly misogynistic

279 replies

Dropko · 15/10/2025 15:31

I recently married dh. He is 44 and I’m 31 so there is a bit of an age gap which I think may be part of the problem. We had quite a quick engagement so we are still adjusting in the early stages of our marriage.

Dh co-owns and co-runs a business. Think dentist or vet surgery. There are roughly 30 people who work there.

I really have no need to ever go in. It’s located in a surrounding village that I never need to go to.

Anyway, dh has said it would be nice if I occasionally dropped in and said hello. I said “what for” and DH said it would just be nice to show I care to staff. Given the nature of the business the work can be emotionally draining. But I don’t see how my presence will help in the slightest. Dh gave his business partner’s wife as an example. I personally could never constantly be dropping in the way she does. She’s always baking for the staff and doing coffee drop offs. It’s just not me. She’s also a housewife whilst I work full time and commute into London several times a week. Even if I didn’t work it’s not my personality to be like that. If I was going in I might bring in a treat if it was Easter or something. But I never go in.

I’m a bit miffed. If it was the opposite genders no one would expect the husband to go in and play nice. It’s really bizarre to me. Dh says I don’t want to come across stuck up! Or am I being a bit rude?

My friends say he should buy the staff muffins if he’s so concerned

OP posts:
Lunde · 15/10/2025 18:22

WhatIfWhatIf · 15/10/2025 17:39

I don't think it's a misogynistic thing.

I used to run a village based business and my husband used to pop in; he'd bring us lunch if we had an all day meeting or pop in to fix things or drop off treats. Not every day or every week but every now and then. He just wanted to show his support for me and what we were doing. It made things feel friendly at work and it made me feel like he cared about what I did, about the business and about me.

And I've done the same for him when he's been running businesses because I want to support him too. Ultimately, our family benefits from his business and I want him to feel, and I want to feel, like we're in it together - the business and life.

Yeah but OP is working full time and commuting - so it's not like she is passing or in the area - she'd have to use annual leave.

Would you have wanted your DH to pop in if he didn't want to? If he was working an hour away?

Hocuspocus86571 · 15/10/2025 18:24

Urgh I used to work for a place where the wife would frequently come in, everyone absolutely hated it and it very much had the feel of royalty coming to see the peasants 😅 I can’t imagine any staff actually like or want this

OneWildandWonderfulLife · 15/10/2025 18:24

I worked for a smallish company, employed about 30, the managing director was trying to get his wife to come in regularly, we suspected he wanted her to start working there so she was on a bit of a charm offensive, homemade cakes etc
One day, in the middle of tea break, the whole of the factory floor quiet, the door was flung open, and we heard her shout ‘Lawrence, I couldn’t park my Mercedes, you re clearly paying the staff far too much if they can all afford cars, now get one of them to move their car and park mine in its place.’
We never saw her at work again.

Perhaps you could try something along these lines😂

MostlyHappyMummy · 15/10/2025 18:26

This is so odd that it feels made up. Why on earth would he be asking you to bake for and pop in to see people you don't even know? Like some weird pseudo royal. And even odder, if true, that you haven't just asked him why he's lost his mind.

RitaIncognita · 15/10/2025 18:33

ClawedButler · 15/10/2025 16:07

Having worked at a place where one boss's wife would swan into the office at odd times and the other boss's wife didn't, in my experience people prefer the wife who's busy with her own life and isn't floating about the place like Lady Bountiful, bringing cakes no-one asked for and making fake-sounding chit chat with the 'minions' who have got bloody work to be getting on with.

I agree. And it is sexist because no one ever expects a Lord Bountiful to do it.

I remember this sort of thing happening when I was much younger and just embarking on work life. I am really surprised that it still goes on in 2025.

ForNoisyCat · 15/10/2025 18:34

Dropko · 15/10/2025 15:31

I recently married dh. He is 44 and I’m 31 so there is a bit of an age gap which I think may be part of the problem. We had quite a quick engagement so we are still adjusting in the early stages of our marriage.

Dh co-owns and co-runs a business. Think dentist or vet surgery. There are roughly 30 people who work there.

I really have no need to ever go in. It’s located in a surrounding village that I never need to go to.

Anyway, dh has said it would be nice if I occasionally dropped in and said hello. I said “what for” and DH said it would just be nice to show I care to staff. Given the nature of the business the work can be emotionally draining. But I don’t see how my presence will help in the slightest. Dh gave his business partner’s wife as an example. I personally could never constantly be dropping in the way she does. She’s always baking for the staff and doing coffee drop offs. It’s just not me. She’s also a housewife whilst I work full time and commute into London several times a week. Even if I didn’t work it’s not my personality to be like that. If I was going in I might bring in a treat if it was Easter or something. But I never go in.

I’m a bit miffed. If it was the opposite genders no one would expect the husband to go in and play nice. It’s really bizarre to me. Dh says I don’t want to come across stuck up! Or am I being a bit rude?

My friends say he should buy the staff muffins if he’s so concerned

I think he’s trying to keep up with the image that his business partner gives off. It is probably much appreciated by the staff though. Perhaps you could pop in with shop bough cakes (if no time to bake) but only every 3 or 4 months? If you’re really against it then don’t- if it’s really important to do why hasn’t he mentioned it to u before now?

Plugsocketrocket · 15/10/2025 18:34

Gosh thad sounds tedious. My husband owned a business and I’m qualified and have worked in the same profession as him and we have worked together in other companies so technically I could go into his work and even work there but why would he want that? And why would I want that? And he certainly wouldn’t want me dropping off cookies for his staff.

There is some need there with your DH @Dropko that this visiting his place of work would fix for him, maybe some kind of insecurity around his colleagues wife paying more attention or something but he could also choose to look at himself to fix it rather than looking for you to fix it for him.

ginasevern · 15/10/2025 18:35

I don't know about this one really. The thing is when you run your own business, especially a relatively small one, it does become an extension of you. Sort of like a second family (sorry if that sounds twee). But it is true. I don't think for one minute you should be popping in all the time with cake, but it wouldn't hurt to show your face sometimes if your DH would appreciate it. Especially as you say he hasn't got any other rigid, old fashioned views. I'd say the same if you asked him to pop into your small business. Marriage is a partnership and sometimes we all need to compromise or do something to make the other person happy - just because.

Barney16 · 15/10/2025 18:36

He sounds ridiculous. But you need to say no very firmly because when you prevaricate he isn't interpreting that as a no, he's hearing maybe.

FluffMagnet · 15/10/2025 18:39

With a team of 30, I can guarantee no one is going to "appreciate" you coming in to give them all a metaphorical pat on the head. I strongly recommend your DH gets himself some management training if he thinks wheeling in the wife is an incentive to staff.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 15/10/2025 18:40

Dh sort of followed up by mentioning that it’s nice to show “appreciation” to everyone who keeps the business going

That's his job.

I agree that he's going on about it because his partner's wife does it. The most I'd do in your position is to send in a box of goodies like luxury chocolates or posh brownies or those beautifully iced biscuits, but very rarely & not visiting the place myself.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 15/10/2025 18:41

If he wants to show his employees they are cared for he can give them a pay rise or a Christmas bonus.

He needs to realise you are your own person, not an extension of him to make him look good to his staff.

NikkiPotnick · 15/10/2025 18:42

If you work full time, commute and never go to this place otherwise, he must be expecting you to take annual leave to do it? And what's occasionally, two or three times a year maybe? That seems very odd to me! It's not like wanting you to pop in and say hi if you're often passing, or come to an evening function.

andthat · 15/10/2025 18:42

DBD1975 · 15/10/2025 16:52

I would love to do this.
I think it is great your husband wants you to be involved. I take an interest in my husband's job and work colleagues, if he had his own business I think it would be great to get to know his work colleagues.
It is a small organisation and no doubt has a family feel, I would be totally up for it (and I work full-time).

If I didn't want to do it for myself, I would still make the effort for my husband.
However I see I am in the minority, if not a loan voice!

I agree that this is about the @Dropko showing support for her husband.

Whats the harm in dropping in occasionally? It clearly matters to him. Don’t we sometimes do things that we’re not that bothered about because we love our other half and it would mean a lot to them?

wizzywig · 15/10/2025 18:43

I know its occasionally did pop in, and it was more to mark my territory. So people know i exist. Not exactly healthy but hey ho. He might see it as showing youre interested in his life. Like going to parents evening

Cardinalita90 · 15/10/2025 18:46

Oh cringe no! If you do this, the other woman will up it and bring in a picnic or something. I wouldn't want to get drawn into what could be perceived, or is, some weird competition.

Pop in to say hello at Christmas. Enough done.

Blanknotebook · 15/10/2025 18:47

May be he is really proud of you and wants to show his lovely wife to the staff.

Ddakji · 15/10/2025 18:48

It’s not in the least bit misogynistic, though it could be argued that it’s sexist.

I can see where he’s coming from, though - he runs a small business in a village - that makes him part of the community and I don’t see it as being hugely odd that he’s asking you to be a small part of that. You might perhaps feel you’re a bit young for that kind of thing which is fair enough but is also going to happen with this age gap.

PIL was very similar in that he ran one of the businesses mentioned in the OP and MIL was involved to a degree, think she would come to meals out, things like that. All the staff knew her.

But she wasn’t working full time or commuting, and had worked in a related filled, so it made more sense.

sandyhappypeople · 15/10/2025 18:56

There's a lot being banded about on here with regards to his motives for this, but to me it sounds like he's jealous of the united front his partner and wife put on with regards to the business, and perhaps you never coming in makes it look to the staff that you don't support him as much as the other wife supports her husband, he may also be wanting to show you off. Is he quite competitive/jealous usually?

You're under absolutely no obligation to do it of course, and to be honest I'd feel weird about doing it NOW he's asked anyway, as it is the opposite of natural. Does it really need both wives bringing things in and coming in to see the staff? It is a bit odd seeing as you work full time to expect you to do the same as her, but I can understand why he would feel slightly jealous of the other wife falling over herself to support the staff and husbands business.

RawBloomers · 15/10/2025 18:57

Dropko · 15/10/2025 16:40

I was thinking I could make an effort with Christmas. Buy posh wine and chocs?

Show quote history

Why? Let him do that. He can say it's from the both of you if he wants. Has he offered to come into your work and check everyone's oil and tyre pressure for them, or buy them all a bottle of whiskey and a golf Tee?

Neemie · 15/10/2025 18:58

Namechange822 · 15/10/2025 15:47

Why don’t you ask him to pop into your workplace with homemade treats for your team and see what happens? If he willingly does it with no weirdness, this is just a difference of opinion. If he refuses then it’s misogyny!

This is a good idea.

Alloveragain44 · 15/10/2025 18:59

It's very performative isn't it. Honestly I could be arsed but then my husband would know better than to ask.

Italiangreyhound · 15/10/2025 19:07

It's not just your DH's workplace it's his business. I can see where he is coming from. Might be nice. But if you are not willing to do it then so be it. And yes, if things were the other way round it would be more unusual but it'd still be nice for a spouse to show interest in a business.

DiscoBob · 15/10/2025 19:10

It would be nice to show you care to the staff would it? Care about fucking what?

Most workplaces don't allow random members of the public to linger around the office, warehouse, factory or clinic just because they are sleeping with one of the senior staff.

It's bizarre and unnecessary and yes, sexist that he suggested it.

I don't know if that's the only creepy request he makes of you but I'm seeing red flags blowing all over the place.

AlphaApple · 15/10/2025 19:11

It's definitely not an age thing, he is nearly a decade younger than me and that type of expectation is much older school.

It kind of sounds like he loves you and would like to show you off, or that he's insecure about his own ability to show his staff appreciation, or that he's cultivating a "family" vibe at work and wants you to be part of it.

Unless he has other misogynistic viewpoints I wouldn't be too annoyed. Although you are entirely reasonable to duck out.