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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dh and his principles

252 replies

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 15/10/2025 12:31

I will start this by saying dh get on well. We generally share the same values and beliefs. We are very similar.
We both have adult dcs from previous relationships. Everyone gets on well, no issues whatsoever.
However, dh has become more and more vocal about the leaders of foreign countries. He strongly disagrees with certain politicians policies. I get that.
The issue is my dd has the opportunity to go and live and work in one of these countries. It is a fabulous opportunity which most people will never get. She wants to go and will be well rewarded by her employer for going.
She has looked at what this entails. She will be able to return if she doesn’t like it etc.
I have said I will go and visit her. I would not be able to afford to go otherwise.
Dh has said he will not go on principle.
He has then moaned that ‘I will be leaving him on his own.’
I am currently under an immense amount of stress and shouted at him that I don’t give a fuck about his bloody principles. I also said if he wants to sit in the house all day and refuse to go to this and that country then fine, but I am going.
I also said would he really not see his own dcs for years due to principles?
He said yes he absolutely would stick to his principles and not see his children rather than go to any country which he disagrees with.
I don’t think I am being unreasonable.
It ended with me shouting that I’m sick and tired of all this. That I don’t care about what politicians are doing. That I’m thinking of MY feelings for once and putting myself first.
He says well thank god someone cares about these countries.
I have said that my going will not have any impact on the leaders of these countries.
I care more about my dcs than anyone else.
Dh thinks I am selfish.
Let me also add that I have done lots of things for charities over the years, all at my own expense.
Thanks if you have got this far.
Anyone else been on this situation?

OP posts:
Princejoffyjaffur · 15/10/2025 12:32

is it the UAE? I don't blame him if so

AnonKat · 15/10/2025 12:34

I mean there are many countries that I will not visit due to my principles. And I wouldn't give those up for anyone honestly.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 15/10/2025 12:36

I don't know why you're already arguing about it. She hasn't even moved yet, and he's moaning about being left on his own!

Cross the bridge when you come to it.

If it is somewhere with crappy human rights, could you arrange to meet halfway at a safe destination, then you could all have a holiday?

Wherethewildthings · 15/10/2025 12:36

Depends which country. And also your daughter should probably think about if it's somewhere she actually wants to live and try to integrate herself. But without knowing the country it's hard to say if he's being unreasonable.

saveforthat · 15/10/2025 12:36

Definitely depends on the country. Which country is it?

pikkumyy77 · 15/10/2025 12:38

AnonKat · 15/10/2025 12:34

I mean there are many countries that I will not visit due to my principles. And I wouldn't give those up for anyone honestly.

Yes. I agree.

Greggsit · 15/10/2025 12:38

It's ridiculous that he's moaning about being left on his own for what, a couple of weeks? But he's not wrong in sticking to his principles. And you were definitly wrong for shouting and swearing at him.

Noshadelamp · 15/10/2025 12:40

I don't understand what he thinks is selfish of you? Leaving him on him own or going to a country that is against his principles?

You can value human rights and be against a government for specific reasons, but then also value family.
It's just that for you (and me) you value your family higher than anything else.

Nothing wrong with that, it's your personal choice.

Your DH seems to think his values and his ranking of values has to be the same for you, but you are two different people, married or not you're allowed your own principles and values.

FruitMergeAddict · 15/10/2025 12:40

If it's UAE or China or Russia that's one thing, if it's Trump then I would probably feel a bit icky but bend my principles.

peakedat40 · 15/10/2025 12:40

Tbh I don’t think it matters which country it is.

They are his principles; not hers, and not yours. He can exercise those principles by not visiting her, but he doesn’t get to decide that for her or for you.

Generally speaking I do find people who stick rigidly to Principles (with a capital letter, no less) tedious in the extreme.

ZippyPeer · 15/10/2025 12:40

There are definitely countries I wouldn't go to if I didn't have to. But I wouldn't judge someone else for going to see a family member.

Think the weird bit is the 'leaving him on his own', surely as an adult he'll cope ? Is that what the disagreement is really about?

Noshadelamp · 15/10/2025 12:41

Also is it possible for your DD to visit home instead of you going there? Not saying you should do that just because of your DH but if the country is unstable or dangerous.

JudgeBread · 15/10/2025 12:41

He sounds like a pompous arse but you sound excessively angry about this. I can't imagine I'd be swearing and shouting at my husband in this situation, I'd probably just shrug and say "ok you do you, I'm still going though". If he started swearing and shouting at you about his principles would you be comfortable with that behaviour? I doubt anyone on here would be, he'd be labeled abusive before we got onto page 2.

RawBaby · 15/10/2025 12:41

Absolutely there are countries I would strenuously advise my adult children not to live in, regardless of career advances. Your daughter is not your DH's child, so surely it doesn't much matter whether he wants to visit or not, if she goes to live in this country?

I don't understand what you mean by this: I have said I will go and visit her. I would not be able to afford to go otherwise.

Are you saying that you need your DH to subsidise you to visit her, even if he doesn't go hismelf?

What you've done for charities down the years is completely irrelevant.

TrifleSprinkles · 15/10/2025 12:45

My father used to be a grumpy old sod like that.

Ignore him, when push comes to shove he'll go with you rather than being left at home. If he does stick to his principles then hard cheese. Go and have a great experience with your daughter.

YesImaman1100 · 15/10/2025 12:48

He sounds like a massive bell end, and it would be exhausting.
Do as you please and see your daughter if it comes to her moving.

The fact he is being so insufferable about a 'maybe' situation must be annoying.

Hoppinggreen · 15/10/2025 12:53

Seeing my DC is far more important to me than any principles but its up to him.
You can go and "leave him on his own"

TotallyUnapologeticOmnivore · 15/10/2025 13:00

Why does your husband think he can't cope on his own for a few weeks? Is he unskilled in the arts of cooking his own dinner or putting a wash on?

crappycrapcrap · 15/10/2025 13:02

You’re right. You can go to a new country, experience the culture and have a wonderful time - even if you disagree with their political stance/leadership.

you don’t need his permission to visit your child. Wave him farewell and enjoy!

RandomNewIdentity · 15/10/2025 13:04

There are countries I'd think twice about, because I'm not sure I'd be safe, but if my child was living in one I'd certainly visit

There are many more countries where I don't particularly like the regime, for whatever reason, but my not visiting would not make any difference whatsoever.

It's far too easy to jump on some bandwagon and say it's all about principles. If you care, find a practical way to help, donate money or something. Your husband is being a knob

IvedoneitagainhaventI · 15/10/2025 13:08

It totally depends on what country she is going to.

I admire him for sticking to his principles.

And I hope your dd has thoroughly researched human rights isues, and issues pertaining to her own safety if she goes and works in this country.

Frankly I think you should be ashamed of saying you don't care what politicians are doing. Politics affects every area of our lives. And, even if your dd isnt personally affected by the politics of the country she is going to, not caring a damn about the citizens of that country is the epitome of selfishness.

toomuchfaff · 15/10/2025 13:16

Pointless arguing; you achieve nothing.

Instead, accept he has his principles and is making a decision to not go (regardless of the impact). But he has to also give you that same respect. That you have your principles (seeing your DD)and you are making the decision to go. Its not your responsibility to entertain him, is he a toddler? are you his mother? No, he's a grown adult quite capable of taking care of himself, and if he is not then thats his problem.

I wouldn't argue about it any more, its not for discussion. Decisions have been made.

Daisy12Maisie · 15/10/2025 13:18

I would go and visit my child wherever they were in the world. He can have his principles but I would be going to visit my child regularly eg once a year (so not really regularly). It would be non negotiable. People visit their children in prison when they have killed someone. I wouldn’t not visit my child because I didn’t agree with the values of the country.
He doesn’t need to come, that is fine but I would be annoyed if my partner tried to stop me visiting my child. If he doesn’t want to visit his own that is up to him. I think your partner would change his tune if it was his child or maybe he would’ve but it’s a personal choice for you or him to make not enforce on each other.

BauhausOfEliott · 15/10/2025 13:26

It's your daughter, not his. He isn't being unreasonable by not wanting to compromise his principles in order to visit your adult child overseas.

He is, however, being unreasonable to complain that you are 'leaving him on his own'.

arcticpandas · 15/10/2025 13:27

If its UAE you're unreasonable for not having educated your dd on women's position there. I would not visit anyone there and I would be very disappointed If my dc accepted to go there for work.

If it's the US he's being ridiculous. It's not because their president is a twat that the whole country is to blame.

If it's Italy he's unreasonable because no matter what you think of Meloni- their food is to die for.

If it's France he's unreasonable because I think the president is the rare exception of powerful men marrying an older woman. But on the other hand, she was 40 when he was 16 so..🤢

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