Dh and his principles

[Sparklesandspandexgallore]

I will start this by saying dh get on well. We generally share the same values and beliefs. We are very similar.
We both have adult dcs from previous relationships. Everyone gets on well, no issues whatsoever.
However, dh has become more and more vocal about the leaders of foreign countries. He strongly disagrees with certain politicians policies. I get that.
The issue is my dd has the opportunity to go and live and work in one of these countries. It is a fabulous opportunity which most people will never get. She wants to go and will be well rewarded by her employer for going.
She has looked at what this entails. She will be able to return if she doesn’t like it etc.
I have said I will go and visit her. I would not be able to afford to go otherwise.
Dh has said he will not go on principle.
He has then moaned that ‘I will be leaving him on his own.’
I am currently under an immense amount of stress and shouted at him that I don’t give a fuck about his bloody principles. I also said if he wants to sit in the house all day and refuse to go to this and that country then fine, but I am going.
I also said would he really not see his own dcs for years due to principles?
He said yes he absolutely would stick to his principles and not see his children rather than go to any country which he disagrees with.
I don’t think I am being unreasonable.
It ended with me shouting that I’m sick and tired of all this. That I don’t care about what politicians are doing. That I’m thinking of MY feelings for once and putting myself first.
He says well thank god someone cares about these countries.
I have said that my going will not have any impact on the leaders of these countries.
I care more about my dcs than anyone else.
Dh thinks I am selfish.
Let me also add that I have done lots of things for charities over the years, all at my own expense.
Thanks if you have got this far.
Anyone else been on this situation?

Nobody can really comment until you tell us what country OP

'Let's agree to disagree - lets talk about something else'
I myself will have places i wont travel to on principle, but its totally unreasonable to put it on you! Its your own choice!
Also any response to 'you are leaving me here on my own' needs to be 'you're a grown adult, you'll survive' and then changing the subject. What a dick.

Of course they can. The country makes not a jot of difference. It is no more relevant if the OPs DD is going to live somewhere MN disapproves of than if she’s going to live somewhere the DH disapproves of. Both have nothing to do with where she chooses to live!

He's talked a big game about his principals and talked himself into a corner as a result. Hopefully his daughter is more important than his ego and he'll go with you (begrudgingly).

Also, moaning about being left on his own? Are you married to a 10 year old? 😅

You mention DH getting "more and more" like this, that you're "sick and tired of all this" and want to put your needs first "for once" - it sounds like there is much more to it than just whether or not you both visit your DD in Tyrannistan or just you.

What other examples are there? Does he control the food shopping with a list of countries you're not allowed to buy from? Or news consumption, or which bank you're allowed to bank with? Because being principled is laudable but using those principles to control the actions of the rest of the family is not.

I don't think he is BU to not want to go. There are countries that I wouldn't visit on principle either. Whether or not they are the same countries that your DP won't visit is irrelevant. He is entitled to have principles and stick to them.

However, he is not entitled to impose those principles on you, to tell you where you can or can't go, or to try to make you feel guilty about wanting to do something that he doesn't agree with.

If you're comfortable visiting your dd wherever she is going, then you should go ahead. He is free to decide that your visit is a deal breaker for the relationship if he so chooses, but he isn't free to tell you what to do.

Depends what the country is.

I dislike Meloni but visiting Italy doesn't equate to propping up her government.

I would not visit the USA currently. Not just because I dislike Trump but because I have a history of activism that makes it riskier than usual at the moment.

I would not visit Saudi Arabia or Israel on ethical grounds, knowing how both countries use tourism to wash their image and having such a strong stance against both governments. Probably Dubai as well.

You are unreasonable to mock his "principles" with such contempt. Principles are incredibly important in life and it's good to see someone who sticks by theirs.

He is unreasonable to moan about being left alone. He doesn't have to go anywhere he doesn't want to but it's pathetic if he can't cope by himself while you choose to go.

I can see both sides. From the thread title I was expecting that your DP was using his "principles" as an excuse to act like a knob and conveniently wriggle out of something he he didn't want to do, and was expecting to say YANBU.

But depending on the country I think he is not unreasonable to decline to travel there.

What I would say is

He is BU to whine about being left alone - pathetic reason - if he is actually feeling unsettled about this apparently mismatch of values between you he needs to discuss that head on

YABU to shout at him

But I think there is more behind this. You seem very dismissive of his increasing engagement in politics. Without knowing exactly what he is thinking, doing and saying it is difficult to know who is being more unreasonable overall.

I agree - the country is irrelevant. There is no where I wouldn’t go in order to visit DC’s. I don’t have to like or agree with the politics but I do have to see my DC’s.

It depends on the country. And I suspect there’s a reason OP hasn’t specified which one.

Either way, no need to have a shouting match about it. Agree to differ and you go off and do you. Just don’t expect him to bankroll/ campaign night and day for your release if you wind up in a UAE jail being force fed semolina. 😀

I disagree. The question isn't really about whether or not we agree with the DP's "principles". It's about whether his behaviour is reasonable in light of those "principles".

My view is that he doesn't have to go anywhere he doesn't want to go, but he has no right to dictate to the OP what she should do. What I would do is irrelevant because I'm not in a relationship with either of them.

There are many countries i wouldn't visit in any circumstances. However, I wouldn't mind if anyone else went.

I'm not sure why you're arguing tbh - you can agree to disagree. Its not as if you are contemplating relocating there yourselves. It's your daughter not his. When the time comes, you go visit her and he stays at home (moaning if he wants to). I suspect this is just part of the story and there is something else going on.

No way I’d miss out on seeing my child for the sake of principles.

How long are you going for? I assume you’re not moving there for a protracted amount of time? What’s the issue? You go, he doesn’t. If he’s lonely than it’s his choice.

these are not problems

Really depends on the country - if it’s somewhere like the UAE, Saudi or Qatar, then I’d honestly be quite disappointed in my DD that she wanted to move somewhere with such little regard for the rights of women, ethnic and religious minorities and migrant workers from the developing world. I’d hope I’d raised her better than that.

As to whether I’d visit, I don’t know. I would find it very morally challenging, but I’m also not sure I could go years without seeing my DD if that was the alternative.

Putting all that aside, I find your DH’s complaints about ‘being left alone’ extremely pathetic - I would give my DH short shrift if he ever tried to stop me going anywhere he wasn’t interested in on those grounds. He doesn’t have to go anywhere he doesn’t want to go, but he doesn’t have the right to stop me going.

I think it’s a bit daft and performative to refuse to set foot in a country on principle to be honest.

There are plenty of countries in the world of which I find the government objectionable: UAE, North Korea, Saudi, China. Increasingly even America. But there are millions of blameless people living in these countries who depend on the economy ticking over and visiting them doesn’t mean you are directly subsidising the regimes.

No one is asking you to swear allegiance or revoke your citizenship, you are tourists. And you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face if you refuse to visit family there.

My love for my children would override any other feeling so I would go.
If he chooses not to, then it is his decision!

It depends too much on the country. Somewhere that is genuinely unsafe and known for human rights abuses? Or just somewhere whose government/policies you don't agree with?

There are definitely places I would not visit on principle.

I would tell him. My daughter, my money.

I’ll bet it’s Dubai. Go. Have a fabulous time and send him pictures of you in a 7* hotel drinking cocktails with your middle finger stuck up.

There's nothing wrong with him sticking to his principles, but it is very unreasonable to whine about being left on his own - he's a grown man!

There are some countries that I would not visit on principle. However I would never expect someone else not to go there.

The leaving him on his own thing comes across as controlling.

Presumably you're all adults. DD can choose where she lives and works, you can choose to visit her, DH can choose not to go if its against his principles. He doesn't get to whine about being left alone if you and he choose differently.
(And it's immaterial what the country is)

I'm with him on the certain countries thing. The only issue here is him sulking over being left alone, which is controlling and pathetic.

If your OH feels so strongly about it then one must assume there are serious problems there. If so do you feel comfortable about your DD going there or you visiting?
He is entitled to his views. And I can't quite understand why you are so angry.