Dh and his principles

[Sparklesandspandexgallore]

I will start this by saying dh get on well. We generally share the same values and beliefs. We are very similar.
We both have adult dcs from previous relationships. Everyone gets on well, no issues whatsoever.
However, dh has become more and more vocal about the leaders of foreign countries. He strongly disagrees with certain politicians policies. I get that.
The issue is my dd has the opportunity to go and live and work in one of these countries. It is a fabulous opportunity which most people will never get. She wants to go and will be well rewarded by her employer for going.
She has looked at what this entails. She will be able to return if she doesn’t like it etc.
I have said I will go and visit her. I would not be able to afford to go otherwise.
Dh has said he will not go on principle.
He has then moaned that ‘I will be leaving him on his own.’
I am currently under an immense amount of stress and shouted at him that I don’t give a fuck about his bloody principles. I also said if he wants to sit in the house all day and refuse to go to this and that country then fine, but I am going.
I also said would he really not see his own dcs for years due to principles?
He said yes he absolutely would stick to his principles and not see his children rather than go to any country which he disagrees with.
I don’t think I am being unreasonable.
It ended with me shouting that I’m sick and tired of all this. That I don’t care about what politicians are doing. That I’m thinking of MY feelings for once and putting myself first.
He says well thank god someone cares about these countries.
I have said that my going will not have any impact on the leaders of these countries.
I care more about my dcs than anyone else.
Dh thinks I am selfish.
Let me also add that I have done lots of things for charities over the years, all at my own expense.
Thanks if you have got this far.
Anyone else been on this situation?

I've actually had opportunities to visit the UAE and Saudi Arabia for work. I turned them down because that work would have directly promoted both countries. But ironically, had I gone, I would have felt a lot safer than if I were to go to the US now - the nature of my work would have meant I was protected and shown only the nice shiny bits of the cities. I wouldn't be confident that a similar work trip to the US would protect me in the same way.

Impossible to say without knowing which country. With it being the US, I absolutely wouldn't go. I just wouldn't want to be anywhere over there right now.

It's way beyond Senegal and I don't worry at all that it would affect me as a tourist, more that I am not prepared in any way, no matter how small, to support countries where that happens. It's not a sign, it's literally that I will not spend any of my money there. America's really not in the same league and I think people are catastrophising about Trump - I'm no supporter of his by any means but he's old, he's one man, it'll pass.

I would if my son was working there for a long time and he wanted me to visit. Not seeing my son for several years isn't going to change those regimes one iota.

Obviously your DD will go and you will visit her. Your DH will probably, relent but if he doesn’t, that’s his choice, he’ll see her when she visits the UK.

I'm a bit like your husband @Sparklesandspandexgallore

I absolutely loathe Trump and all he represents, and spent far too much of his first term getting incredibly irate about it.

This time, I'm trying to not care. I can't do anything about him so I'm ignoring any news about him as much as possible.

I still wouldn't travel to the USA though. Not because of my principles, but because I simply don't believe its a safe place to visit for the forseeable future. I don't trust that I wouldn't be disappeared off the street because I once said something untoward about Dear Leader on Facebook once. I don't trust that DP or DD would be able to get lifesaving care in the event of a reproductive issue. I don't trust that I won't get shot just because someone somewhere decided today was the day they're going to shoot someone. And frankly, I don't trust that the entire country isn't going to descend into Civil War overnight.

The place is a binfire, and it's not just about Trump. Even if there was an election tomorrow and the Democrats won, it'd still be a good few years before I considered going there. The entire nation is rotten right now, and I don't see the point of risking my life for a holiday.

Like having overstayed your tourist visa or ESTA waiver entitlement at any point, ever, even thirty years ago, even by 36 hours. Having applied for a NAFTA visa and been refused, even on a pure technicality like having forgotten one item of documentation, again, at any point ever. Having been stopped by the police for any reason, however minor, at any point on any previous visit to the US. Having social media that betrays your politics.

DH was in the US not long ago for work, and he was asked why, when he'd had a Morrison visa in the mid 1990s, and had lived legally and paid tax in the US for a couple of years, he had then left the country and chosen not to pursue a green card.

I'd go to the moon to see DS, there are lots of countries I wouldn't personally work or live in but visiting to see your child isn't a tacit endorsement of a regime

I still wouldn't travel to the USA though. Not because of my principles, but because I simply don't believe its a safe place to visit for the forseeable future. I don't trust that I wouldn't be disappeared off the street because I once said something untoward about Dear Leader on Facebook once. I don't trust that DP or DD would be able to get lifesaving care in the event of a reproductive issue. I don't trust that I won't get shot just because someone somewhere decided today was the day they're going to shoot someone. And frankly, I don't trust that the entire country isn't going to descend into Civil War overnight.

I feel very much like this. Not worth the risk.

Couldn't agree more.

I wouldn't choose to visit or work in Maga / Trump USA either. People being kidnapped on the streets by masked men...tourists and others doesn't seem a decent place to be. The regime have said they will check people's protest history when they apply for Visas so its possible DH wouldn't be able to go anyway.

I don't think that the OP indicates anywhere that she thinks her husband is being silly.

Unreasonable. But not silly.

In fact she shares his concerns. She just doesn't see them as the dominate factor dictating whether she should or shouldn't visit her kids and is somewhat frustrated that he does.

Personally I view anyone who thinks that if they visit a country that constitutes a personal endorsement of that countries politics at the minimum a bit strange and maybe even arrogant. Not sure that is relevant to the discussion though.

The country in question here is a distraction.

Having visited the US once, I didn’t like it much at all and have always said when asked if I’d go back: “ I would need a very good reason to”

Visiting my dd would definately fit that criteria.

He is not being unreasonable to choose not to go on principle.
He is being unreasonable to whine about being left on his own if you choose to go anyway.

There do exist some people for whom "principles" are just an excuse to be an arsehole to others, under the guise of morality.

I wouldn't even go there on holiday at the moment.

Just let him stew, OP. Trump won't be in charge forever.

There are a number of countries I would never visit out of principle. Personally I love visiting the US, have been many times and have dozens of good friends over there.
However, like your husband I wouldn't visit either now because of Trump. For starters I would need to buy a burner phone and set up fake social media accounts which is just a pain in the arses because the simple act of critising anything to do with Trump or the US in general is a deportable offence and refusing to give up your social media details and open access to your phone too.
Hopefully your daughter doesn't have anything like this, but I would advise you get her to check just in case and get her to check and sanitise any social media she does have. The removal of habeas corpus and ignoring constitutional rights from non citizens means being extra careful when travelling there and especially when going there for work. Also for her to ensure that her company guarantees that she will still have a job back here if her visa is revoked or it just gets too expensive to stay, beating in mind as of September h1b visas cost 100k and more punitive visa regulations will come.

My sister has the same attitude, OP. I've told her it may not be long before she feels obliged to exile herself from the UK.

The US is not on my list of potential holiday destinations at the moment, but that's largely because of the risk of spending a lot of money and then being denied entry for something they didn't like on social media. If I was going to stay with an immediate relative, I'd take the risk and just make sure I didn't have anything on social media that might cause an issue (I don't tend to post that sort of stuff anyway, tbh).

Fair enough for him to decide not to go, but odd to go off on one about you going! In practice you might find your DD ends up being the one travelling, especially if her transfer includes e.g. an annual return flight home, which is fairly common in some industries.

The gun culture makes it a no no for me, apart from all the other stuff.
But your DD is an adult and can choose what she does, as are you.

I really think your daughter needs to be careful about being a woman in America, the way that things currently are. I personally will not be visiting the USA until things change for the better over there and I understand your husband's attitude. However equally, I would absolutely be visiting my daughter wherever in the world she may be, so you are not unreasonable there!

As it is America I don't see the problem.
I am no fan of DT but ask your DH what he thinks of what DT has achieved with the situation in Israel/Gazza no other world leader could have done what he has done.
Also you would not be leaving your DH on his own, he is choosing not to go which is his choice, however, your choice is still to go, I don't see the problem.

Mmm, the way he's blurring the two is a bit sus.

Your DH is a selfish twonk. How dare he question your desire to see your DD and moan about being left alone. Is he 12?

Yes Trump is an even bigger twonk and lots of other things, but your DD should seize the opportunity to advance her career. Enjoy your trip to see her.