Dh and his principles

[Sparklesandspandexgallore]

I will start this by saying dh get on well. We generally share the same values and beliefs. We are very similar.
We both have adult dcs from previous relationships. Everyone gets on well, no issues whatsoever.
However, dh has become more and more vocal about the leaders of foreign countries. He strongly disagrees with certain politicians policies. I get that.
The issue is my dd has the opportunity to go and live and work in one of these countries. It is a fabulous opportunity which most people will never get. She wants to go and will be well rewarded by her employer for going.
She has looked at what this entails. She will be able to return if she doesn’t like it etc.
I have said I will go and visit her. I would not be able to afford to go otherwise.
Dh has said he will not go on principle.
He has then moaned that ‘I will be leaving him on his own.’
I am currently under an immense amount of stress and shouted at him that I don’t give a fuck about his bloody principles. I also said if he wants to sit in the house all day and refuse to go to this and that country then fine, but I am going.
I also said would he really not see his own dcs for years due to principles?
He said yes he absolutely would stick to his principles and not see his children rather than go to any country which he disagrees with.
I don’t think I am being unreasonable.
It ended with me shouting that I’m sick and tired of all this. That I don’t care about what politicians are doing. That I’m thinking of MY feelings for once and putting myself first.
He says well thank god someone cares about these countries.
I have said that my going will not have any impact on the leaders of these countries.
I care more about my dcs than anyone else.
Dh thinks I am selfish.
Let me also add that I have done lots of things for charities over the years, all at my own expense.
Thanks if you have got this far.
Anyone else been on this situation?

Both of you are not wrong, however I don't understand why you are arguing about this to the point of you shouting?

It definitely depends on the country. UAE I wouldn't have to worry as DD wouldn't want to visit there, let alone live there for a year, so the dilemma would not be one I'd have about visiting.

America, yes, I'd visit to see my child, but I certainly wouldn't WANT to go

Without knowing which country it is hard to make a judgment. I would in some cases be supportive of going somewhere for work, as opposed to a holiday.

I wouldn't go to the UAE either and would be quite disappointed if my spouse and child decided to support such a regime.

There are countries I wouldn't visit due to my principles, I wouldn't however, assume to tell my DH he couldn't visit his children in said country.

I'm glad you told him to fuck himself.

I honestly don’t think it matters which country. There are several that I personally wouldn’t visit. However, the issue isn’t his refusal to visit (he’s well within his rights to refuse to go anywhere). It’s the fact that he’s moaning about you doing so. And not even because of his much vaunted principles - because he objects to being left alone for what is surely a fairly short period of time. He’s BU.

Do you ever go away without him and does he object to that?

no I don't think it does depend on which country because its 3 adults we are talikng about. One has been offered a job she wishes to take. I get being concerned about her safety and maybe disagreeing with her principles and stating both these things to her, but she has the right to make her own choices. The other two adults also have a right to disagree on principles and make different choices about whether to visit the daughter in said country or not. What none of them have any right to do is to whine about being "left alone". What both parents also have a right to do is to decide whether such a big disagreement means that the marriage can no longer continue. personally I could put up with the difference of opinion but not with the whining.

but would you whine about being left alone?

As is common on MN, it does sound as though this was the straw that broke the camel. The posted problem is often not the problem....see "I divorced my husband for not putting his cup in the dishwasher".

There are countries I refuse to visit on principle.

If my son moved to one of them, I'd be furious at having to compromise those principles. But I would go. Begrudgingly. Spending as little money as possible. And offering to pay for him to come home instead, and see his friends at the same time.

So I do understand where your dh is coming from, and I kinda admire him for having more moral fortitude than me.

He absolutely shouldn't be moaning about being on his own if you go though. Why can he not manage on his own?

Ok so to answer a few questions.
It’s the USA.
The point about being able to afford it is down to the fact that I will stay with my dd free of charge.
I know I was out of order shouting at dh but he seems to he obsessed with how much he detests Donald Trump. Seriously he talks about him a lot.
I am no fan either but I will not let that stop me visiting my dd.

Depends which country, but generally he's being ridiculous.
If he doesn't like Trump, so what? Visit USA anyway, it's a fab place.
I'd really squirm if I had to visit a country where they practice FGM though because I have a whole different level of specific hatred for that.
But for my child, probably I'd go anywhere.

He's not unreasonable to refuse to go. He's not unreasonable to try discourage you from going. He is very unreasonable to moan about 'being left alone.'

There are some countries I wouldn't go to at all, not even to visit my child. I'd suggest we both meet up somewhere lovely instead, like France or Italy or Portugal.

I would also judge my child for taking a well paid job in a human rights abusing country, but I'd respect it's her choice and not mine.

It doesn't matter how much cash Qatar, Iran, Afghanistan or UAE chucked in someone's direction, there are some things you just don't do.

The thing is he can choose not to go. What he can't do is dictate that you don't go under the guise of 'being left alone'. He's being a guilt tripping brat.

DD needs to make sure she has a very reliable LARC fitted before she goes.

Jeez, the states? Half of them hate Trump anyway, just like half of us were appalled by Brexit. Good luck to her.

Probably yes, if my whole family chose to go off to a dictatorship with an appalling human rights record and leave me on my own worrying if they were going to come back.

This sounds unnecessarily dramatic. He's entitled not to visit any country he doesn't want to, you are entitled to visit any country you want to. Tell him you do not wish to discuss it further. No need to fly off the handle.

Let him stay behind on his own and you can go and have a lovely time without him.

He’s ridiculous. Go.

Needing the ha ha emoji again. Expressing disapproval is one thing, whining is another

He's hardly alone in his views, and a lot of people are choosing to avoid the US at the moment.

His whinging about being left alone when you visit is unreasonable. But it’s very unreasonable of you to expect him to be okay with going somewhere just because you are. It’s fine for him to not be prepared to visit because he disagrees with the laws/social contract/other over arching aspect of a country and how it is run. Dislike of one leader seems a bit fickle, to me, but not to the extent I think it’s unreasonable. I live partly in the US so obviously don’t share his perspective (though I hate Trump, too) but I don’t expect everyone to think or behave exactly like me.

But your shouting at him (which on the face of it is unreasonable) does make me wonder if this is really about him being the unreasonable one trying to make you do what he does. Especially with the moaning that he’ll be lonely if you go - sounds very much like a change of tack because you won’t bow to his “logic” and own prohibition on visiting.

I think it depends on the country. I'd be unhappy about DD going to, e.g., Saudia Arabia to work.

The US... I kind of get where he's coming from. I'm not mad keen on the idea of visiting anytime soon, and I used to live there and have close family there. Depending which state she's going to, it's not the safest place for a woman anymore. Especially one of reproductive age. Like PP says, make sure she has contraception sorted out before she goes (and not something that relies on a prescription being honoured/ filled over there). But, ultimately, if your child is an adult then the decision is hers.

Your dh sounds insufferable and verybrude, calling you selfish for wanting to visit your daughter - really!!

On the face of it you blowing your top at him does sound an overreaction - unless, as is perhaps the case, he was trying to belittle and control you and you are sensitised to it, because this is in fact a pattern of behaviour, him tryig to be your 'moral keeper'