Dh and his principles

[Sparklesandspandexgallore]

I will start this by saying dh get on well. We generally share the same values and beliefs. We are very similar.
We both have adult dcs from previous relationships. Everyone gets on well, no issues whatsoever.
However, dh has become more and more vocal about the leaders of foreign countries. He strongly disagrees with certain politicians policies. I get that.
The issue is my dd has the opportunity to go and live and work in one of these countries. It is a fabulous opportunity which most people will never get. She wants to go and will be well rewarded by her employer for going.
She has looked at what this entails. She will be able to return if she doesn’t like it etc.
I have said I will go and visit her. I would not be able to afford to go otherwise.
Dh has said he will not go on principle.
He has then moaned that ‘I will be leaving him on his own.’
I am currently under an immense amount of stress and shouted at him that I don’t give a fuck about his bloody principles. I also said if he wants to sit in the house all day and refuse to go to this and that country then fine, but I am going.
I also said would he really not see his own dcs for years due to principles?
He said yes he absolutely would stick to his principles and not see his children rather than go to any country which he disagrees with.
I don’t think I am being unreasonable.
It ended with me shouting that I’m sick and tired of all this. That I don’t care about what politicians are doing. That I’m thinking of MY feelings for once and putting myself first.
He says well thank god someone cares about these countries.
I have said that my going will not have any impact on the leaders of these countries.
I care more about my dcs than anyone else.
Dh thinks I am selfish.
Let me also add that I have done lots of things for charities over the years, all at my own expense.
Thanks if you have got this far.
Anyone else been on this situation?

It doesn't matter which country it is or whether other people would choose not to visit it on principle. You are happy to visit because your daughter will be living there. It sounds like your husband is more bothered about you leaving him on his own, poor helpless baby.

Stop arguing with him, neither of you are going to change your mind. You don't need his permission to visit your daughter so go and visit her on your own, tell him your plans and refuse to discuss his objections. He's allowed whatever principles he likes but he can't force you to share them.

It's probably Dubai, in which case I don't blame your husband - I wouldn't go out of principle, either. However, he shouldn't be moaning that you'll be leaving him on his own - he's a grown man ffs.

If my child were planning to move to particular countries or even visit, we would be having some very serious discussions. She would not have my support and I would not visit.

Shouting and swearing at him? That’s really not OK.

There are solutions here, you both need to find them instead of right-fighting.

Third country for holidays. Stay in places and do things that don’t benefit the government (typically home stays and collectives). She comes home to visit. There are lots of things that aren’t people screaming at each other.

Placements in countries with doubtful records do tend to be well rewarded by their employers, because otherwise whyt would anyone go. Same with careers in military technology, etc.
Every principle has a price, and for him it's too great, for you and your daughter it's not.

Personally - I’d apologise for losing it and swearing. But state calmly that you will be visiting your child if she choses to go.

It doesn’t matter which country it is - your child is an adult. She can make her own choices. And so can you.

Your H is not a child and can survive for the week/etc while you may potentially be visiting your child.

What a dick.

Of course you will go alone to visit your child if he refuses. I can't imagine why you wouldn't?

People are flagging the Arab states, china and Russia, which I would agree to, but I also wouldn’t want to be a woman of childbearing age in the US right now, they are a good deal closer to Gilead than many people seem to realise.

However he seems to have more of an issue with you leaving him alone, which is frankly pathetic. This ain’t about politics, it’s about him being a self centred manchild.

There aren't many places I wouldn't go to visit my children, I know lots of people who are from countries who Mumsnetters think of as 'dodgy' and all of us travel internationally through these countries, or visit them for work quite frequently, I would not live there, and don't take money from their governments, but to visit would be fine for me.

Dubai is a huge transit destination for other parts of the world, to start with. I've visited my friend who lives there. Others including your husband can put their foot down if they want, let him. Just support your daughter, encourage her to look into the region she's thinking of moving to, and visit yourself. Leave him out of it. Ignore his moaning, what type of a person can't be left alone for a week or two when he has no dependent children?

It is very imperialist to not go to a whole country because of principles formed from your armchair a thousand miles away. I personally would jump at the chance to go to a country where I disagreed with their politics and way of life to learn more. Unless it was going to an active war zone for example.

Is it likely that he'd complain about you leaving him on his own if you went somewhere else, ie are you allowed holidays without him generally? I just noticed the bit about leaving him on his own.

This exactly.

Neither of you are wrong in your approach but both in the way that you're handling it. You both need to accept the others views. He has to accept that your want to see and support your child is more important to you than politics and that it's not fair to moan at you for leaving you on your own. It's his principles not yours and his choice not to go so he can't berate you for not making the same choice. Or call you selfish etc. You need to accept that he is sticking to his principles which is admirable in many ways (lots of people abandon their principles if there is something in it for them) and not shout at him for this

Depends on where you're talking about.

If he doesn’t like trump and therefore is whining about you visiting your adult dd in America then he’s a tit. Though I wouldn’t enjoy going through their customs it certainly wouldn’t stop me seeing my children.

However if your daughter is planning on living and working in Saudi Arabia I’d be very concerned for any female travelling there and wouldn’t be able to keep it to myself.

Difference between safety and politics I suppose.

on balance YANBU.
If he feels that strongly, well that’s fine. No point in him going anyway as he’d probably be a liability. But he doesn’t get to control whether you go or not.

Lots of people go to (or have to live in) countries with political systems they find objectionable. Knowing more about them from the inside could make him a more effective advocate for change when he returns.

Theres some countries he might need to avoid if he’s been openly critical on SM etc. I guess.

You don’t blame him from trying to stop his wife from going somewhere with her daughter?

It’s scary that people think like you, you really think you’re more progressive than the UAE?

You’re both right. Nothing wrong with refusing to visit a country that conflicts with your principles.

But he needs to understand you think differently and will go to see your daughter. If he is left alone that’s on him.

He's got the right to stay home, you've got the right to go. His principles should include accepting disagreement.

He says thank goodness someone cares about these places, well, other than shout at you, what does he do for them?

.....I don't think you're being unreasonable to go.

But I think it might have been a better idea, when he said he wouldn't go, to have said, "Okay."

And when he said he'd be all alone to have said, "I think you'll manage."

Having advised that, I have to admit I'd probably have done what you did.

I'd possibly not want to visit that country, but also not want my DD to reside there either. It really depends on the country.

Hmmm, I have certain countries I will never visit due to my principles. But they are my red lines and I understand if my husband wanted to visit one of them, but it would be without me. And if HE is paying for the trip, it´s his problem. Your husband has a right to his red lines, he doesn´t have a right to impose them on you.

Other than Israel, Afghanistan, Iran, there isn't anywhere I wouldn't go if it was to visit my child. And I'd be seriously worried if my child was planning to go to any of the countries I've listed, because their life would be in danger.

Well, are all these highly principled people offering good jobs (or any jobs) to the young today, many of whom have debts for their education before they even start work and who cannot afford decent housing in many cases for years? Apparently not - so they should shut up. Horses for courses.

hmm, depends on the country tbh. Where is it @Sparklesandspandexgallore ? Perhaps we can give a fairer answer.