Dh and his principles

[Sparklesandspandexgallore]

I will start this by saying dh get on well. We generally share the same values and beliefs. We are very similar.
We both have adult dcs from previous relationships. Everyone gets on well, no issues whatsoever.
However, dh has become more and more vocal about the leaders of foreign countries. He strongly disagrees with certain politicians policies. I get that.
The issue is my dd has the opportunity to go and live and work in one of these countries. It is a fabulous opportunity which most people will never get. She wants to go and will be well rewarded by her employer for going.
She has looked at what this entails. She will be able to return if she doesn’t like it etc.
I have said I will go and visit her. I would not be able to afford to go otherwise.
Dh has said he will not go on principle.
He has then moaned that ‘I will be leaving him on his own.’
I am currently under an immense amount of stress and shouted at him that I don’t give a fuck about his bloody principles. I also said if he wants to sit in the house all day and refuse to go to this and that country then fine, but I am going.
I also said would he really not see his own dcs for years due to principles?
He said yes he absolutely would stick to his principles and not see his children rather than go to any country which he disagrees with.
I don’t think I am being unreasonable.
It ended with me shouting that I’m sick and tired of all this. That I don’t care about what politicians are doing. That I’m thinking of MY feelings for once and putting myself first.
He says well thank god someone cares about these countries.
I have said that my going will not have any impact on the leaders of these countries.
I care more about my dcs than anyone else.
Dh thinks I am selfish.
Let me also add that I have done lots of things for charities over the years, all at my own expense.
Thanks if you have got this far.
Anyone else been on this situation?

Remember to get him an I❤NY t-shirt on the way back.

Does he also boycott all things made in the USA such as medications, airplanes, electronics, machinery, gas…?
Hes being ridiculous full stop. But if he really feels strongly that is his right but he should not impose on you or try to guilt you! He sounds like a misguided buffoon making grand statements and sulking when others around him notice he’s a giant twat

To be honest, the USA is a red line for me right now. It's not just to do with disliking Trump. For many reasons and on many levels I would not feel safe there.

He won't be allowed in once they check his social media by the sound of it! Have a nice trip without him.

I have family in the US. I won't be visiting them while Trump is in power. Partly on principle but mainly because it's very clear from my SM what I think about him, and I don't fancy being arrested simply because I don't like him or his policies. We can meet in Canada or Mexico or the Caribbean or they can come to Europe instead (if they want to).

Ah ok the US. I guess it depends on the state.

Agree with this. You've invited him, he doesn't want to go. You want to see your own child - that is perfectly right. Don't feel guilty about leaving a grown-up man to do so.

Unless you are staying in the leader’s house as their own personal guest, I think his attitude is incredibly silly.

That's not really what the discussion is about though is it ? It's not about a random individuals preferences on which country they travel to, or even yours.

It's about whether a partners morality should be allowed to veto where their other half travels to, and whether it's acceptable to play the guilt trip card when they refuse to comply.

He sounds tedious in general.

I can't abide Trump, and what he's doing to his own country is appalling. The country no longer appeals to me for a holiday at the moment, but I recognise that that's a 'me' thing, and it wouldn't even begin to factor in if a child of mine moved there. I have very good friends there who also hate Trump and what he's doing, but if they invited me to visit, I wouldn't refuse.

Anyone would think she was going to Afghanistan.
On a slight tangent, about ten years ago, I visited Iran. Of course I have no truck with its government, but the people themselves were wonderful. I'm widely travelled, but there is no country that I've been to that matches the hospitality and warmth of its people. I wouldn't go at the moment, but judging an entire country by the actions of its government is just silly.

So yes, fine for him to not go (though he need to not go on about it) but not fine for him to dictate that you don't.

He’s quite right to stick to his principles and boycott whatever country he wishes, but unless you are his carer he has no right to be moaning about being left alone if you go.

My DD lived in the USA for 2 years. OF COURSE we visited. She's somewhere else now, but me and DH are still planning a visit to the US in 2027. We want to see Nashville and the places near there. Don't care who is President. Blimey, he sounds like he's going to ruin your retirement.

As a U.S. Citizen and resident, my advice is that you should be make sure you are extremely well prepared before trying to enter. Don’t risk making any mistakes. Detention might be temporary, but may not be as brief or considerate as in other countries.

He’s being ridiculous, the UK is in a worse mess than the US and has equally awful leadership. It sounds like a great opportunity for your daughter and I expect you’ll have a lovely time visiting her.

As much as I don’t like Trump, if one of my kids was living there of course I would go. He’s a grown man, he can look after himself.

What sort of mistakes?

Principles are fine, to not see your child over them - pathetic.

He sounds tedious all round though tbh, that's probably why you lost it with him.

Good grief. No, I wouldn't allow his ridiculous 'principles' to prevent me from doing whatever I wanted, especially if it meant keeping me from visiting my family.

In fact, I think this would be a perfect time to LTB.

What exactly is his 'caring' from his comfortable home in the UK achieving?

Self-righteous twat.

(I'm not planning to go to the US while the Orange One is in charge either, but I'm under no illusions that it will change anything at all. Nor is it some lofty proof of purity I can preen about and impose on others.)

My DC mean more to me than any principles so visiting them, no matter where they end up in the world, is non-negotiable for me. Your DH can have his principles and not visit but he doesn't get to moan to you about you going or leaving him on his own. T

ell him to wind his neck in & butt out as you are not seeking his opinion or permission on visiting your DD.

Yes, I would advise the OP's daughter to be extremely careful.

This Canadian woman working legally in the US was detained for a fortnight, moved around to different detention centres and actual prisons, in chains in appalling conditions. The stories of the other women, none with criminal records, that she met in prison are fairly chilling -- women detained for things like having overstayed three days at the end of a student visa, left the US for their home country for years, and then flew to the US for a holiday years later on a tourist visa and were detained.

And this is a white Canadian woman, with a Canadian passport, no criminal record, a work visa, a lawyer, friends and family advocating for her, a politician lobbying for her release, lots of media attention etc etc.

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/mar/19/canadian-detained-us-immigration-jasmine-mooney

I also know the family of Donna Hughes-Brown who has lived legally in the US since the 1970s, is married to an American army veteran, had her children and grandchildren there, and who was detained in isolation after she flew back from visiting family in Ireland because of writing a bad cheque for $25 in 2015, for which she'd done restitution at the time.

Another Irish guy overstayed his US holiday visa by three days after injuring his leg and being advised by doctors not to fly till the swelling went down, and was detained at the airport while trying to leave, and imprisoned for three months.

I posted that because the OP seems to think her husband is just being silly with his principles and political concerns. I was pointing out that not only are his principles sound, there may be safety concerns on top of them.

Like I said earlier in the thread, I fully agree that he can't and shouldn't have a say in whether she goes, and tantrumming about being left behind is pathetic. But her dismissal of his principles is equally pathetic to me.

I’m not disagreeing re: avoiding countries that practice FGM, as a sign of your commitment to eradicating VAWG, but it’s vanishingly unlikely you’d go on holiday to Senegal and become a victim yourself. Whereas it would be most unwise for a woman of child bearing age to visit large swathes of the US these days, and that’s before we get to mass shootings and arbitrary detention (which is documented as happening to European travellers).

My point is terrible things happen in lots of countries and I completely agree it is legitimate to boycott on that basis. In many cases, it’s terrible things happening to the local population. In the case of the US, many Gulf countries, terrible things also regularly happen to visitors.

Depends where she’s going I guess. I’m not keen on the UAE because I’m gay and I don’t condone how gay people there are treated. However, if I have to go for work (has happened), I go, and if one of my kids moved there I would definitely visit them.

”Principles” are great but in a similar way to how it’s sometimes expedient to apologise to someone you love even if you think you were right, I think the question “would you rather be happy, or right?” applies here.

Also, no-one in the US cares whether you've expressed dislike of Trump on social media. Free speech on SM is still allowed there, and anyway, do you honestly believe they do background searches on everyone who enters the country as a tourist?