AIBU to feel really hurt by my boyfriend saying my conversations are pointless?

[Itsnotmybirthday15]

I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, but I’ve been feeling quite down lately about how my boyfriend responds when I talk to him.

He’s started saying that I “talk too much” and that some of the things I say are “pointless.” Sometimes, after I’ve said something, just a normal observation or something I found interesting, he’ll ask, “What is the point of this conversation?” or “Why are you telling me this?”
It makes me feel like I’m annoying him, like I’m a nuisance. Like I’m a burden, honestly.

I tried explaining to him that most conversations in life don’t really have a “point” in the way he seems to mean. Like when you ask a colleague how their weekend was. it’s not going to change your life, but it’s polite, it builds relationships, and it’s just part of being a human being who connects with other people.

He doesn’t seem to get that. I don’t think I’m saying anything strange just general chit chat, sharing random thoughts, or things I saw or read. I think that's normal in a relationship? He never seemed to have an issue with what I say or how much I say when we first got together.

If I’m honest, I think I sometimes fill the gaps because I don’t like awkward silences. But really, I just want someone in my life I can talk to and share thoughts with. It’s not about constant chatter, just a bit of warmth and connection.

What makes it worse is that when he says something equally mundane, it’s fine. For example, earlier he texted me to say the neighbour was having some roof work done and it was noisy when he was trying to relax couldn’t do anything about it, but I still appreciated that he was sharing a bit about his day. I’d never say “what’s the point of that?” because it’s just normal conversation.
But when I mention something similar, he’ll often not engage, shut it down, or say something that makes me feel like I shouldn’t have spoken at all.

I've always been quiet around people I dont know and at work I tend to just keep my head down. I have some friends at work who I do chat to and speak to daily. I've even started to speak to them less in the staffroom as I feel like maybe i am annoying and people are just tolerating me.

AIBU to be really upset about this? Or am I just being too sensitive and overthinking it?

I'd be constantly asking him what the point of something he has said was. He needs to understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of such rude behaviour.

If you want kids leave him now. This is not a man to have kids with and if you get out now you have time to find someone who will be a great co-parent with you. (You also might not but the longer you stay …). I had DT at 38

You say that having a baby might not happen for you anymore. Why? You are only in your mid thirties young enough to find someone else and have a family eventually.

Don’t give children this father, think how hard their lives would be..frightened to speak and be joyful..wanting children makes it even more important not to believe love can fix this (behaviour)

Truly, he is not the person for you. He really is not good enough for you. Please end the relationship and do not look back.

At work just be yourself.

He may well have asd but reason though that may be for his difficult behaviour with you, it is not a reason to stay with him.

He sounds like he does not want to communicate with you and he just does not care.

There was a viral trend on TikTok a while ago – yes, I know, these things are silly etc etc – but it was called The Bird Test, and was supposed to test your partner. Pretend to see a bird out the window you're interested in and ask your partner (when he's not clearly very busy with something) to come and see it. Your partner passes if he takes the time to come and take an interest in the bird. They fail if they ignore you or make you feel like a waste of time.

As silly as these things are, I thought that one held a lot of merit.

DH has just come in from work and we've had quick 10 min chat before he got in the shower. We talked about what time I finished work, the fact his boss bought him a nice lunch as he's agreed to go in to do some extra tomorrow, I talked about how I fancied a bath later to shave me legs, how dark its getting and the little takeaway place we used to go to on our first holiday together.

Yes it may be pointless but conversations build connections and strengthen bonds. We can go away for 2 weeks on our own and still find lots to chat about. I couldn't imagine not being like this.

If he'd always been like this it could be a personality trait or maybe ND but as its started recently I don't think this is the case. Seeing many women suffer a similar type of abuse please listen to advice and trust your gut feelings.

Well done for putting yourself first. I am neurodivergent and I struggle a lot with being around other people due to sensory overload, OCD, mood swings etc, but that’s why I live alone and I would never dream of taking out my problems on my loved ones. So whilst I sympathise with your DP if he is autistic, that doesn’t excuse his behaviour and shouldn’t be a reason for you to tolerate it, especially when you sound so kind and empathic. The irony is, if he wasn’t being so unpleasant you would no doubt be a huge support for him if he gets a ND diagnosis, but it’s not worth it when someone just throws it back in your face. So please don’t feel guilty if you do eventually break up, you need to do what’s best for you. Good luck xx

Echoing the others, OP.

My ex was like this. I did realise early on that conversation was quite one-sided but ignored it because I thought I was being silly/shallow/picky. It never improved. Quite the opposite. It was one of the many red flags I sadly ignored.

Get out now while you're still young and before he breaks your spirit.

This isn’t love.

In my experience you have more of a chance waiting to have a family with someone else than waiting for the right time to have a family with the wrong person. The longer you stay with him, the more time runs out.

How did the meal go by the way?

Me too, I remember thinking quite early on that he never asked questions. But I dismissed it as we had common interest and plans, and chatted about these, and also i was like OP and mid 30s wanting to be a mother.

Maybe you can play him at his own game before leaving him. Go completely silent, only barely speak. If he says you are quiet you can say that he said your conversations are pointless. If he says something ask him, what is the point of that comment.

My dh told me I was too lod. I started saying things about arrangements etc in a quiet voice so he would barely hear. Then when he didn't hear, I could say I DID tell you.

Hi op if your looking at having kids more reason to reevaluate now. He won’t get better with age but imagine your kids coming home from school telling him stories and he shuts them down that would be awful for there confidence he’s choosing this behaviour you won’t be happy in the long term believe me. Some days I might say one sentence and that’s it lucky if I get oh or ok. But when he talked for ages about people I didn’t know he would literally go around the houses and I would be expected to just listen. The amount of times I wanted to hey I don’t fucking care. See how he liked it.

"He doesn't have any friends and recently disclosed to me that he hates people."

He is NOT father material.
Children need tolerant parents who not only listen and respond to them, but actively want to.
They need parents to show them how navigate the world, how to mix with other people, how to socialise and how to make friends and find love so that they can go on to have happy and fulfilling lives.

Honestly, please dump him. You sound lovley and his behaviour is not normal in a healthy loving relationship. I was dating someone like this who made me feel like I was a chore to talk to, and that I constantly had to be entertaining, yet quiet and not too much and it eroded my self esteem and honesty had an effect on my mental health. When I asked them to listen to me and act like they cared they made me feel like I was being so unreasonable and dramatic and we ended up breaking up. At the time I was heart broken, but getting out of that realtionship was the best thing that could habe happened to me and thank god I wasn't in it for longer. I'm now with someone new, we live together and have a lovely life together. We chat constantly about our days and cute dogs we've noticed or something funny we saw and I never feel too much. I just feel how love is supposed to feel like. We just got back from a lovely few days in Italy for my birthday and wee were laughing and chatting and pointing out things together the whole time. Your partner is meant to feel like one of your best friends and your biggest cheerleader and the person you can be your wondeful chatty silly self around. Someone who loves you should never make you feel small or like a chore. And honestly what is he bringing to the table that is so important or scintillating? You are worth so much more than someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.

It seems to me that he has a problem with empathy. How does he behave with other people? Are you expected to sympathise with his problems such as the noisy neighbour? How is he in a social setting, can he do the small,talk himself? I am NOT an expert but my husband and stepson are both on the autistic spectrum and behave somewhat similarly to your boyfriend. My husband especially cannot cope,with small talk. He doesn't understand that it is the social glue that connects people and can be enjoyable as well as valuable. My stepson copes better with that but finds open social situations impossibly difficult. I suspect that your BF might possibly have some autistic traits. If I can say to myself that my husband is saying this like this it's because he's autistic that can help me feel less put down. It's not easy though.

My mind just goes off on adventures when people
start talking to me like this 😂 I’m unmedicated for my adhd because it just made me feel constantly sick and lost a pile of weight on it. But yea, I would love to scream at these chatters 🤣

Yes, I agree with this - he will undermine children’s confidence due to his insecurities.