AIBU to feel really hurt by my boyfriend saying my conversations are pointless?

[Itsnotmybirthday15]

I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, but I’ve been feeling quite down lately about how my boyfriend responds when I talk to him.

He’s started saying that I “talk too much” and that some of the things I say are “pointless.” Sometimes, after I’ve said something, just a normal observation or something I found interesting, he’ll ask, “What is the point of this conversation?” or “Why are you telling me this?”
It makes me feel like I’m annoying him, like I’m a nuisance. Like I’m a burden, honestly.

I tried explaining to him that most conversations in life don’t really have a “point” in the way he seems to mean. Like when you ask a colleague how their weekend was. it’s not going to change your life, but it’s polite, it builds relationships, and it’s just part of being a human being who connects with other people.

He doesn’t seem to get that. I don’t think I’m saying anything strange just general chit chat, sharing random thoughts, or things I saw or read. I think that's normal in a relationship? He never seemed to have an issue with what I say or how much I say when we first got together.

If I’m honest, I think I sometimes fill the gaps because I don’t like awkward silences. But really, I just want someone in my life I can talk to and share thoughts with. It’s not about constant chatter, just a bit of warmth and connection.

What makes it worse is that when he says something equally mundane, it’s fine. For example, earlier he texted me to say the neighbour was having some roof work done and it was noisy when he was trying to relax couldn’t do anything about it, but I still appreciated that he was sharing a bit about his day. I’d never say “what’s the point of that?” because it’s just normal conversation.
But when I mention something similar, he’ll often not engage, shut it down, or say something that makes me feel like I shouldn’t have spoken at all.

I've always been quiet around people I dont know and at work I tend to just keep my head down. I have some friends at work who I do chat to and speak to daily. I've even started to speak to them less in the staffroom as I feel like maybe i am annoying and people are just tolerating me.

AIBU to be really upset about this? Or am I just being too sensitive and overthinking it?

Please remember you don't have to justify to him your reasons for ending the relationship. You can explain to him if you like, but he doesn't have the right to judge your reasons for leaving. You are unhappy. It is not something he can change as it's part of his personality. Be firm and do not doubt yourself.

Life isn't meant to be like this. You're worth a lot more.

DH isn't as much of a talker as I am, but he would never, ever shut me down with such a rude response. I'm afraid that you and your boyfriend aren't compatible (largely because he sounds like a jerk). If you're someone who likes to talk with your partner (perfectly normal) and perceives long silences as awkward (not unusual), you'll probably never be happy with someone who can't even have a casual, meaningless conversation with you. You can tell him how you feel, but this is who he is, and he'll have difficulty maintaining a friendlier facade day after day, year after year. The real him will inevitably break through. I'd weigh the pros and cons and seriously consider whether he's the one you want to spend your life with.

This is the saddest and anger inducing thing I have read today and your updates don't offer much hope that this is going to end anytime soon, so just update us when you have dumped the miserable, disrespectful pr!ck .

So sorry that you're with this awful man OP. He's not very nice to you at all is he. You're already adapting yourself around him and others, you'll just get smaller and smaller....you need to end this, but it doesn't sound like you will. Please read the other thread on here about 'ignored red flags'

I'm not the chattiest man in the world, in fact I'm quite stoic (boring). As a result I'm generally drawn to women who can talk my ear off, it takes the pressure off me to be a conversational whiz.

DP is great, she can talk for Britain, and it's generally interesting, and something I can engage with. And she's also comfortable with silence without feeling it's awkward.

One of my exes was equally chatty, but after a few months I realised how inane most of this chat was. It was long meandering stories about things that had happened to other people I'd never met that weren't particularly interesting and didn't have any conversational hooks that might invite a response.

The relationship didn't last long.

None of us on this thread know which of the above you are @Itsnotmybirthday15 , but really, it doesn't matter.

My ex's conversation started to drive me up the wall, but I didn't start insulting her, and knocking her confidence. Instead, We broke up, because why would I want to be in a relationship with someone I didn't enjoy spending time with.

Your boyfriend doesn't seem to want to break up with you OP, which suggests he doesn't actually find you all that boring. Instead, he seems to be enjoying destroying your confidence. He doesn't like people, so what more perfect a partner for him than someone who doesn't want to socialise at all. You're not that person yet, so he's going to try and break you down until you are.

He's not a very nice man OP. Why would you want to be with someone like him?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5427039-that-red-flag-you-ignored?reply=147817730

If he feels that way and you feel otherwise, I'd suggest you aren't really compatible and should move on.

It sounds like you’re trying to excuse his behaviour by saying he might be depressed but - he has told you the man he is! He likes to be solitary. He likes quiet. There are no explanations necessary - this is who he is!

I don't know if you plan to have a family one day, but consider this if you do: every stress and strain in your relationship will be magnified if you choose to have kids together. The kids will witness and normalise this behaviour towards you. And he will likely treat the kids similarly. I just want to suggest this to you in case it helps you decide.

He's knocking your confidence
You need to end the relationship

This is the answer.

You might want to support him but he doesn't care enough for you to.

Please dump him. He obviously doesn’t care for you and he’s chipping away at your self esteem .

Your boyfriend sounds like he has an undiagnosed comdition
i have adhd and autism and I cannot stand pointless chit chat, it’s pointless and annoying to me.
obviously how he’s saying this is rude.

He doesn’t hate people he hates himself and the way he feels around other people so he avoids them. Then he can avoid his feelings.

90% of what couples say to each other is mundane stuff. “Look there’s a squirrel”. You could equally “what’s the point” to everything he says.

You need to find someone more comfortable with themselves and more able to be in a relationship.

My ex husband didn’t listen to a word I said. Eventually I just stopped talking because there was no point. Now happily divorced!

@Itsnotmybirthday15 This happened to me in my marriage. I was married for 17 years and the last few years were awful. My ex changed from seeming to love my conversations and even delight in what I said at the beginning of the relationship, to being contemptuous about everything I said. He would have a sneer on his face while I talked, undermine me in front of the dc, and roll his eyes behind my back. At one point he even said to me that he'd had to leave the room as he found it annoying that I was laughing and having fun (we were playing a board game with the dc).

I've been separated for almost 2 years but am still recovering. I've lost so much confidence about talking to people, and feel worried that I am annoying them, that I've isolated myself a lot since my separation. I'm working on it now though. Please don't let it get to this point! I realise now that my ex was very depressed and taking it out on me, and it may be the same with your boyfriend.

There's nothing wrong with you or your conversation, you sound like a lovely, warm, interesting person!

He seems like a wanker. Move on OP, there's no future with such twats.

Leave him

I totally feel this. I am not the same person now. I don't see me ever trying to find a relationship. I feel so worthless actually. This healing, if it is happening at all, is very slow.

Sounds as if he's checked out mentally. Have you noticed anything else that would suggest depression?

I don’t know what your conversations are about. But I know a woman who NEVER stops talking. And when she does tell you a tale, it’s got far too much information in it such that the listener switches off or you completely miss the point. I feel like saying - can you get to the point!

I know other people too who do this. I prefer less detail and more summary.

I couldn’t be in a relationship with the example above, it would drive me mad. You sound like chalk and cheese. Maybe he’s starting to become tired of it.

Do you want those for the rest of your life? It’s rude and unkind of him. You deserve better.
Imagine this situation in 10 years time? Do you have people around to your place?

If he is e.g trying to watch a film and you're interrupting to excitedly tell him there's 2p off Baked Beans at Aldi this week the he might have a point.

But, I have a feeling that he's just a shitty, rude and confidence sapping boyfriend and you should walk away.