AIBU to feel really hurt by my boyfriend saying my conversations are pointless?

[Itsnotmybirthday15]

I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, but I’ve been feeling quite down lately about how my boyfriend responds when I talk to him.

He’s started saying that I “talk too much” and that some of the things I say are “pointless.” Sometimes, after I’ve said something, just a normal observation or something I found interesting, he’ll ask, “What is the point of this conversation?” or “Why are you telling me this?”
It makes me feel like I’m annoying him, like I’m a nuisance. Like I’m a burden, honestly.

I tried explaining to him that most conversations in life don’t really have a “point” in the way he seems to mean. Like when you ask a colleague how their weekend was. it’s not going to change your life, but it’s polite, it builds relationships, and it’s just part of being a human being who connects with other people.

He doesn’t seem to get that. I don’t think I’m saying anything strange just general chit chat, sharing random thoughts, or things I saw or read. I think that's normal in a relationship? He never seemed to have an issue with what I say or how much I say when we first got together.

If I’m honest, I think I sometimes fill the gaps because I don’t like awkward silences. But really, I just want someone in my life I can talk to and share thoughts with. It’s not about constant chatter, just a bit of warmth and connection.

What makes it worse is that when he says something equally mundane, it’s fine. For example, earlier he texted me to say the neighbour was having some roof work done and it was noisy when he was trying to relax couldn’t do anything about it, but I still appreciated that he was sharing a bit about his day. I’d never say “what’s the point of that?” because it’s just normal conversation.
But when I mention something similar, he’ll often not engage, shut it down, or say something that makes me feel like I shouldn’t have spoken at all.

I've always been quiet around people I dont know and at work I tend to just keep my head down. I have some friends at work who I do chat to and speak to daily. I've even started to speak to them less in the staffroom as I feel like maybe i am annoying and people are just tolerating me.

AIBU to be really upset about this? Or am I just being too sensitive and overthinking it?

Don't stay with someone who makes you question yourself or feel uncomfortable in your own skin. I've been there and it erodes your sense of self. You sound like a lovely person who can take her conversational skills out and find a much more pleasant partners elsewhere. 🌷

Your conversation, even if it doesn't have a point, is a 'bid for connection' and he is denying you that connection.

Have you read about the 'bird test' for relationships?
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/nov/07/the-bird-test-does-your-relationship-pass-with-flying-colours

I think yours might fail the test!

My ex is like this and I now know that he's autistic. Your partner sounds very similar.

It doesn't actually matter why he is like this though. The point is that he is like that and is highly unlikely to change.

I wish I'd got out before having kids with him. It's destroyed my self confidence and I'm not sure if it'll ever fully recover. Get out now while you can unless you want to put up with it for the rest of your life.

I would guess he's on the spectrum.

If he has no interest in you, or your life, move on. You deserve happiness.

You don’t need a partner who doesn’t bring you joy and nourish your self esteem. It sounds like he’s starting to resent you. I think you need to cut your losses before he erodes your sense of self even more. Good luck, you’re worth more than this relationship! 💝💐

"I sometimes fill the gaps because I don’t like awkward silences".

So you live together and have been together 3 years but aren't comfortable with silence?

Without that sentence I would have thought your DP was being a bit mean but tbh constant chatter at home would drive me mad. I think it's pretty normal in long term relationships to have some quiet time. Silence shouldn't be feeling awkward.

I think if you are being told you are annoying and he can’t be bothered to listen to you that is pretty rude and suggests he does not like you. As you aren’t married and don’t have children I would forget him now and move on. If he hates people why is he with you? I would have to say though that I enjoy silence from time to time so if my husband chattered on constantly to fill the silence that would irritate me too. Maybe you are just not suited to each other.

Then for the love of god, you walk away from the relationship, acknowledge that you're the one with the problem - since they were always like this and stop trying to chip away at their confidence by trying to change them.
These people are not for you, but theres a lid for every tub.

Agree with all of this.

Ha I bet he would find your company fascinating if you hadn’t slept with him yet!

🎯
You managed to encapsulate the entire thread in 2 sentences.

"He doesn't have any friends and recently disclosed to me that he hates people"

With an attitude like that, is it any wonder he doesn't have any friends?

Sorry OP, but it appears that he doesn't like anyone at all, not even you. You are absolutely wasting your time trying to have a normal, loving relationship with this man. He is incapable of it, and he will never change.

Why are you worried that he's depressed, when he's making you depressed?!

Stop putting him first. Living with him is optional, thank god, so you can just say, "This isn't working for me" and end it. Walking on eggshells is a horrible way to live - you don't have to do that. You can choose to change your life.

Get out now. It won’t improve, he’s showing you he doesn’t care about you or your thoughts.

There’s a mean streak a mile wide in his words. Probably as a result of his insecurity but who cares why. You deserve better.

He's already in a relationship
With his own self importance!!
Wave bye bye 🙋 and don't look back.

Oh and it's not your problem to fix the people hater.

Run away. As fast as you can. Don't look back.

He is MEAN to you. Let that sink in. You are in a relationship with someone who is MEAN.

Why are you allowing that to happen? Get out of there, and spend time with people who like you and relate in a similar way to you. This is not a lifetime relationship that will leave you in a good place.

It sounds like you deserve better, OP. I know some older men who treat their wives like this and it’s awful. Better to recognise it now and find a nicer boyfriend.

I had a boyfriend years ago, who used to call and talk all about himself, then say he had to go...after a few times, I said he needed to make room time wise for me to talk too - he said that he didn't really want to, because his life was just a lot more interesting :-D.
I had a different view...

I haven't yet had time to read most of the comments so this has probably been said already - but it sounds as though he could be on the autism spectrum?

You 100% deserve better. Don’t look back on this red flag once you’re married with kids. Men like this only get worse as they get older, never better. A mean person can be nice but a nice person is never mean.

You 100% deserve better. Don’t look back on this red flag once you’re married with kids. Men like this only get worse as they get older, never better. A mean person can be nice but a nice person is never mean.

Isn’t this the very definition of loneliness being with people who make you feel all alone. There is someone out there who will love you OP and hang onto your every word. Not someone who will gradually erode all of your self esteem.

My ex did this to me...... i stupidly had kids with him and the one time i still remember. I was on maternity and had been to my moms with our daughter.
I was telling him about our day, and he turned round and said 'i left home to have my own family, not talk about yours.' I was silent as i had literally been telling him what our daughter had done at my moms. There were plenty of times before this, but like you i questioned if i was just being sensitive. Even went on to havr anither child with him...... youngest was 4 when i finally had enough. Now 11 and 12 they arent interested in spending time with him (both girls).

Whats funny though is he quite often calls and messages me now 😂😂 dickhead.

So basically dont be me...... if you keep accepting it, it will keep happening