AIBU to feel really hurt by my boyfriend saying my conversations are pointless?

[Itsnotmybirthday15]

I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, but I’ve been feeling quite down lately about how my boyfriend responds when I talk to him.

He’s started saying that I “talk too much” and that some of the things I say are “pointless.” Sometimes, after I’ve said something, just a normal observation or something I found interesting, he’ll ask, “What is the point of this conversation?” or “Why are you telling me this?”
It makes me feel like I’m annoying him, like I’m a nuisance. Like I’m a burden, honestly.

I tried explaining to him that most conversations in life don’t really have a “point” in the way he seems to mean. Like when you ask a colleague how their weekend was. it’s not going to change your life, but it’s polite, it builds relationships, and it’s just part of being a human being who connects with other people.

He doesn’t seem to get that. I don’t think I’m saying anything strange just general chit chat, sharing random thoughts, or things I saw or read. I think that's normal in a relationship? He never seemed to have an issue with what I say or how much I say when we first got together.

If I’m honest, I think I sometimes fill the gaps because I don’t like awkward silences. But really, I just want someone in my life I can talk to and share thoughts with. It’s not about constant chatter, just a bit of warmth and connection.

What makes it worse is that when he says something equally mundane, it’s fine. For example, earlier he texted me to say the neighbour was having some roof work done and it was noisy when he was trying to relax couldn’t do anything about it, but I still appreciated that he was sharing a bit about his day. I’d never say “what’s the point of that?” because it’s just normal conversation.
But when I mention something similar, he’ll often not engage, shut it down, or say something that makes me feel like I shouldn’t have spoken at all.

I've always been quiet around people I dont know and at work I tend to just keep my head down. I have some friends at work who I do chat to and speak to daily. I've even started to speak to them less in the staffroom as I feel like maybe i am annoying and people are just tolerating me.

AIBU to be really upset about this? Or am I just being too sensitive and overthinking it?

Well you said you talk to fill the gaps and avoid an awkward silence. A lot of people like silence and can be comfortable with it. I don't like surface level or excessive conversation either. It does sound like you talk too much

Even if this were true, It's still evidence that this isn't the right boyfriend for the OP. But he sounds like a horrible pig to me.

Im not saying she should be 'exposed' to anything. They've been together a while and hes starting to act differently. If she loves him then its not always a case of LTB surely?

He’s so mean. Please get rid of him. Hang out with people who like you.

I don’t think either of you is particularly “wrong” but you just don’t sound compatible.

You need to watch this.

There is also a bird analogy too, you look out the window, see some bird and say ooh there are blackbirds in the garden, it is a bid for connection and conversation. If they respond and look at the birds they are leaning into the connection.

The Gottman Institute also say they can predict with over 90% accuracy whether a relationship will fail with one of the Four Horseman, Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness or Stonewalling.

You need to watch this.

There is also a bird analogy too, you look out the window, see some bird and say ooh there are blackbirds in the garden, it is a bid for connection and conversation. If they respond and look at the birds they are leaning into the connection.

The Gottman Institute also say they can predict with over 90% accuracy whether a relationship will fail with one of the Four Horseman, Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness or Stonewalling.

Oh lovely, this isn’t a you issue. In a loving relationship you have give and take in conversation and cosy silences not awkward ones. My partner repeats stories a lot, he likes to, I’d never dream of taking issue because I love him and this is a part of him.
How on earth does he expect you to behave now he’s said this??? Hardly naturally! Why say it??? He seems really selfish, maybe the new job is turning him that way or maybe he’s always been and you’re coming to this realisation.

I've never forgotten my XH saying similar to me. I was telling him about my workmate/friend who was having a dreadful time, she'd been offloading onto me and I felt a bit emotionally overloaded and needed to talk about it. XH looked at me and said 'I don't know why you're telling me this, I don't know any of these people.'

He was preparing to leave me, actually. It was the start of some quite dreadful behaviour. Your DP sounds not only socially unaware but as though he really doesn't like you very much, OP. Mind you, if he doesn't have any friends and 'hates people', I'm very surprised you've lasted as long as you have.

He's trying to shut you up and shut you down. He doesn't want to communicate with you. I agree that he's showing contempt for you and he sounds hateful. That's the end of your relationship.

So you’ve already wasted 3 years on this person who is not in any way on your wavelength?

my husband and I have been together for over 50 years. FIFTY. We chat to each other ALL the time. I’m sure my insights about art, theatre and ballet don’t always enthrall him. And I’ll admit I don’t always follow his descriptions of his problems with his latest DIY project with sincere interest. But we communicate. We enjoy each other’s company.

you will never have a satisfying relationship with this man. I suggest you cut your losses.

I'm not sure if I'd say he is abusive, from what you've said, but you are definitely incompatible. He finds you boring you find him rude, both valid feelings. It's a bit odd that he says some 'dull' stuff, but this is apparently who he is now. You shouldn't be dreading spending time with him, and look to a future of sitting their in worry-some silence, and equally he surely doesn't want a life with someone who doesn't interest him (I'm sure you're lovely by the way).

You're not compatible, and he is quite rude, break up.

Sounds like the relationship is pointless, not your conversation!

This. How unpleasant he is. If you don't dump him this could be the start of escalating abuse to make you feel small, and make you try harder and harder to please him.

Bin him, and then ask yourself why he let you second guess your one 100% normal behaviour for a single second.

Haha quite...

He sounds bloody awful.
If you don’t end the relationship he will chip further away at your confidence till there’s nothing left.
I would be sitting mute when you go out tonight, let him make the scintillating conversation if he thinks yours is so mundane. Then dump the miserable, negging bore.

This

You’re not overreacting he’s a wanker.

He doesn’t have any friends - I wonder why! He’s being very rude to you.

If this is a recent change then it’s probably related to a change in how he feels about you/the relationship. If it’s always somewhat like this then you have different communication needs - I’m similar to your bf in that I dislike conversations without a ‘point’, but then I wouldn’t date someone that needed to talk a lot and expect them to change that - it’s rude to keep dismissing everything you say.

Please get rid.

My DM used to respond “Good, or bad, or something,” when I’d chat to her as a teenager/ it really makes you feel like shit

I don't think either of you are unreasonable, you're just different. I find it really draining to be around people who need to fill all gaps with mindless chatter and I don't think I'm alone in that. But I wouldn't choose someone as a life partner who did that.

Yes but he doesn't have to be unkind to her and he doesn't have to stay with her. The issue isn't the OP's talking, its the man's unkindness.

what you’ve described of him he sounds like a profound introvert. No noise, limited interaction.
you may or may not be introvert but you definitely like to chatter. Regardless of whether or not you fill space if there is an awkward silence, you need to find someone who is happy to chatter with you.

I have read all the comments and I really do appreciate them. I have too many emotions and I've just had a little cry reading the responses. I know most are saying leave and its in the back of my mind. We live together but it wouldn't be an issue to live separately again.

I know we are different people and at times he might want peace and quiet. I would respect that I'd he just explained and said can I have an hour to myself or whatever. I think there may be contempt there. But I do also wonder if he is depressed. With the comments he said the other week about hating people etc. I want to be there for him and support him. But he doesn't want any help.