AIBU to feel really hurt by my boyfriend saying my conversations are pointless?

[Itsnotmybirthday15]

I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, but I’ve been feeling quite down lately about how my boyfriend responds when I talk to him.

He’s started saying that I “talk too much” and that some of the things I say are “pointless.” Sometimes, after I’ve said something, just a normal observation or something I found interesting, he’ll ask, “What is the point of this conversation?” or “Why are you telling me this?”
It makes me feel like I’m annoying him, like I’m a nuisance. Like I’m a burden, honestly.

I tried explaining to him that most conversations in life don’t really have a “point” in the way he seems to mean. Like when you ask a colleague how their weekend was. it’s not going to change your life, but it’s polite, it builds relationships, and it’s just part of being a human being who connects with other people.

He doesn’t seem to get that. I don’t think I’m saying anything strange just general chit chat, sharing random thoughts, or things I saw or read. I think that's normal in a relationship? He never seemed to have an issue with what I say or how much I say when we first got together.

If I’m honest, I think I sometimes fill the gaps because I don’t like awkward silences. But really, I just want someone in my life I can talk to and share thoughts with. It’s not about constant chatter, just a bit of warmth and connection.

What makes it worse is that when he says something equally mundane, it’s fine. For example, earlier he texted me to say the neighbour was having some roof work done and it was noisy when he was trying to relax couldn’t do anything about it, but I still appreciated that he was sharing a bit about his day. I’d never say “what’s the point of that?” because it’s just normal conversation.
But when I mention something similar, he’ll often not engage, shut it down, or say something that makes me feel like I shouldn’t have spoken at all.

I've always been quiet around people I dont know and at work I tend to just keep my head down. I have some friends at work who I do chat to and speak to daily. I've even started to speak to them less in the staffroom as I feel like maybe i am annoying and people are just tolerating me.

AIBU to be really upset about this? Or am I just being too sensitive and overthinking it?

He is a dickhead!!

He's clearly a misanthrope who struggles socially and finds ordinary conversational situations a strain, especially now that he's out of practice in a job that doesn't involve interacting with other people.

I'd be ending this, OP. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life, or even another three years, with someone who's visibly irritated by your conversation, and has no compunction about showing it?

It's horrible that you're dreading a dinner out with someone who's supposed to love and respect you, in case he is annoyed or uninterested by what you say. That's no way to live.

Find someone who appreciates you as you are.

Haven't rtft but first poster has nailed it sadly. I remember reading before from a marriage counsellor that contempt is the number one indicator that a couple will divorce, once it sets in it's impossible to come back from.

Joining the chorus saying “dump him”!

I’m old and have been married twice and am in another relationship now so this comes from effectively the old crone in the corner, but this is what I’d say to my younger self.

It’s a dealbreaker to me if a man has no friends. Check as well, if he says he has friends find out when he last saw them, ask to meet them, work out if they really are friends who see each other regularly or not. And preferably not just one friend.

His comments are dumb and very rude. Not loving.

Also, don’t stay with someone you dread seeing.

I wouldn’t make a big deal of this breakup, because he’s going to make it difficult - I don’t personally think this is abusive, I just think it’s very boring and off putting, but that’s not a way to spend your life. Make a plan, remove anything really important that’s at his place before you break up with him, then tell him you don’t think it’s working out and you want to end it.

Do you live together or separately?

Don’t let him destroy your confidence.

If you realise a man holds you in contempt, get as far away from him as fast as possible, and do not engage to feed the beast any longer.

It NEVER gets better, it's the death knell I'm afraid.

You'll find a man who LOVES to hear from you and hear you chat and be yourself, and your spirit will soar again.

some weeks where he will be fine and we will laugh and joke and talk like the early days. Then out of no where this will happen. I have absolutely lost my confidence.
Could this be deliberate behaviour of his? @PermanentTemporary doesn't think so from her post. It is probably just thoughtless.
However the effect on you is the same. You are feeling diminished and reduced. It is unlikely that he will mend his ways, men seldom improve their behaviour very much.
Start rearranging your life I think. A change for the long winter evenings.

Dump him. It's all over anyway as he clearly doesn't like or respect you. Don't waste any more of your life with him.

Is he depressed? Having a job that isolates him and no social circle? If he wasnt always like this, maybe its not just him being a dickhead. I have a customer facing role and talk to people all day, everyday. Once im home, all I want is quiet. The kids talk and my DP talks and sometimes, the boring pointless stuff does make me think 'oh please be quiet'. Instead of asking us, ask him. Tell him you dont want to go to dinner tonight and explain its because he seems completely uninterested in anything you say and you dont fancy sitting in awkward silence all night anf paying for the privilege. See how he responds

He doesn't like you very much, does he. He might say he does, but you dont treat people you like, like this do you! Never mind love.
It doesn't matter if he says he loves you and will work on it - it doesn't matter why he does it, what matters is you only have one life, and you deserve to have someone who will natter with you about the cute dog you saw on the way to work, because life is to be enjoyed, in all its sometimes pointless and mundane glory!

It's not you, it's him.

He is a nasty, boring, rude and dismissive bully, who can no longer hide his contempt for you.

Reading your post trying to see why he might have a problem with your conversation is heartbreaking - IT'S NOT YOU. You are valid, and what you say is fine to talk about (with normal people...Not him).

I would honestly get rid of him. Talking is such a fundamental human thing! How dare he expect you to listen to him if he can't do the same for you. He will make you ever smaller in whatever way he can, if you remain.

I divorced the man who rolled his eyes when I spoke. And now with someone who just wants to talk and listen and laugh and spend time with me. There is a different life out there, and it absolutely can be wonderful.

I was married to someone like this. The way it slowly erodes your self confidence and self worth over time is incredibly damaging. Please bin him off.

For gid’s sake why should she expise herself to his pointless, selfish, hostility? Depression or annoyance doesn’t excuse his bad behavior.

Ive been married 30 years—together 35–my dh would never treat me with such disrespect and disinterest.

Do not marry this man. If he is saying such things now then life with him for the next 40+ years will be unbearable.

Oh OP. This has made me feel so sad for you. You deserve someone who hangs on your every word. Don’t settle for anything less.

Get rid of him. He isn't enchanting your life, he’s making you feel shit and miserable. And clipping your confidence.

Tell him it’s over, mean it, don’t allow any apologies or backtracking. Otherwise he might improve for a while and then go back to being a shit.

That was supposed to say enhancing. But I suppose enchanting works!

He just doesn’t like you much any more; I’d be the one to dump him - he’s rude and isn’t a good partner.

You're being very reasonable and he's probably not the right person for you.

Personally I find it hard to deal with people who need to comment and talk a lot. To an extent, yes it builds relationships, but my favourite people are fairly quiet and can sit in companionable silence. We're all different

Don't waste anymore of your life on a man who puts you down and makes you feel worthless. You deserve better than this.

Unless you are an absolute chatterbox (which I don't think you are from your post) then he's being pretty horrible. It sounds like as his role change he's become more isolated and that includes being isolated from you - everyone is a bother to him. I think you honestly need to think whether you want to stay with someone like that because he's not going to improve. It sounds like he's not that into you (sorry) either, could he be picking fault and saying these things because he wants to break up? (Like is he engineering an argument?) I think I would be looking to move on, he's not treating you respectfully and he doesn't sound like a decent partner.

If you live with someone then a lot of conversation doesn't have a point to it as such; I told DH about my dentist appointment this morning, we laughed (in a nice way) about the neighbour and rewatched a magpie on our ring door bell - honestly none of that had a "point" and we didn't solve world peace. It was just normal conversation and a cosy chat which many people need and value as part of normal life.

Dump the rude twat. If you can’t talk to him then basically you don’t even have a relationship.

He's also destroying your confidence and ability to communicate with others, too.

He sounds awful and so disrespectful.

My DH can be like this (although not as bad as your partner sounds) and I strongly suspect he is neurodivergent. I know that can be a bit of an overused armchair diagnosis these days but there are many, many behaviours over the years that point towards this. I pull him up on it and he always laughs and apologises so we are able to manage it in that way. If your partner is not so good-natured then I think you have to decide whether you can live like this long-term. In my experience people do not change.