DS hates my job

[DarkAutumnMornings]

I run a pub, it’s a full-time job. We live above the pub, so I appreciate it’s difficult to escape from. DP (father of our 2 kids) works outside the pub 8-4 Mon-Fri. We have a toddler and a 7 year old.

I’m with our kids from 5/6am till school run every week day. I do 100% of school runs (breakfast club twice a week).

I attend 100% of school events.

I do school pick up 99% of the time. Occasionally another Mum will pick up DS7 and drop him home for me if I’m busy.

DS7 goes to three clubs a week, I take him to all of those most of the time, again sometimes some shared lifts.

I do 5 out of 7 bedtimes on a normal week, sometimes only 4. Once toddler is in bed, I spend an hour and a half to 2 hours with DS7. Sometimes this time can be interrupted if I need to check or help out on something.

Weekends are variable, but we usually have every other weekend free to go out somewhere. No parties are missed.

I told DS7 last night I had to work an extra evening this week so DP would put him to bed 3 times this week. DP bedtimes are quick and functional. Mine are long winded (I know, but DS and I enjoy it).

DS7 was so upset with this news, he said I’m always working, he hates our house, he hates the pub. This isn’t the first time. I explained if I didn’t do this I’d have to have another job and that might stop me from doing school stuff etc. He doesn’t see the Mums that aren’t on the school run, he’s 7, he thinks everyone’s house is like Bluey’s!

I thought I had a good balance, he doesn’t.

YABU - DS7 is right, this lifestyle is rubbish
YANBU - you have lots of time with your kids, DS doesn’t understand adult life.

If there is a tendency to be interrupted, I can see how that might be stressful. We have this a bit with DH. He and I both wfh, but I am better at demarcation. He does things like come out for dinner and then go back to work without telling us he needed to work late. The problem isn’t that he needs to work, it’s the change in expectations from relaxed family evening to him disappearing.

I would talk to your son and ask him to work through the good and bad parts of your job from his perspective. There may be some tiny changes you can make that will make his experience better that make absolutely no difference to you.

I think children just hate when you can’t play with them exactly on their terms. My DS also hates my job. I do all school drop offs and pick ups and largely work around him. He got up really early this morning like 6:30 instead of 7:45 and I was working. He had a meltdown about it and hating my work. I’m sure in the moment he did but we talked about it and came to a conclusion. Sometimes it feels like it is designed to fuel mum guilt but that’s our reaction to their emotions. They don’t know the consequences really just that they feel sad in the moment. Don’t overthink it. Any job you do will always be wrong at some time or other.

So is having a parents away on active duty ‘normal’? What about a police officer working odd shifts? Night workers?

What the hell is ‘normal’?

I think the main issue here is your partner is not making bedtime fun on his nights

You're doing a grand job. You don't need to justify yourself to a 7 YO.

You are making your child live with people who drink ALCOHOL, OP! These people will be wild and amoral. How terrible of you. And also…The alcohol fumes from downstairs will creep upstairs into your child’s bedroom and into their lungs and do them no end of physical and mental damage. You need to leave the pub and pack in that job - NOW!

I was brought up in pubs and hated it. So much time spent upstairs in the flat alone. My siblings and I knew not to complain though.

Sounds .ike your dpneeds to make bedtimes more fun and pull his weight more

OP I have exactly the same bedtime disagreement with my DH. It means I always do bedtime too. I think a PP nailed it when they said your DS doesn’t hate your job really, he just loves your bedtime routine. I see this too in my own kids. Please don’t beat yourself up, you’re doing great.

And fwiw your work and home set-up sounds pretty great imo xx

When my 7 year old moans that I’m always at work (I’m not and like you I don’t miss a damn thing) I point out that he seems to quite enjoy spending the money. That usually shuts him up 😂

My sister ran a pub with her partner while her kids were growing up. They both never had any time to spend with their children. Working most evenings, nights and weekends in the pub and then having to do all the shopping, accounts, event planning and general catching up when the pub was shut. It's very hard work running a pub. Any spare time they managed to grab together they were knackered.
They left the pub trade about the same time the youngest left school - it was obvious for those around them to see this was not an ideal family situation. I never asked what the kids thought about it.
Now my sister is retired all the kids have left home and I know she has big regrets about missing so much of their childhood.

When my kids were small,I was a self employed 'tradie' ,earning a pretty good hourly rate as a single mum. Totally absent father from when they were 1&3yrs,no maintenance ,no childcare ,nothing .
I was run ragged but made it all work,providing absolutely everything for them ,obviously doing all the school runs,playing with them, bedtimes,turning up in my messy work clothes to school plays,parents eves etc etc. Spinning so many plates ,but I thought I was doing ok with it all.

Until my eldest at 7yrs ,said "Why don't you have a normal job like other mums ,something much better than what you do now ?!"
I snuck off and quietly wept!

He was just too little to understand .....but is super proud of me now though 😂

Ha! So true 😂 Particularly with my older child. The younger one not so much but OMG the shit I get if I miss a bedtime…..

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yup.

My daughter, at that age said to me "why can't you stay at home like other mums and then you could ... insert demand here.

I repeated this comment to another mum, who said, it may cheer you up to know that my child said "why can't you go to work like other mums so that we can afford ... insert demand here

That's just kids 😁

It's a way of life job like farming ehich I grew up in. I hated it but it's what my parents did so yough.

It sounds to me like you are doing an amazing job and being an amazing present parent x

I work in a school. My son had a bit of a breakdown over me not being able to attend a parents curriculum meeting at the start of the year, never mind that we'd just had six weeks off together!
I know he wouldn't rather do holiday clubs and have me go to a meeting all about the maths scheme they follow, but in the moment that's what mattered to him!

So I get it OP. But you're still doing what seems to work well for your family so don't beat yourself up.

OP, I work a job that has allowed me to do every school run, every last minute parent invite, every play etc etc. it also earned us enough to live more than comfortably. it allowed my husband to work a job with reasonable hours and much less commute- meaning he is also home every night by 5-6pm….
I work when they’re asleep. My health suffers but I do it for the greater good of our family, and I do love my job so really what more could we want well it turns out, when you’re a kid? Plenty more and still complaints.

honestly? You’ll never get it right/perfect and they won’t really ever get it until they’re older. I used to say “if I worked in an office you’d have to do before/after school care and I couldn’t make <insert whatever random parent invite to school was this week>. But they’ve never had to live it so they just can’t relate.

you gotta let it roll off your back. We’re all just out here trying to survive and do our best. Sounds like you’re doing a great job.

I rarely take anything from Gen Z, but you are in dire need of touching some grass

edit: sorry, I can’t read sarcasm 😭

I’m probably old enough to be your mum, OP.
My mum was a stay at home mum.
Bed time was “go to bed.”
I don’t ever remember any stories or any books.
There was no stereo or music, even though my Nana was a music teacher.
My older sister was a better mum to me, although she never signed up for the job.
Everything with my mum was centered around school - do good in school, get good grades - over & over & over & over every single day of my life during my school life.
I actually made myself sick over getting good grades.
And I got excellent grades - but I forgot everything because I made myself sick.
Mum and I were very close - but it was a dependent close.
Your son is too little - and that’s okay, truly it is. Just keep on being the good mum that you are.
When he’s older he’ll understand - and he’ll love you for this. I promise. ❤️

Neither of you are unreasonable he's just too little to understand. My son went through phases of hating my job as a teacher when he was very young as sometimes things needed completed in the evening. I always just explained it to him as yes that might be annoying but he would be alot more annoyed if he had to go to holiday club every school holidays. Theres benefits and disadvantages to all work patterns

You have the job you have. It provides for him and you’re doing brilliantly.

A few of DP’s relatives run pubs and honestly, I secretly wish I could leave my job to go work with them. They’re all very tight knit, get along great, are very connected to the local community… their kids love it and they also live above the pub in really good accommodation.

Your children will eventually grow to appreciate you.

Kids hate it when their favoured parents (in this case you) can’t be with them - they love you, and would have you with them all the time until the minute they want to discard you because their friend/tv programme/ipad/xbox game is more interesting. Try not to put too much emphasis on it. Kids don’t recognise the drudge jobs when they’re kids. They only notice the ‘fun’ stuff, but as they get older, they realise the drudge stuff was the actual glue, and the fun stuff was the lovely fluff on top. You’re doing a brilliant job, although it does sound like your dh could step up a bit more? Are you over compensating because you feel guilty?

The things I moaned the most about as a child are now some of my fondest memories!!

Kids need love, attention and a sense of community. It sounds like your DS has all the things he needs to thrive.