DS hates my job

[DarkAutumnMornings]

I run a pub, it’s a full-time job. We live above the pub, so I appreciate it’s difficult to escape from. DP (father of our 2 kids) works outside the pub 8-4 Mon-Fri. We have a toddler and a 7 year old.

I’m with our kids from 5/6am till school run every week day. I do 100% of school runs (breakfast club twice a week).

I attend 100% of school events.

I do school pick up 99% of the time. Occasionally another Mum will pick up DS7 and drop him home for me if I’m busy.

DS7 goes to three clubs a week, I take him to all of those most of the time, again sometimes some shared lifts.

I do 5 out of 7 bedtimes on a normal week, sometimes only 4. Once toddler is in bed, I spend an hour and a half to 2 hours with DS7. Sometimes this time can be interrupted if I need to check or help out on something.

Weekends are variable, but we usually have every other weekend free to go out somewhere. No parties are missed.

I told DS7 last night I had to work an extra evening this week so DP would put him to bed 3 times this week. DP bedtimes are quick and functional. Mine are long winded (I know, but DS and I enjoy it).

DS7 was so upset with this news, he said I’m always working, he hates our house, he hates the pub. This isn’t the first time. I explained if I didn’t do this I’d have to have another job and that might stop me from doing school stuff etc. He doesn’t see the Mums that aren’t on the school run, he’s 7, he thinks everyone’s house is like Bluey’s!

I thought I had a good balance, he doesn’t.

YABU - DS7 is right, this lifestyle is rubbish
YANBU - you have lots of time with your kids, DS doesn’t understand adult life.

"I advise that you do not bite and I can assure you "not a cool dad", that you should also keep your rage to yourself. Better still, get some help for it."

Wow, you are really spoiling for a fight, aren't you?

I've done 9-5 in an office with zero flexibility, 24 hour shifts (sleeping on site in the middle) twice a week and exclusively work from home across my career and both my kids (26 and 12) have complained about all of them. Kids are, by definition, selfish, manipulative little shits who think the world revolves around them. This is especially true for their mums - it's our job to introduce reality.

Don't beat yourself up OP - sounds like you're doing a great job. Just wait till they're both tweens/teens: DS12 would barely notice if I buggered off to Australia for a month these days (as long as food/snacks/clean tracksuits magically appeared).

@@ThatSpryShaker
I advise that you do not bite and I can assure you "not a cool dad", that you should also keep your rage to yourself. Better still, get some help for it.*

😆 🤣 😂
What on earth are you going on about?

Are you a bit dim and not realise 'bite' is a figure of speech meaning that someone will respond to a comment that should be ignored.
I don't go round snapping at people!! 😆
That is the funniest, maddest reply ive ever had!

Yes exactly.
Can you imagine changing your job/ career based on the whims of a child.
Dont like me working Monday to Friday 9-5. No bother , I'll do shift work. Now you don't like the shift work, I'll change again.
Don't like me being a teacher, fine I'll just pop back to university and do a different degree.
You wish you had a parent who was a train driver? No worries, I'll go and do that. It's laughable really.

I'd say the person who told me I want rage is the one wanting a fight.

You then went on to tell me I want your rage. I get that sort of interaction might be normal for you as a "dad" or whatever, but that kind of machismo is generally frowned upon in more civilised society. You been drinking in this pub of the OP's?

Thank you! I’m reassured that 7 year olds are hard to please and that a lot of important jobs in our communities would never get done if we bowed to their every demand 😉 I knew this really, but sometimes when Mum guilt hits we need reminding!

FWIW, I had an office-based job before the pub and before children. I worked way over my hours because it was very focused on the final product and you could always do more. If I was still doing that now I’d have deadlines to meet, regardless of bedtimes, and lots of travelling abroad. Nothing is perfect.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable but I have managed a pub and lived above it and understand how much it is a lifestyle and not a job. There is little true downtime and I expect that irs probably a difficult life for a child sometimes. I don't say that to make you feel bad or anything, just that from my experience it really is all consuming very often.

My DD lived in my workplace. We were fine. Pros/cons, always but 7 is too young to get the nuance.

Get him a copy of Richard Scarry's What Do People Do All Day? Might open a good conversation.

I'd take it from your DD who would be better placed to speak of the pros and cons.

Thank you!

Children are inherently selfish. Of course he hates anything that has a claim on your time as he assumes that he would otherwise get that time himself.

you can’t run your life according to a seven year ‘s view of the world. You are doing a great job, continue to parent not pander.

You then went on to tell me I want your rage. I get that sort of interaction might be normal for you as a "dad" or whatever, but that kind of machismo is generally frowned upon in more civilised society. You been drinking in this pub of the OP's?
Seriously, is English not your first language and you don't get figures of speech and nuances?

Ah, bless, Do you always take things literal and assume things? Do you assume poster names reflect real life. Maybe you do and then you would realise that indeed, im 'not a cool dad', in fact im not a dad at all!

And no, I haven't been drinking. I've not had a drink since my birthday last March.
Your posts are now amusing me but im afraid it's hijacking the Ops post which is not on.

We have talked about it very frequently. She's no fool and realises it was the best option in the circumstances. Still misses the place we lived in and appreciates what my job enabled. No regrets.

I knew this really, but sometimes when Mum guilt hits we need reminding!
I remember mum guilt all to well but im past that now my children are adults. I remember stressing if in case I had to work Christmas day, thankfully I didnt and did NYE instead but the stress leading up to the rotas going out was real! Dh used to tell me not to worry and we would have Christmas either before I went to work or when I came back but thankfully I didnt do a Christmas shift until the youngest was 19.

Dont forget Op, you are providing your child with a home, you show up to events, you do the school run, you are doing great!
Keep on ,keeping on!

thanks @notacooldad its fine 😂 it reminds me that I consider myself to have had a lovely childhood, I think I’m pretty well adjusted and my parents achieved this despite not living in the town where the rest of my friends lived, not letting me have the dog I wanted, and probably not giving in to many other demands I made.

It also reminds me of my Mum’s career advice (in the 90s!) that I could be a teacher or a secretary! We all take our own path in life…

No I'm just a woman who recognises toxic masculinity and unchecked anger when she sees it. That sort of thing gets us killed, see, I as soon as we see it in a man 🚩🚩🚩🚩.

Good luck with your journey. Please don't turn your "rage" on anyone along the way. Even if youve now just turned into a woman or whatever. Still goes..keep that rage in.

No I'm just a woman who recognises toxic masculinity and unchecked anger when she sees it. That sort of thing gets us killed, see, I as soon as we see it in a man 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Well you need to go to Specsavers then! 😆

No I really don't think so at all.

Is there a touch of weaponised incompetence to DP's bedtimes? He needs to raise his game a bit. Find a really good book for DP to read to DS at bedtime that can become their thing. The Grimwood series by Nadia Shireen are perfect for that age and genuinely very very funny.

He won’t, but thank you for the suggestion. He’s dyslexic, I don’t think I’ve ever heard him read anything out loud.

Sorry DS, there are not job vacancies for power rangers or super heroes right now so we will have to stick to the pub!

OP you sound like a good mum trying her best, giving your son a good life. He could do far worse. Your life sounds balanced enough.
Ignore his whinging. A child can't dictate your life and career. 'that's nice dear' is a good response.

They could listen to an audiobook together. The Grimwood ones are read by Adam Buxton and are absolutely fab.

I know you've had lots of good advice but the nub of your DS's complaint is that DP's bedtimes are shit and yours are lovely. Children know when someone is making an effort and when they can't be arsed. This could be a very easy fix. Reading is only one solution and there are plenty of other ways he could show up a bit more for his child at bedtime.

Yes you’re probably right. I’ll try to suggest something. I think DP is probably mirroring his own childhood, he’s from a large family, I suspect bedtimes were short and functional.