DS hates my job

[DarkAutumnMornings]

I run a pub, it’s a full-time job. We live above the pub, so I appreciate it’s difficult to escape from. DP (father of our 2 kids) works outside the pub 8-4 Mon-Fri. We have a toddler and a 7 year old.

I’m with our kids from 5/6am till school run every week day. I do 100% of school runs (breakfast club twice a week).

I attend 100% of school events.

I do school pick up 99% of the time. Occasionally another Mum will pick up DS7 and drop him home for me if I’m busy.

DS7 goes to three clubs a week, I take him to all of those most of the time, again sometimes some shared lifts.

I do 5 out of 7 bedtimes on a normal week, sometimes only 4. Once toddler is in bed, I spend an hour and a half to 2 hours with DS7. Sometimes this time can be interrupted if I need to check or help out on something.

Weekends are variable, but we usually have every other weekend free to go out somewhere. No parties are missed.

I told DS7 last night I had to work an extra evening this week so DP would put him to bed 3 times this week. DP bedtimes are quick and functional. Mine are long winded (I know, but DS and I enjoy it).

DS7 was so upset with this news, he said I’m always working, he hates our house, he hates the pub. This isn’t the first time. I explained if I didn’t do this I’d have to have another job and that might stop me from doing school stuff etc. He doesn’t see the Mums that aren’t on the school run, he’s 7, he thinks everyone’s house is like Bluey’s!

I thought I had a good balance, he doesn’t.

YABU - DS7 is right, this lifestyle is rubbish
YANBU - you have lots of time with your kids, DS doesn’t understand adult life.

I can’t vote there because I think you’re both NBU.

One thing that comes to my mind is to be careful on how you word things.
If each time you can’t do something with your ds you tell him ‘i have to go to the pub/work’ then ofc his conclusion is that the pub is the issue.

Instead, id have a chat with him about how disappointed he is that you’re not doing bed time. And it’s ok to be disappointed.
id have a chat to your DP to ensure he is at least doing a story before bed (it’s be good both for him and your ds anyway)
And then stop using the pub as an excuse/a reason why things have to happen in a certain way. You can just tell him that ‘daddy will put you to bed tonight’. No warning 3 days ahead if it was a big issue. I’m pretty sure your ds isn’t counting the number of times his dad puts him to bed (unlike you?). If he asks why, just explain that you and dad are a team. Both mum and dad put their children in bed. That’s normal. That’s what a family is like.
You don’t need an excuse to not be putting your child to bed yourself (even if it reflects the fact you need that the ‘excuse’ to convince your DP to be a parent and do bedtime??)

If you had a different job he's be disappointed that you couldn't pick him up from school. I have an office job and you see your child more than I see mine. I can normally pick up once a week, this week I can't do that, and they are sad when it's not me dropping them off.
However its fine, they have to understand we are earning a living and have to go to work. Not everything in life is perfect and the way we want it. My dad worked away 70% of the time when I was a child, I didn't like it. Now as an adult I can see he was doing it to provide for us, it made him sad that it made us sad I'm sure, but he was just doing his best. Your son will know looking back you did your best.

I’m with him actually. It sounds absolutely shit.

You are working hard and doing your best, OP.

That said, my two younger brothers lived in a pub after I moved out and my parent's lives took a turn. They hated it so much, for years. One of my brothers told me that he never felt as though his house was a real home, and how much he hated the feeling that people were always around.

Some kids might love it, but I've seen how sad my brothers were in that situation, and how powerless they were to change anything.

I'm sorry - that doesn't help, but I feel that your DS is really communicating something profound to you.

why?! Many jobs wouldn’t be able to attend all events, do pick ups and bed times

Ridiculous. You're picturing a rough city centre boozer no doubt.

Plenty of women raising families in gorgeous pubs, with homes attached far beyond what they could afford without the job attached.

Most live in pubs with multiple bedrooms are not city centre, there are heaps of country pubs with this set up, it's more common there in fact.

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable. What does your DP do from a parenting perspective?

You are doing fine and are pretty present

He's 7 though, he's not unreasonable, it's that he has a tiny frame of ref and it's all about him.

Humour him, be firm, don't apologise and crack on

In what way?

I think lots of children hate their parents' jobs, whatever they are. My parents were teachers and we lived at the school and I felt like they always prioritised other children over us (it was their job, so.... ) I used to watch Eastenders and wished they ran a pub. Seriously. Now I'm a writer, and my DCs complain that I'm always writing. You sound like you've got a really good balance - but your DS poss won't recognise that until he's older.

Wow the judgment from @ThatSpryShaker is palpable. Yes it's a very specific lifestyle. And?? No need to bang on about it, it's what it is and as long as OP and her husband are doing the best they can for their children that all that matters. People like you will always judge of course, but judgment is very easy to give. Empathy not so much.

OP, your son is probably expressing regret you won't be there at bed time and I would try and see this as a good thing. He loves you being there at bedtime, he misses you and want to spend time with you. That's great evidence that he loves you and wants the most time he can get with you. All very normal. Your DH doing bedtime is also an opportunity for dad and son to do things together (even if what they do is different to how you would do things). They also need to bond and have time for their own relationship away from mom. All of this is very normal and I would see this as an opportunity that you are giving your son and his dad the time to do things together without you. Every child needs to have a relationship with both parents.

And try and ignore the judgment, it's not helping you in any way, it's not adding anything constructive or helpful to your life. You are doing the best for your child, remember that.

Your short commute is perfect.
You could say we'll mummyjane has to travel one hour to her work. I am so lucky my work is here and I have free time Saturday let s go to xxxx your choice .

What sounds shit - having a mum that works and still does the school run and the majority of bedtimes? A mum that takes you to and from all your activities and puts you to bed most nights?

Or maybe it’s having a mum that’s around everyday for breakfast, or that works somewhere you can have your friends to play that sounds shit?

Honestly 🙄

I used to wfh around school so I was there for dd1 lots, but once a year I had a week where I ran in person sessions so dh did the school runs. Dd, age 7, told me “mummy, when you leave and go to work it feels like you don’t love me!” I must admit, in my head I was a bit wtf?! But it was her perception so we chatted through the balance we had and benefits. She didn’t mention it again but I did remind her a while ago and laughed about it (she’s 17 now).

What is this bullshit? My parents ran a hotel and bar and it taught me an incredible amount of skills, working with the public, customer care, confidence - not to mention catering and serving drinks! Also poker.

Most jobs are a fucking nightmare these days - OP don't beat yourself up.

At least be considerate that someone who doesn't have a choice in the matter doesnt like it. Even if some people enjoy the benefits

Yes it is a very specific lifestyle so some individuals might not enjoy it or thrive in it. Bear that in mind when said individuals also have no choice in the matter or they're likely to resent you.

Thanks for the solidarity! There is huge Mum guilt at every turn, for most of us I expect. Having reached 6 years of age as an only child, I’m very careful not to say we can’t do something because of his younger sibling, unless it’s a good opportunity to learn sharing or empathy type skills. But you’re right, I also shouldn’t blame things on work, it’s just shared parenting, and that’s ok.

I don’t think we’ll do this forever, particularly with two children to run around to clubs, parties etc. but there are a lot of benefits as well as negatives, like any job. Leaving the pub would be a big shock to all of us, it is a way of life. And I would be right up for running Scouts, joining the PTA, school governors, whatever, when I have more time!

I never made a point of telling ds's who would be putting them to bed and for how many nights each week. Perhaps this approach is making it a 'thing'.
Your dc seems to have in his head that dad is the 'booby' prize. That's where I think changes should be made.

What on earth might a normal life be? There are parents on here who work shifts, families where GP do childcare, people scrabbling through the days to do the best they possibly can. Parents in the middle of ghastly divorces.
DD had a friend with a perfect mother, wonderful after school treats and always there at drop off and pick up.
Her friend's family imploded in a very serious way involving prison. Another of her friend's mother died when friend and DD were 9. We all want the best we can for for our children but they have to grow up in the world as it is and know that we love them.

Ridiculous comment. What 7 year old has an actual choice in the parents' lifestyle? Are you certain your lifestyle is the right one for your children? You seem to know a lot about OP's son and are very sure he will resent her. Are you projecting?

Stop doing everything you have a partner so share the load
If kids moan that dad is putting them to bed let them moan but carry on with Dad doing his nights
You work additional day and the kids moan let them but carry on

Good grief. Exactly how is this life 'shit'? Or are you Bluey (never seen it, wouldn't know).

I’d hate to live above a pub. Sounds grim.

And I have zero idea what Bluey is

I think you may have misread my post? I said that I hadn't enjoyed pub life and could see why others might find it difficult, but I am not sure what the OP can immediately do about it.