DS hates my job

[DarkAutumnMornings]

I run a pub, it’s a full-time job. We live above the pub, so I appreciate it’s difficult to escape from. DP (father of our 2 kids) works outside the pub 8-4 Mon-Fri. We have a toddler and a 7 year old.

I’m with our kids from 5/6am till school run every week day. I do 100% of school runs (breakfast club twice a week).

I attend 100% of school events.

I do school pick up 99% of the time. Occasionally another Mum will pick up DS7 and drop him home for me if I’m busy.

DS7 goes to three clubs a week, I take him to all of those most of the time, again sometimes some shared lifts.

I do 5 out of 7 bedtimes on a normal week, sometimes only 4. Once toddler is in bed, I spend an hour and a half to 2 hours with DS7. Sometimes this time can be interrupted if I need to check or help out on something.

Weekends are variable, but we usually have every other weekend free to go out somewhere. No parties are missed.

I told DS7 last night I had to work an extra evening this week so DP would put him to bed 3 times this week. DP bedtimes are quick and functional. Mine are long winded (I know, but DS and I enjoy it).

DS7 was so upset with this news, he said I’m always working, he hates our house, he hates the pub. This isn’t the first time. I explained if I didn’t do this I’d have to have another job and that might stop me from doing school stuff etc. He doesn’t see the Mums that aren’t on the school run, he’s 7, he thinks everyone’s house is like Bluey’s!

I thought I had a good balance, he doesn’t.

YABU - DS7 is right, this lifestyle is rubbish
YANBU - you have lots of time with your kids, DS doesn’t understand adult life.

I've just re-read your OP and your description of the hours of paid work (which also provides the family home) and parenting that you currently do.

I think you need a full re-evaluation of how you split the parenting load, tbh. You both work full time but you appear to be doing:

100% of school runs, AM and PM
Three extra curricular clubs
5/7 bedtimes
EOW
AND you still feel guilty?

I think that's very significantly more than 50% of the parenting. He needs to step up.

I know you said about Dh not reading but what about them snuggling up and watching a programme together in bed.
We didnt have tv n the kids bedroom and me and Dh dont have one in ours ( only because of the layout of the room) but I have recently bought a projector from tik tok shop ( you can get them from all over) and the image hoes on to the wall. Your Dh and ds coukd watch a YouTube kids programme or similar instead of a story together.

The projector goes a then way, this is of course if ds doesn't have a tv in his room.

I honestly think its not your job he hates but its the long drawn out bedtime with you he loves and he is guilting you because he knows dads bed times are functional.

You're just fucking arguing with people for the sake of it now aren't you? You've ruined this thread

Id say the people who feel they have to attack and swear at other posters for feeling differently or having a different perspective are the ones spoiling things. Its shame that the ability to emotionally regulate when challenged isn't a more common trait around here.

So rageful and angry. It's dangerous.

Yep, I do about 95% of the parenting. All the clothes washing, bathing (unless toddler has a poo emergency), sick days, breakfast, lunches, admin, parents evening, homework, play dates, parties, holiday care. He’s done tea tonight for the kids, he’s stayed home once with sick child when I’d already agreed to other family commitments, and once when I was sick too. I know it’s not ideal, but I can manage.

I’m sorry OP, but what the fuck does he do with himself outside of his 8-4 working hours?!

It’s quite considerably less than ideal. It’s a pisstake. You shouldn’t have to ‘manage’. You should be able to live in a genuine partnership. You deserve better and so do your children.

He gets up at 7.30 to go to work. He comes home around 4.30 shattered. If there’s a job he needs to do in the pub he’ll do it whilst still in his work clothes. Has a coffee. Sits in the living room with us whilst the kids have tea, dozing. He has the kids for half an hour or so before little one goes to bed. Once little one is in bed, and I’m free to deal with anything, he has a bath for an hour. Says goodnight to DS7, then supervises the pub in the evening if I fall asleep on the sofa. He does his own washing on the weekend.

Kids see things purely from kid world.

My DS once complained about my job, because he hated after school club.

Fair enough DS, but on the other hand look at all the other times I’m there, the lovely holidays and trips you get to go on and love. AS club is a tiny part of the day, plus it means your reading and homework are all done so you can totally chill when you get home.

I’m not going to push this any further. I think this is where the issue lies, not in what your DS thinks of your job. I hope you are able to find a way forward.

🙄🙄🙄

he wanted his mum to put him to bed, she was working. It doesn't matter what her job is.
the other poster was right you are ruining this thread with your nonsense.

You mean posting on it and not agreeing with you? Do you always accuse people of ruining things unless they bow down to your opinions?

So really your husband has one job, fathering duties, and then helps you with your job running the pub....

Yes, he’s a wonderful man. He just likes bedtime to be done quickly.

Best we stop feeding it I think!

He’s just moaning because he wanted you to do bedtime so he’s blaming the reason you can’t … he’ll get over it when he grows up a bit and can understand.

It's totally normal for kids to push back on things that don't suit them.
I think you have a child, a lifestyle, a job and you are reasonable to consider from time to time if it suits you and your children. But I don't think one outburst when he's been disappointed is really a reason to doubt your whole life

Easier said than done when you need to earn a living.

I remember when my kids were this age there was status among the kids for not having to go to daycare, or school after care, and having a SAHM.I had to lecture one child when he told me that his best friend's mother didn't love his best friend because she made him buy his lunch at school and didn't make him.one.
When I went to school it was the reverse. So there may be a status issue here as well. But don't worry. That will change as they get older. Imagine how cool it will be for a teenager to say he lives above a pub!
I am a working mother too.

He is seven. He does not understand how life works yet. I would gently try explaining to him that to live you have to work and that this takes time and means you need to spend time away from him. It is however the same living that puts food on the table and means he gets to do the things he enjoys. It is never too early to try and give him this lesson, but yes it is hard for most women and we will most have had this type of thing.

I've worked 9-5s and my Dd often told me she didn't like me working. 7 is too young to understand that any job (unless it's within school hours, which isn't easy to find and is usually lower pay) will take you away from him sometimes. It sounds like you have a really good work life balance, not many working parents can do all school runs and activities.

My DD hates my office job too, where I wfh a lot and go to every single event. She hates me seeing friends, reading, watching what I want on telly. She hates anything I do where she’s not at the centre! It’s normal!

Love this. When my youngest was 7 he wanted a "real dad in America" who he could video call like the girl in waffle the wonder dog.

I knew a manager in South Wales who grew up in a pub. She was energetic, confident, capable and didn't seem remotely badly affected by her upbringing -- rather the opposite.

When I was very young, I used to cry and cling to my mother's skirts when she was setting off for work. Two minutes later and I'd forget all about it. The mistake there was probably ritualizing the goodbye process. If I hadn't been taken downstairs to say bye-bye, I wouldn't have got worked up. Also, I think on some very odd level I may have sensed that I was expected to cry and be upset, and was fulfilling my filial duty by doing so.

In short, don't feel bad about working – you're doing a great job, and one day your son will admire that.

Re: your partner and bedtime. There are more resources out there now for parents with dyslexia who want to tell bedtime stories to their kids. You could maybe ask at your local library for advice/suggestions? e.g. using an e-reader with settings (contrast, colours, font, text size) that work well for your partner.

Quite a few men who are non-readers and value their tough, I'm-too-male-for-fiction personas seem to respond a lot to Danny, Champion of the World by Roald Dahl. Your son would be about the right age for it.

(I know I'm overextending my own experience, but my late and much missed Dad told wonderful stories -- bedtime was exactly that cliché magical ritual that librarians are always trying to brainwash you into believing in.)

I had similar but because I was never there for school stuff, never did drop off or pick up because I work 8-4 every day.

Kids know how to play on the mum guilt.

Unfortunately if he wants you at school stuff and wants to do his clubs, you need to work. As awful as it sounds kids need to understand that it is a trade off.

We have a slightly similar situation where we live where we work, but not a pub. In some ways it's very convenient but other times not so much. The dc have mixed views about it. I often talk to the dc that as parents we have to make choices and there are advantages and disadvantages. Like if you were a sahm you would have a bit more time with him but there would be a lot less money for nice things. We have a lot of time with our dc but we are short of money so days out and activities have to be saved up for. Meanwhile we know a family whose parents work lots of hours so kids are in full time childcare but they go on multiple holidays a year, including disneyland.