DS hates my job

[DarkAutumnMornings]

I run a pub, it’s a full-time job. We live above the pub, so I appreciate it’s difficult to escape from. DP (father of our 2 kids) works outside the pub 8-4 Mon-Fri. We have a toddler and a 7 year old.

I’m with our kids from 5/6am till school run every week day. I do 100% of school runs (breakfast club twice a week).

I attend 100% of school events.

I do school pick up 99% of the time. Occasionally another Mum will pick up DS7 and drop him home for me if I’m busy.

DS7 goes to three clubs a week, I take him to all of those most of the time, again sometimes some shared lifts.

I do 5 out of 7 bedtimes on a normal week, sometimes only 4. Once toddler is in bed, I spend an hour and a half to 2 hours with DS7. Sometimes this time can be interrupted if I need to check or help out on something.

Weekends are variable, but we usually have every other weekend free to go out somewhere. No parties are missed.

I told DS7 last night I had to work an extra evening this week so DP would put him to bed 3 times this week. DP bedtimes are quick and functional. Mine are long winded (I know, but DS and I enjoy it).

DS7 was so upset with this news, he said I’m always working, he hates our house, he hates the pub. This isn’t the first time. I explained if I didn’t do this I’d have to have another job and that might stop me from doing school stuff etc. He doesn’t see the Mums that aren’t on the school run, he’s 7, he thinks everyone’s house is like Bluey’s!

I thought I had a good balance, he doesn’t.

YABU - DS7 is right, this lifestyle is rubbish
YANBU - you have lots of time with your kids, DS doesn’t understand adult life.

There's some pretty outrageous comments on here. Not a normal life? In whose opinion? I don't think it's healthy for kids to live above a pub? How fucking judgemental!
What I'm seeing is a hardworking mum giving a good example to her kids and making the mistake of (a) listening to them and (b) listening to anyone else.
Obviously your kid doesn't see the working parents that are never home and hardly see their family because you can't spot them. His world revolves around him. Ignore his complaints because there's always going to be something. When he's little it's always going to be I want more of you and when he's older it's always going to be the opposite.
Stop worrying and carry on working hard to give your family the best life in any way you want.
Sod everyone else, it's a village pub. A community hub. Something to be proud of. Not prostituion, an illegal drinking club, gambling den or anything else dodgy.

@Hellovation

its not all about what’s good for you family, it’s about what’s good for you too. When do you get time to relax? To exercise? To have couple time? You matter too!

I actually lived in a pub as a child at a similar age to your DS and we too hated it, so much so that our parents gave it up. Within a few years we were begging them to do it again as we loved the idea by then 😂 I think it sounds like you’ve got a great balance of work/parenting and I would definitely not give it up. Before you know it DS will probably be loving it and eventually he will understand how much it has allowed you to be present for. Hang in there it sounds like you’re doing great!

@DarkAutumnMornings he is 7 not 17!
Very harsh .

It's not so much about where you live, or what you do, it's about how you parent.

And you are parenting brilliantly. You are present for your son, mentally, physically and emotionally, centring him in a healthy way, involved in his life, and providing a buffer between him and what could be negative effects of where you live and what you do.

You have a very lucky little boy there. His experience could be so different from what it is. Of course, part of his good fortune, is not knowing how different it could be, and how lucky he is!

He's 7, he doesn't understand, and he's not being unreasonable because he's 7 and doesn't understand!
I'd have been exactly the same at his age. I pretty much had my mum at my beck and call all the time, and the extremely rare occasion that she went out on an evening without me, or went to stay with her parents for a night or two, I was most annoyed.

Could it be that there's something about the pub that he finds worrisome when you're not there? The noise? The hustle and bustle of people outside coming and going?

And do what? Be less available by doing a 9-5 job which by the time you add on commuting will mean he will see her less.

Or maybe retail or other hospitality work which again he can kiss goodbye to any weekends being free and pick ups and drop offs will be less.

I would be asking DS what specifically he doesn’t like about your work
Then either fix it if you can or explain the reality if you got another job and how it wouldn’t be this utopia he thinks. Even get wraparound care for a couple of weeks and show him the reality of what he is asking for.

I would say (knew someone with dc around your DS’s age who runs a pub) that it is you being always available to fix issues or answer pub related questions, even if it is only once or twice per week.
To dc they don’t know if they are going to get an uninterrupted time with you.
Friend for a while rented a small house near by so that there was a distinct border between work and home.

No need to explain. He 7 yr okd child.
This is how it is. End of.
Parents decide .
When he is 18 he can decide where to live etc

When I was 7, I was desperate to live in a Children's home 😳

I can confirm what a pp said, that if you didn’t work he’d ask why you don’t work like “the other mummies”, and insinuate that he’d be able to have a pony (or other expensive hobby) if you did have a job 😂. I hated going to a childminder for an hour after school as a child, and my mum worked in a school so she couldn’t have had child-friendlier hours! Don’t stress too much.

PS. Ignore the people saying a pub is not suitable for a child to grow up in. Loads of kids do. My gran grew up in a pub and has fond memories of it.

I doubt they are sitting in the bar every night!

It is a home, if they move on they have no home.

Not everyone can live the same way as you and plenty of children are brought up living in pub accommodation without any issues.

Your comment is designed to make OP feel bad. She has absolutely no reason to feel bad about her living situation. She is able to spend a lot more time with her family than most working parents and she is providing for her family. Please take your judgement elsewhere.

My Gran did as well. Her sister went on to make a good life for her family running a pub as well.

My daughter used to love books without words. For example the You Choose books.

It might help your DH and DS bond at bed time without the pressure for your DH.

We own a pub and live above it with our two dc in a beautiful small village. We did it because we’d have a better quality of life for them and it’s a sought after village with good schools etc. Before my dc wouldn’t see my DH all day, only an hour every morning before going to work and my job needed me away for days on end…it didn’t work with two young children. We have run pubs before btw so wasn’t done on a whim. This set up now works really well and we’re providing a future for them too.

Op you sound like you have got it bang on, you’re being there for your children and working. We all get parent guilt but honestly if they feel safe and loved then that’s all that matters.

some of these comments about it not fit for children is so narrow minded. You don’t have customers in your living quarters! It also very much depends on what kind of pub it is, a weekend late night drinking pub wouldn’t work with children imo but it sounds like a similar place to ours.

You're doing great OP! Children love to make us feel guilty. Take care x

I’m in my sixties but when I read your problem it resonated with me. From the age of 3 I grew up in the business’s my parents owned. I was 4 when they bought a newsagent. My DF was up every morning at 5am to do the newspapers he would work through until 7pm when we closed. He had a break around midday for a couple of hours when my Mum took over but he would never hire staff. Sundays he worked until lunchtime.
i had a DB 4 years younger than me and from the age of 5 I was expected to entertain him when mum worked. She she did most of the school runs unless it was very bad weather when Dad ran us to school. What I remember was Sunday afternoons every week when dad closed the shop we got in the car and either went out for a car ride, visited other family (who all had businesses themselves) or a picnic somewhere. Our parents focused on us two the whole afternoon. Saturdays as we got a bit older I had to take my DB to Saturday morning cinema, we also did a club each. Once every couple of months my parents shut the shop and took me up to London on the train , shopping and sometimes theatre or museum.
From the age of 8 I was made to earn my 6d pocket money, I vividly recall sitting on the floor behind the counter carefully weighing up the dolly mixtures, cola cubes etc and bagging them all up to sell every day. I did this after school every afternoon to earn my pocket money to spend once a week on chocolate, the only time I was allowed sweets! We moved when I was I2 to a hotel (33 beds) and I was then expected to earn my pocket money by helping clean the rooms with Dad during the school holidays and wash up every day in the evening after everyone had eaten as in those days people invariably had bed, breakfast and dinner in the hotels.
I also got a Saturday job in a hair salon making tea and shampooing.
We usually had a holiday for two weeks once a year when my dad would hire professionals in to mind the business. To be honest neither me nor my DB ever felt hard done by. My parents were always “at home” and accessible as are you! We probably were more spoilt Christmas and birthdays as we sold toys so always had the latest in thing. . I always knew Sunday afternoons were our family time as were our days out in London. I felt secure and happy to occupy myself and brother when they were busy and remember there were no computers iPads etc it was books, corgi cars and crayons and paper. Personally I truly think your son will look back on his childhood as fun and happy as long as you and your DH regularly spend ‘family’ time with him and holidays etc. plus remember time goes so quickly if you give up your business you will probably regret it in 5 years time and by then he’ll be off your hands and doing his own thing. I live in a village now very near a pub and understand completely where you are coming from, it’s nothing like a town or city pub. Please don’t beat yourself up, it’s much harder these days than years ago but you can have it all and do it all, you just have to pace yourself and give yourself an afternoon on a regular basis that your son knows is his time with you.

I do- more so than it probably sounds like I could, I can’t say my job as it’s ridiculously outing! But I adore it so I get a tonne of job satisfaction to boot.

nothings perfect, and for sure couple time is probably the bit that suffers most but we are also at the stage of parenting where they ensure that happens regardless so- our time will come!