DS hates my job

[DarkAutumnMornings]

I run a pub, it’s a full-time job. We live above the pub, so I appreciate it’s difficult to escape from. DP (father of our 2 kids) works outside the pub 8-4 Mon-Fri. We have a toddler and a 7 year old.

I’m with our kids from 5/6am till school run every week day. I do 100% of school runs (breakfast club twice a week).

I attend 100% of school events.

I do school pick up 99% of the time. Occasionally another Mum will pick up DS7 and drop him home for me if I’m busy.

DS7 goes to three clubs a week, I take him to all of those most of the time, again sometimes some shared lifts.

I do 5 out of 7 bedtimes on a normal week, sometimes only 4. Once toddler is in bed, I spend an hour and a half to 2 hours with DS7. Sometimes this time can be interrupted if I need to check or help out on something.

Weekends are variable, but we usually have every other weekend free to go out somewhere. No parties are missed.

I told DS7 last night I had to work an extra evening this week so DP would put him to bed 3 times this week. DP bedtimes are quick and functional. Mine are long winded (I know, but DS and I enjoy it).

DS7 was so upset with this news, he said I’m always working, he hates our house, he hates the pub. This isn’t the first time. I explained if I didn’t do this I’d have to have another job and that might stop me from doing school stuff etc. He doesn’t see the Mums that aren’t on the school run, he’s 7, he thinks everyone’s house is like Bluey’s!

I thought I had a good balance, he doesn’t.

YABU - DS7 is right, this lifestyle is rubbish
YANBU - you have lots of time with your kids, DS doesn’t understand adult life.

FIW lots of jobs aren't ideal. I had an office based job when my kids were little. I had to drop them at breakfast club at 8am and didn't get them back until 5.30pm. They both hated it but I wasn't going to take careers advice from two small children when it was my job that was keeping a roof over our head. I then spent all weekend driving them around to different clubs which I hated.
People saying to just move on, it's nowhere near as simple as that and OP is fortunate enough to support her family.

Depends on your parents I suppose. At the very least, you're listening to the comings and goings of a pub every single day and night of your life.

There's taking your turn washing up, and then there is milking cows at 5am.

Why is it condescending to say that living above your mother's workplace is a very particular lifestyle choice like military living?

This is pretty normal OP. My kids at that age hated that DH worked and was away a lot. I remember my DS complaining -‘but he has to go every day!!’ He felt the same about school, though 🤣

They do adjust once they understand that you have to work to pay for their house and their toys. Living above a pub may also seem ‘different’ compared to his school friends, though, who have complete privacy and less noise in the evenings (am guessing thur-sat may be busy).

Perhaps some loop dream ear plugs so he’s less aware of it on those nights?

You sound like a great mum and have the support of your DH. Try not to take it personally. If it wasn’t work/living above the pub it would be wanting a puppy like his BFF or something similar!

Oh i certainly do not disapprove of alcohol 😂

Rubbish

...and in this situation it's irrelevant. She could equally be a Doctor having to do an additional shift.

@DarkAutumnMornings he's 7. They're unappreciative little sods 🤣. They just have no comprehension of the ball juggling & sacrifices made etc. They just want what they want.

In this instance he wants you to put him to bed because it's more fun/takes longer. His Dad is more functional. He'll get over it. Maybe you can talk to DH & see if there's something he can do to make his bedtimes something DS looks forward to as well.

But he's 7. He kicked off, don't let it get to you. Kids take their parents/good life for granted, it's not until they're MUCH older they appreciate how good they had it.

(40's on hearing how other kids grew up!)

Do doctors often have their patients at home until up to 11pm at night?

He’ll be thanking you when he’s 16 and all his friends think it’s a cool place to be .. you can’t take a change of lifestyle advice from a 7 year old, bless him. Just make up an extra treat for him for being ‘grown up’ about the slight routine change. You sound like a wonderful mum to me.

Is this really related to work? Couldn’t you do less at bedtime and DH do more so it is balanced or teach your son that different people do different things. Also share bedtimes more whether you are working or not. Maybe think about something that DH does with your son that you don’t so your son can see the difference.

I think this is very normal for children to feel like this. I recently increased my hours which now means just one day a week I can't do pick up and they have to do it after school clubs. That's the only change and I’m there from school pick up to bed the other 4 days. Both of mine were upset about this change - particularly my oldest (a bit older than your son). I think to a child, one day or an extra evening can seem so much more than it does to us. Your son obviously really enjoys the time you spend together and the way you ‘do’ bedtimes and so will understandably feel disappointed when it doesn't happen. But while his disappointment is proportional to him and his childlike wants and needs, on an adult level, I’d say you have a good work-life balance and not to beat yourself up about it. I'd just acknowledge his feelings so he feels heard but don't let it cause self-doubt to creep in. You've got a good balance and you know that if it wasn't this job taking up your time, it would be another.

Tell your DH to get back into his box. Dh’s idea of bedtime was a kiss, “goodnight, sleep tight” and out. Mine had a much longer routine of kisses, cuddles and giggles. He did attempt to hurry me up at some point but learnt the error of said attempt.

DD survived us both with no loss of love or respect.

For those of you imagining what pub life is like, if we had a noisy pub full of drunk customers throwing up and wrecking havoc every night we could probably afford a manager and a separate house 😉 It’s really nothing like that!

When he comes home from school, if there’s no customers in the Bar, he’s allowed to get himself a lime and soda. Otherwise he goes straight upstairs, kicks his shoes off, watches TV etc. He’s very unaware of comings and goings. He’s not in the Bar past 5pm unless it’s a special village event, unlike customers children. Yes we walk back in after clubs, if we should see anyone he’s always greeted politely, much like if you had a shared driveway/entrance/close neighbour etc. At worst, he’s helped me take tea and biscuits to the Morris dancers on a Sunday morning or done some hoovering to earn extra pocket money.

In 7 years he’s been woken once by a loud cheer during a darts match, and maybe once or twice ever we’ve closed his window during the summer because of noise from customers outside.

Mum guilt.

Tell him you wish you could do bedtime every day but ‘need to work to pay the bills - but at least i get to do tomorrow hey?’
I do, age appropriately, tell dc how much things cost and I am so pleased to be able to get paid to work to buy nice things for them. Also that they will
do the same sort of thing when they are grown up.

It's more akin to living above the corner shop (which I also did, aged 4-7).

Yes, you do have the noise and bustle fairly constantly, but you could say that about living in a terraced house that have commercial shops around. It did impact on my sleep - my school reports explicitly mention that I was very tired far too much of the time.

Also, Mum and Dad were down in the bar which meant I could read after lights out, or I could sneak out of bed and watch unsuitable TV. And when we had live acts play, I could listen to them too!

The only times I was scared was when some guy got thrown head first through the front doors, and I was first on the scene, and he was pissing blood everywhere. Oh, and when I went to go in our private bathroom, and some guy hadn't noticed the sign on the door saying that it was private, and was stretched out starkers in our bath.

The main downsides that are possible if you're a kid in a pub, is that your parents get caught up in the business, and don't prioritise, or they forget to make time and focus for parenting. Which it sounds like OP isn't doing.

He was just lashing out because he wasn’t getting what he wanted. It’s natural, he’s too young to understand. You’re taking too seriously. But maybe identify another child he knows whose mother does far less than you do with the child, so he has something for comparison.

It's not your job he hates, it's the difference between you making him feel special at bedtime and dp just tucking him in and walking away.

YANBU OP but as he’s 7 he doesn’t understand the balance with home/school/work.

Get "how to talk so kids will listen and listen..."
Use some of tge techniques
Just listen acknowledge and talk about what yould he like to do on your next free time..does he want to choose cinema or bowling? Walk or swimming? Give him something else to think about

So many people being unfairly down on pub landlords here! As a kid, I had quite a few friends who grew up above/behind pubs (rural life for you), and I don't think it did them any harm. No different to growing up above the shop, on the farm, at the vets, in a B&B, etc. Lots of people's job is tied to their home in some way.

OP, DH told me last night that DS (nearly 6) asked him why DH was doing so many bedtimes. He's done one this week and two last week while I had work/social commitments. I get "so and so's mummy doesn't work and picks them up every day" quite a lot. I remember saying to my DM, who worked in a pub in the evenings, "you're never here!" She dropped us off and collected us every day from school! She couldn't have been more present.

Kids are wonderfully and necessarily selfish about this stuff. Your kids will learn a lot about the world from where they are growing up. No one has it perfect, but I think you're doing a good job.

People live all sorts of different lives and as long as children are cared for, it's fine. It sounds like your son lives at the centre of a lovely community.

People live all sorts of different lives and in every single one a seven year old will find something to complain about! He's learning he can't have you all to himself, and he should be learning that because you belong to yourself as well as him.

What does your dp do when he gets home from work?

A pub is not a good environment for children to be brought up in. Time to move on now your DS has noticed.

And why not?
Its a village pub, not a rough town centre one thats always getting raided!
I had a school.friend whose mum and dad had the Red Lion in our village when I was growing up. No issues at all. Incidentally, I used to be jealous as her living space and bedroom was massive!

I have always worked shifts and ds didn't like that.
Kids will always complain about something. Op is being consistent and available, I cant see a problem with running a pub with a family.

I think you might have a bit of a dh problem. If he loved his time with dad, he wouldn’t mind you not being there, because he would be getting attention from his other parent. The pub might be a bit of a red herring.

This is in no way intended to be critical but DH and I used to be involved in running a pub which wasn't ours, we did it as a favour to the landlord. Living in a pub is a very unusual life and we didn't enjoy it even though we only did it for brief periods. I can see why people of any age would find it difficult but don't know what you can do about it.