DS hates my job

[DarkAutumnMornings]

I run a pub, it’s a full-time job. We live above the pub, so I appreciate it’s difficult to escape from. DP (father of our 2 kids) works outside the pub 8-4 Mon-Fri. We have a toddler and a 7 year old.

I’m with our kids from 5/6am till school run every week day. I do 100% of school runs (breakfast club twice a week).

I attend 100% of school events.

I do school pick up 99% of the time. Occasionally another Mum will pick up DS7 and drop him home for me if I’m busy.

DS7 goes to three clubs a week, I take him to all of those most of the time, again sometimes some shared lifts.

I do 5 out of 7 bedtimes on a normal week, sometimes only 4. Once toddler is in bed, I spend an hour and a half to 2 hours with DS7. Sometimes this time can be interrupted if I need to check or help out on something.

Weekends are variable, but we usually have every other weekend free to go out somewhere. No parties are missed.

I told DS7 last night I had to work an extra evening this week so DP would put him to bed 3 times this week. DP bedtimes are quick and functional. Mine are long winded (I know, but DS and I enjoy it).

DS7 was so upset with this news, he said I’m always working, he hates our house, he hates the pub. This isn’t the first time. I explained if I didn’t do this I’d have to have another job and that might stop me from doing school stuff etc. He doesn’t see the Mums that aren’t on the school run, he’s 7, he thinks everyone’s house is like Bluey’s!

I thought I had a good balance, he doesn’t.

YABU - DS7 is right, this lifestyle is rubbish
YANBU - you have lots of time with your kids, DS doesn’t understand adult life.

I grew up in my dad’s business and dealing with customers politely from a young age. By the time I was 10, I was competent in my mum’s work. I was served by a ten year old butcher, an eight year old newsagent and five year old farmers. Friends were competent at a lot in a Chinese restaurant at a young age. And then there was the ladies boutique, the furniture shop, the petrol station and mechanic - all of which were family businesses. Staff were often in school uniform.

We all learnt, we all knew where the roof over our head came from and none of us are damaged. And, once upon a time, every pub was a family home. Preciousness is a new phenomenon.

Is he not just venting over bedtime change

Kids get upset when things change. Could you chat to his dad about tweaking bedtime even just letting dc listen to an audiobook

As I said I grew up on a farm and Mr Monkey above a pub. What we tend to have in common is a strong work ethic, independence and an understanding that the world does not revolve around us.

There are worse things in life than understanding at an early age what it takes to keep the family financially afloat and fed.

He's SEVEN. He believes in Father Christmas. He has zero concept of adult life, nor should he need to. He's tired after school and disappointed he isn't going to have a fun bedtime..thats all.

Again, and?

Do the pub customers come upstairs and sit with the boy in his sitting room or bedroom?

Zero issues here.

Some people need to learn that everyone needs to pull their weight.

All 7 year olds dislike change and want their mum to themselves.

mine kicked up stink when I changed jobs and they had to do wrap around some days.

he’s not unreasonable - they’re all like that. But you can’t change your life to accommodate him.

What does your DH do, as a comparable list to the one you provided of your child related interaction? If he did a nicer bedtime perhaps DS won’t be so upset. What happens on the weeeknds that you work? Is your DH hands on or are those weekends rubbish for your kids?

Kids just love having their parents around (particularly the ones who do a lot with them!), DS never asked me why I didn't have a job when i was a SAHM, he absolutely loved it and I hated it when my mum sometimes had to help out in the family business. It's sad now IMO that there's often no choice but to have both parents working.

Your DS probably just doesn't appreciate how much worse things could be though, a lovely village pub doesn't sound like such a bad place to grow up and I know a few very lovely people who grew up in the same circumstances. This is probably just about routine change for him and knowing that your bedtime routine is a million times better than his dads. I really think his dad needs to up his game and make some effort tbh. He sounds a bit shit. It won't be such a blow then when you need to step in at work.

I think you’re probably overthinking this a bit. He’s a kid, of course he doesn’t get the ins and outs of life and working, and he was annoyed/upset at the change of plans for bedtime, I don’t think it’s much deeper than that really. I grew up on a farm and my husband is the son of a agricultural contractor, who now owns his own contracting business, if you want to know about long hours and missing bloody everything, contracting is the way to look! My son gets a bit upset sometimes that daddy isn’t home or has to miss whatever it is but it just is the way it is. He’ll understand more as he gets older (and can kick around with dad more!)

How cobdescending. OP is a hardworking mum who deservs respect from everyone, including posters here and son.

@DarkAutumnMornings my sons were/are happy that I'm a sahm and plead with me to never work. But...my friend, sahm as well, said her son told her he was embarrassed of her for not working like the other mums. So you see, you can't win. So you do what you have to do to take care of your family financially and emotionally and if they are not happy tell them that they will be less happy if you have no money to buy them food, clothes and treats.

Then I’d suggest he gets a bloody grip of himself if having a hard working mum who attended his school events is a problem.

When I was 7 I wanted us to move into a caravan and join a travelling carnival because it was something I'd seen on TV and I thought it looked cool. The point is 7 year olds don't have the first clue about family economics and these decisions.

That said I wonder if you and his dad need to work out a more consistent bedtime wind down routine so there is less of a difference between the two of you.

You’re viewing it with an adult head. He’s viewing it with a child’s head. He doesn’t like it. You can’t change his feelings.

There was a very old edition of Wife Swap I watched recently where the woman ran a pub and her DH did something else. The children were miserable, their home was above the pub and noisy. The mum said they were lucky to always have her on hand. The new wife made a rule that the husband had to do the pub in the evening and the mum and DC would eat dinner upstairs (they usually ate in the pub every day) and then sit and relax with them before bed. They were so much happier, to the extent the mum was thinking of giving it up. One of the DC hated the constant noise and people being in his home.

Your child doesn’t have the full picture, you don’t need to feel guilty, you are doing your best and have a decent balance. It’s hard though

There’s a whole lot of underlying alcohol disapproval on this thread.

I'm shocked the comments here that would definitely not be made if OP was a dad. OP, you are doing a great job. Your son can moan all he likes, but he'd probably moan if you didn't work or you did worked 9-5 office job and barely saw your kids.

My nan ran a pub when my mum was a child, my mum absolutely the lifestyle. Her complaints were similar to your sons.
But honestly, parents have jobs, this is yours. All kids hate their parents working no matter what the job. Because work takes away your time. We have to work. I work full time office hours and its just as bad in a different way.
My argument to the kids is that either we work and have a home and a car and money to do nice things and food. Or we don't and struggle and have nothing.
My mum dur to her own childhood decided to be a sahm. She regrets not having a career , she got depressed and also I think now she should have worked as it would have been good for all of us.

I think you're overthinking this (and some PPs are being dramatic - emotional blackmail?? Come on). This is classic parent preference, and I'd be putting pressure on DP to introduce something nice/fun at bedtime that only they do.

With regard to the specifics of the pub, well only you know whether it is affecting him or not... my priority would be making sure he's never scared, so that would involve no excessive noise when he's trying to sleep, no drunk/smoking patrons outside the door when he's trying to come and go (do you have a separate entrance?), and no witnessing the aftermath of any messy nights (broken glass, cigarette ends, vomit etc). If none of those things are an issue then I don't see what the problem is with you going downstairs to lock some doors when he's already asleep - don't we all do that, i.e. in our own houses.

This has brought back memories of waitressing at 7 as we were short staffed and fully booked, and being left in charge of the bar because Dad had gashed his hand, and Mum needed to take him to the hospital! Very different times.

As with everything, being a 'pub brat' has its ups and downs. As the owners and managers, you are always 'on', and that's just the cold hard reality for everyone involved. You are obviously working hard, OP, to make sure your child has sufficient of your time and attention, and the impact of living above the shop, so to speak, is minimised.

As a child, at bed time, they're tired and frustrated. They also know what buttons to push. Their understanding of what and why parents do what they do is often limited beyond the perception of how it impacts upon what they want, at that very moment.

You are clearly doing the best you can.
Your partner, not so much.
Would it kill him to spend a little time with his child at bedtime?

Just Wow at this response. He’s seven!

Thank you all for your considered replies, they are much appreciated to offer perspective. I think you’re right about it being parent preference /bedtime issue. DH and I fundamentally disagree about bedtime (he thinks I take too long) so I do as many as I can. Yes, there is a big difference and I try and pop up and see DS even when I’m working to make up the difference.