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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this be embarrassing in your family?

212 replies

Lorecan · 14/10/2025 23:06

I know it’s only trivial but it’s hit a nerve.

So my family finds everything embarrassing. As a result I’m rarely able to say anything meaningful or share a soppy toast ona birthday for example. I think it comes from Dh who finds any expression of emotion saccharine. DC have followed suit.

Yesterday we watched Baby Boom (in memory of Diane Keaton who is a fav of mine) and I really enjoyed it. As the credits rolled I raised my mug and said “RIP Diane”.

Apparently I was being embarrassing! I’m hardly a soppy git and quite low key myself but it would be nice to occasionally be a bit more emotional

anyone else have families like this?

OP posts:
CautiousLurker01 · 15/10/2025 08:28

FreeTheOakTree · 15/10/2025 08:10

I couldn't agree more with this.

I really dislike those who project their lack of emotional connection onto others - dismissing them as cringe and performative.

I would far more prefer to be in the company of someone like OP, over folk who mock others for things like OP's little tribute.

It is indeed no wonder we have a serious mental health crisis when piss taking cringing, and being embarrassed is the default to another's display of emotion.

In any case OP, you have bigger issues than your mug toast. Your home isn't one I could be happy in, personally. I would absolutely hate having to sit on how I felt all the time, edit any little show of emotion - no matter how overly sentimental. I couldn't live like that.

Show quote history

Yes, this. It is generally accepted that I will cry at a cornflakes advert. My husband will ‘aww, so sweet’ whilst smothering a laugh, and the kids may giggle and suggest we don’t put Alien Earth on tonight as it won’t pass the mummy censor. But it’s good humoured and clearly from a place of love. My friends would laugh good naturedly too.

I feel bad for OP as this environment does not sound healthy. Everyone should feel safe in their own homes - and that includes feel safe enough to be an emotional plonker without negative judgement.

SoManyDandelions · 15/10/2025 08:41

I'm not at all emotionally repressed. Openly cry if I need to, tell my family how much I love them etc.

But I would have cringed a bit at your toast! It is something my FIL would do, and does have a performative element - which is why I would have cringed. FIL loves toasts and speeches and having everyone's attention on him. I am the opposite.

However, I wouldn't really class an 'RIP celebrity' toast as emotional expression. How do your family respond if you are genuinely upset about something - if a pet died, or a family member? Would they be embarrassed by your grief, or supportive @Lorecan?

TheNinjaWife · 15/10/2025 08:42

Illbethereinaminute · 15/10/2025 07:56

I'm puzzled as to how it can be performative unless you stood up, banged on your glass to announce a toast and then spent an age wailing about her.

You were watching a film which has someone who has recently died and it was a part of the discussion pre film. At the end was a natural time to start talking, I imagine you already had a drink in your hand so it just seemed like a nice thing to do.

I could imagine myself doing it too especially when it feels like the end of an era.

I thought exactly the same!
OP - Don’t lose your personality because you have to think that the smallest comment may be perceived cringy!

Jamesblonde2 · 15/10/2025 09:04

It might have given your DH the ick 😆

vivainsomnia · 15/10/2025 09:20

I used to find my mum embarrassingly performative when I was younger. I really dislike it.

I then become one myself and embarrassed my kids!

All good now. I make extra efforts to show no such behaviour with my eldest and my youngest takes me as I am and isn't bothered any longer. I'm really not that bad at all. My mum was much worse and still is (she likes hugging trees and make her show of it how she can feel its energy) 😁

winkywanky · 15/10/2025 09:30

OP there is absolutely nothing wrong in raising a glass/mug to someone who has passed away who you respected/liked and saying RIP. I've done the same in the past and I'm not ashamed of it. I don't understand why it's cringe and embarrassing to acknowledge someone who has passed away?

pollyglot · 15/10/2025 09:57

My family is tightly buttoned, but I think it was a lovely thing to say to remember her.

Alittlefrustrated · 15/10/2025 10:28

LadyLolaRuben · 14/10/2025 23:28

It was a nice acknowledgement. It was at home in private, more thinking out loud. Dont give it a second thought

This. Nothing cringe about it. Don't let them stop you from expressing yourself OP.

ciderwithjosie · 15/10/2025 11:36

Who are these weirdos saying that is cringe? Perfectly fine in a private space.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 15/10/2025 11:39

I find it really weird that people find this cringey 😮. If a celebrity has died and me and my dp admired them and they were on tv we would raise a glass to them also (if we had drink in our hands) we're hardy, tough Scots btw😂

Original poster
Lorecan · 15/10/2025 14:59

The fact that some have said a simple toast was performative is crazy to me. Especially as I was 100% sincere. I’m not the attention seeking type. I said it knowing I would get the inevitable eye rolling.

I think the “omg my family would take the piss out of you for decades 🤪” is far cringier. Grow up.

OP posts:
Hysterectomynext · 15/10/2025 15:26

SunnySideDeepDown · 15/10/2025 03:16

How often do you raise a glass for people? I’m assuming hardly ever. You also didn’t know Diane. Those things combined probably made your family feel embarrassed. It’s a pretty random thing to do.

As a previous poster said, just acknowledging she was a brilliant actor and it’s a shame she’s passed would be normal. Raising a glass is odd.

Show quote history

I really can’t understand this repression at all. And not being able to be yourself in front of your family. For fear of being mocked and humiliated. It’s really sad to me. What if you want to dance? Or sing and you don’t have a good voice? Would you be tormented and teased for ever more? Isn’t this embarrassment the actual problem here? Not being able to accept something so harmless and emotional without making it all about their feelings.

CurlewKate · 15/10/2025 16:00

It’s not the toast for me. It’s who you’re toasting.

ChristmasFluff · 15/10/2025 16:11

Mumsnet: raising a glass to a dead celeb in the privacy of your own home is over-the-top, performative and cringy.

Also Mumsnet: People posting saccharine eulogies to their dead family members on FB every birthday, Christmas and death day - as though FB is a hotline to the afterlife - is nothing more than the done-thing, is not performative in the slightest, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a heartless arsehole.

OPs are generally on a hiding to nothing, whatever they post in AIBU, on most subjects.

SpikeGilesSandwich · 15/10/2025 16:44

Sounds a weird thing to do if you were sober. Perfectly acceptable if you were pissed, for some reason.
The British are a strange bunch!

Gruffporcupine · 15/10/2025 17:08

I'm from a family that don't do emotions but I don't think this is cringe!

ZBFan · 15/10/2025 17:19

ChristmasFluff · 15/10/2025 16:11

Mumsnet: raising a glass to a dead celeb in the privacy of your own home is over-the-top, performative and cringy.

Also Mumsnet: People posting saccharine eulogies to their dead family members on FB every birthday, Christmas and death day - as though FB is a hotline to the afterlife - is nothing more than the done-thing, is not performative in the slightest, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a heartless arsehole.

OPs are generally on a hiding to nothing, whatever they post in AIBU, on most subjects.

No, I find OPs actions performative AND the happy heavenly birthday type posters are just attention seeking. ‘Happy heavenly birthday nan, you would have been 147 today. Miss you’….lol. Attention seeking twats. They’re usually the ones to post photos of themselves at hospital without explanation. After hours of people posting ‘hope you’re ok hun’ and ‘let me know if I can do anything’, it turns out they went a job interview or were visiting a neighbour, but they enjoyed the attention. 🙄

mismomary · 15/10/2025 17:36

I think nothing wrong with what you did at all! Keep showing emotion, who cares!

FallingIntoAutumn · 15/10/2025 17:42

As someone who grew up in a family where you mustn’t make a show of yourself.
wish I could! I wish I could dance, and express anything. Instead I sit there feeling awkward not knowing how to deal or be with anything!! I look like an absolute killjoy at a gig

it’s not healthy to feel that embarrassed by you doing that.

realsavagelike · 15/10/2025 18:05

I would totally do something like this. Far from being pre planned and performative it would have happened spontaneously. I am awkward as hell though.

limescale · 15/10/2025 18:14

It would be fine in my family, OP.
I’d give my sons a ticking off if they mocked or belittled me for expressing an emotion when a favourite actor passed away.

Sagaciously · 15/10/2025 18:29

I would have cringed massively at ‘RIP Diane’.

I also loathe mawkish grief tourists though - the type that lay a cheap bouquet of flowers at a site where someone died, or lived, just to gawp.

Goldenbear · 15/10/2025 18:38

Sagaciously · 15/10/2025 18:29

I would have cringed massively at ‘RIP Diane’.

I also loathe mawkish grief tourists though - the type that lay a cheap bouquet of flowers at a site where someone died, or lived, just to gawp.

How are "grief tourists" comparable to being uninhibited in your own home. It's a bit self obsessed to think people's choices are always about you and for the benefit of you.

Worriedalltheday · 15/10/2025 19:01

Sorry but that is embarrassing. As someone else said it’s performative and that is cringey.
can you maybe give other examples of what your family find embarrassing?

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 15/10/2025 19:04

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 14/10/2025 23:08

I felt embarrassed reading that but I'm an emotionally repressed, heartless monster.

Me too. I have a black, cynical heart.