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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this be embarrassing in your family?

212 replies

Lorecan · 14/10/2025 23:06

I know it’s only trivial but it’s hit a nerve.

So my family finds everything embarrassing. As a result I’m rarely able to say anything meaningful or share a soppy toast ona birthday for example. I think it comes from Dh who finds any expression of emotion saccharine. DC have followed suit.

Yesterday we watched Baby Boom (in memory of Diane Keaton who is a fav of mine) and I really enjoyed it. As the credits rolled I raised my mug and said “RIP Diane”.

Apparently I was being embarrassing! I’m hardly a soppy git and quite low key myself but it would be nice to occasionally be a bit more emotional

anyone else have families like this?

OP posts:
SunnySideDeepDown · 15/10/2025 03:16

Lorecan · 14/10/2025 23:43

I was sat on the sofa in the semi dark and said 4 words. I can’t believe anyone would think I was being performative. Sentimental, sure. But why is that a bad thing? DK was one of the few celebs that meant something to me. She gave me hours of enjoyment.

How often do you raise a glass for people? I’m assuming hardly ever. You also didn’t know Diane. Those things combined probably made your family feel embarrassed. It’s a pretty random thing to do.

As a previous poster said, just acknowledging she was a brilliant actor and it’s a shame she’s passed would be normal. Raising a glass is odd.

justbecauseyoucandoesntmeanyoushouldx · 15/10/2025 03:17

I wouldn't do it myself, but don't see what's wrong with what you did personally.

I'm also confused about why they found it embarrassing? Assuming it was just you and your kids/oh there? It's not like you were showing them up in front of their friends

CocoaLife · 15/10/2025 03:18

People are miserable, you’re hardly screaming at the Sistine chapel.

Silverbirchleaf · 15/10/2025 03:23

I thought your comment was quite sweet.

RitaIncognita · 15/10/2025 03:26

Clonakilla · 15/10/2025 02:15

Something can’t be simultaneously performative and sincere. Thats the whole point.

You made a modest gesture, you meant it, there’s no reason for people to be cringing.

I agree. "Performative" has a connotation of being insincere. I don't think the OP was insincere at all. Her gesture would have been perfectly appropriate and understood in my family. But then again, we had a family get together to commemorate Jimmy Buffett, served hamburgers in Paradise with margaritas and played his songs throughout the evening.

OP's gesture was a small ceremony of remembrance. I think these types of ceremonies enrich lives, and we should do more of them. However, I should probably point out that I am American, and not British. That may make a difference.

Thephantom · 15/10/2025 03:34

If you said "Rest in Peace Diane" , I wouldn't have found that embarrassing. If you said "RIP" then I would have found that a embarrassing. Lifting your mug is a bit performative, and is a bit embarrassing esp. if you were with people who don't know you too well. If you were with family, they shouldn't be overly judgemental I don't think, because as family we embrace each others quirks and all. I'm sure your family must have various quirks that you choose to ignore because you love them. That said, what I do find bloody cringy and embarrassing are those who write posts on Facebook to their dead mum/dad/ grandparents telling them how much they miss them etc and reminding the dead loved one how long it has been since they've died. Like wtf, that is very performative because they are doing that for comments/likes/lovehearts or that emoticon cuddling a heart. Surely they know that their deceased loved one doesn't have access to Facebook, or are they are silly enough to actually think that FB is some sort of spiritual medium 🙄. And some of these people have a full life with lots of family,friends and busy lives and yet they find time to post a message to their dead loved one on FB.

Glitchymn1 · 15/10/2025 04:17

dontcomeatme · 14/10/2025 23:14

I think it's because you come across as "performative".
You could have said "aw it's such a shame she died I love her as an actress". That's not cringey or embarrassing.
But to raise your glass to the dead and say RIP is performative behaviour, that's what's embarrassing them x

Well this is next level. You can be embarrassed in your own home. You can’t do what you want in the home you’ve paid for in case it embarrasses the kids. 😂
Do your family hang on to your every word Op? I don’t think it’s cringey at all- what you do in your own home is quite frankly your business.

Some people can’t show emotion- I think it’s quite sad, but be dammed if my kids will rule my roost!

Zanatdy · 15/10/2025 04:59

It’s hardly crime of the century, they do sound an unemotional bunch.

Clara27 · 15/10/2025 05:02

I see nothing wrong with what you did. For anyone that does, it’s obviously about them, not you iykwim.

I think your husband needs to learn manners and respect. As a parent it’s not ok to pass this controlling and judgmental behaviour to his kids.

Bringemout · 15/10/2025 05:13

You are infront of your own family, if you can’t comfortably be yourself there where can you be yourself. I find this thread a bit sad tbh. I would hope DH would never feel embarrassed at home in front of me and DD for just saying something.

I would hate to have to self monitor in front of my own Dh and DC like that, I’d find it a bit soul destroying.

verycloakanddaggers · 15/10/2025 05:21

DappledThings · 14/10/2025 23:19

It's the jarring mix of the public gesture in a private space that makes it cringy. A toast to someone is a little ritual of public performance. It's for a group of people in at least a semi-formal setting.

Someone doing that on their sofa in front of just their family would make me laugh.

Show quote history

Sorry this is nonsense. Raising a glass happens in private homes all the time.

Turtlebed · 15/10/2025 05:24

I'd have thought that was quite sweet

plyplaypro · 15/10/2025 05:31

What I find bizarre is that anyone in your family had a reaction at all - it’s such a non-thing, in this house no one would have even noticed.

how can you be made to feel bad or embarrassed by that? It’s crazy! I would feel totally stifled in that environment: that’s more of the issue, isn’t it? You can’t be you?

but honestly, this is their problem. And yes, RIP DK! raises a row of mugs

Hibernating80 · 15/10/2025 05:36

Absolutely fine, don't doubt yourself. Your DH lacks emotional intelligence.

GarlicPound · 15/10/2025 05:43

CharlotteFlax · 14/10/2025 23:16

YANBU! Jesus Christ guys, not cringey at all, just a nice little nod to DK!

Same here! I am an unsentimental, default sarcastic cow who never cries, for what it's worth. I think it was a nicely-judged nod to Keaton's memory. It's not as if you threw yourself to the floor in a wailing paroxysm of grief, for Christ's sake.

Your husband sounds like a miserable, repressive git. I'm cutting your kids some slack because they will adopt the dominant model, which is obviously their cold-blooded father's. I feel sorry for them; this will cause them problems in life.

I feel sorrier for you, though.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 15/10/2025 05:46

Not cringe at all to raise a glass.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 15/10/2025 05:49

LaughingAloudAsWeGoInsane · 15/10/2025 00:27

I would cringe because it feels performative as others have said. When I heard Diane Keaton had died, I asked my partner if he had seen that she had. We both talked about the films we’d seen her in and said it was sad. I can’t imagine waiting til the end of a film to raise a glass and say ‘RIP Diane’. It’s performative and seemed as if you planned it. I’m quite an emotional person but I hate attention seeking, performative grief, grief vultures etc.

This is risible. The op is hardly a grief vulture. Dramatic much?

GarlicPound · 15/10/2025 06:02

dontcomeatme · 14/10/2025 23:14

I think it's because you come across as "performative".
You could have said "aw it's such a shame she died I love her as an actress". That's not cringey or embarrassing.
But to raise your glass to the dead and say RIP is performative behaviour, that's what's embarrassing them x

OMG, this is hilarious! Nicely done 😂

"aw it's such a shame she died I love her as an actress" ... so much less emotional than OP's excessively demonstrative two-word toast.

There you go, @Lorecan, you just need to say "Aww" a lot while expressing intimate feelings for dead celebrities, and no-one will think you're trying to perform inappropriate grief. According to some respondents here 😏

TheBeaTgoeson1 · 15/10/2025 06:17

I cringed a bit at that to be fair.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 15/10/2025 06:18

Sounds cringey to me.

Shellyash · 15/10/2025 06:22

If i did that i would get stared at blankly, then a few laughs at me.. so I wouldn't do it. Too cringey

Vallmo47 · 15/10/2025 06:25

I think it’s really sad your family feel like they do OP, you should be able to be yourself always and that was truly not a cringe moment, I wouldn’t reflect on it at all.

RichPetuniaAgain · 15/10/2025 06:25

Hi OP, I really don’t think you did anything embarrassing at all. In fact, I think it was a nice nod to an admired actress 💐. The fact your family had a problem with it is more telling on them, not you.

Beenwhereyouareagain · 15/10/2025 06:26

Jamesblonde2 · 14/10/2025 23:29

Yes

Show quote history

No, it really isn't.

It wasn't performative or mawkish, or any other of that nonsense. Instead, it was a sentimental moment of acknowledging someone's life and talent.

@Lorecan was at home with the people she should be able to trust the most with her feelings; instead they've ridiculed her and made her feel like she's not just different, but that she's weird. I'm sure they love her but they were mean and disrespectful. OP, I think what you did was a sweet, simple thing. Too bad your family is so repressed.

Wethers121 · 15/10/2025 06:27

I just wanted to add OP, I grew up in a house where you were embarrassed all the time and mocked and I really didn’t like it. If you want things to change I would start openly showing emotion and who cares if they’re embarrassed. The more you do it the more normal it will be.