I think (well pretty much know) my husband is having an affair. Will blow our family apart. WWYD?

[ImNotReallyHere]

We’re late 50s, early 60s. Husband has had ED problems for a year after an accident. He travels for work every week and I’ve just discovered Viagara in his work bag. He’s having an affair isn’t he?

I can’t confront him yet. He earns £100k. I earn minimum wage as was a SAHM to two teens. Need to get a plan in place but can’t see how without destroying the family and me being penniless.

What would you do? Been married 25 years and feeling absolutely blindsided

Including males in their early 60s?

You don't really know anything do you?

True.

I'm afraid this was my thought too op.

I don't know if that makes you feel better or worse. I'd suspect it was a "safe space" (ie; someone he never has to see again) to experiment with the viagra and his ED.

Gross, but maybe not the full betrayal of an affair?

It’s probably prostitutes, but if you think it might be an affair and he is going to leave you high and dry then you need to get some legal advice.

Do you have Employee Assistance Programme at work? They offer counselling and free family legal advice and it’s totally confidential.

If you are not having sex anyway, maybe you might be ok with it? It’s up to you if you want to split up or not but if it is happening then protect yourself x

@ImNotReallyHere has stated her husband had an accident resulting in ED. My husband had botched prostate surgery resulting in the same.

If you've been in their shoes you'd know how absolutely bloody awful it is for both partners. It's not a gradual waning with age but a brutal cut off with no warning.

She needs to sit down and talk to him calmly. I cried a river in private at the time and for some years.

I took Viagra on my own during a brief period of ED to see what would happen, as it might or might not work and can have side effects. It's not necessarily a smoking gun.

I really doubt anyone would announce it like that. ED is a really psychologically difficult thing for a man; my partner has it and he takes Viagra but doesn’t announce it. He just told me quietly, when I was explaining why I had a horrible sticky mark on my thigh from HRT patches, “sometimes I need to take a tablet because things don’t work how I’d like them to.” I said that’s fine with me and it really is.

I actually hate that women laugh at men with ED. It’s devastating for them and affects their sense of self hugely.

I don’t understand this?

Ducks I think!

I reread it a few times and think it’s ducks. I hope it is 😁

That is completely untrue. In older men it’s common to have ED just like women get drier vaginas after menopause.

My daughter in her 20s has experienced the “too much porn and hard wanking” with boyfriends her age. They get hard but can’t ejaculate through penetrative sex as my daughter puts it, “No vagina is as tight as their hand can be.” Brutal but true. That’s too much porn, not ED in an over 50-year-old!

...Plus there are only two tablets missing from THIS packet, but who knows if it's his 1st packet or his 100th?!

You don't actually cheat on them as such, but you do betray them and their trust and confidence in you.

Parents divorce sometimes - that's a fact of life, and it often makes children very upset; but at least have the respect to break up with their other parent in an adult, honest way - rather than deliberately deciding to make it as shocking and painful for everybody as possible.

I was just basing my interpretation of what you were saying on the words that you used.

You suggested that him working away from home contributed to proving that the theory of his having an affair all 'lined up' - which sounded (to me at least) like you were equating simply having a job that involves travel with something out of the ordinary that IS clearly a red flag.

It's easy enough for everyone to say leave but it doesn't sound like you want to not yet anyway. Give yourself a timeline...two or three years. Get in shape, get a better job or upskill, widen and deepen your circle of friends, save money in an account with your own name. Have your own affair if you want to! Live your life inside the marriage and leave on a timeframe that you are comfortable with.

@3luckystars @RumbleHoney

Yes, ducks!! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ I suppose it could have been a worse typo..🙈

How's it going @ImNotReallyHere?

I agree with this. If he has ED problems this must put a strain on him, on OP and the marriage.

I have never said this on MN before, but I feel sorry for the bloke.

Sorry I didn’t come back to update. Thanks everyone for your replies. I have calmed down now. I did confront him and he said he bought them to see if they work but they didn’t. I may be too trusting but think I believe him.

He’s away for next few days so I will try and find details of pay, pensions etc to have in my back pocket. But he had a doctors appointment today. They said he has Peyronie’s disease. Which makes sense as he had also said it was bent. As he’s away from tomorrow, I have to pick up his prescription on Wednesday.

Hoping I’m not being gullible but he looks quite sad about the situation so I’m swaying to believing him. Am I mad? I think the vote was overwhelmingly that he was having an affair but not sure if he is if he can’t actually do it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well you have your answer OP, it’s not always an affair!
Mumsnet is prone to jumping to that conclusion as if no other reason exists.
It must be very upsetting news for him, another one here who feels sorry for him.

I hope you’re right op. Best of luck

You will believe what seems comforting to you. For now.

However, you would be wise to nevertheless get your ducks in a row…

• Wikivorce
• Divorce for Dummies
• Family solicitor websites

And gather all financial documentation - bank and investment statements, tax returns/P60s, pensions, mortgage, house deeds….. everything.

Better be prepared than potentially caught on the hop. If he does have an affair and, having been warned by your accusation, he may have already started to get HIS ducks in a row…

I’m confused by this. It’s nothing I’ve posted or has happened

I don’t have an ex and have been married over 25 years. Why do people make this stuff up 🤷🏻‍♀️

It was a different thread with a different OP - they didn't mean you had posted before. That poster was using it as an example of when a hunch can be wrong.

Whenever you go food shopping you might want to get £50 cashback each time. Make yourself a little cash stash.