I hate my DSD

[8842688l]

There I said it. Got it off my chest

shes a horrible, manipulative, spiteful girl who treats everybody like shit.

nothing more to say just needed to get it off my chest.

Really? A pretty massive number of children end up hating their bio parents though - the number of people who are NC with their parents is large. It’s not socially acceptable to say you hate your child but there’s plenty of threads on here where people have said that. Biology doesn’t guarantee love.

Well if your (this one’s an adult) child is an abusive little prick then you either have to stay single for life or accept that any partner you have is very unlikely to love your child.

My stepdads eldest child (adult) was absolutely awful and he told us from the off that he never expected my mum or any of us to have anything to do with him, ever, but that he would still see him. The son was beyond help and a seasoned criminal. If my stepdad was insistent that any partner loved his son, he’d have been on his own for life. Nobody would (or should) love that guy.

She was 13 when she went to live with OP and her Dad.
As anyone with knowledge of child development will explain to you that is a critical stage where it is essential that they feel loved, wanted and secure as well as stable relationships.
From the OPs own posts it's obvious SD has not had any of that as she was moved from her BM to go and live with them so a new school, lost old friendship group, possibly isolated if she hadn't made new friends. On top of whatever went on that she had to leave her home and move in with Dad.
Healthy, happy well adjusted kids don't phone SS for fun.
What they often do is lash out at the people who they perceive are to blame and this might show up in ways that don't make sense.
That doesn't mean "absolving her for her behaviour" but it does mean understanding where that behaviour comes from, letting her know it caused OP a lot of hurt whilst also letting her know they both still love her.
Obviously that takes both parent and step parent having good personal emotional development and being able to step back and hate the behaviour and not the child or young person in this case.

Plenty of unhappy teens don't phone SS, that's really extreme and not within the realms of normal, even for a damaged teen.

Maybe she felt neglected to the point of calling them.

We hear over and over again that if your marriage isn't perfect or it's a bit dull in the bedroom or your partner is fine but a bit boring you should leave. That we deserve happiness, that our children are better living with separated happy parents than parents who have settled for not abuse and generally OK but not perfect and compromised to keep a family together. Children can sense your sex life is not great because there's resentment building up we are told on numerous threads. We deserve all life can offer us. Don't compromise, you only live once, you deserve to be happy.

Well this is the reality for thousands of children, for step parents, for step siblings, for blended families. The feeling of being abandoned manifesting in toxic behaviour, co parenting weaponised, new children prioritised or having to grow up with conflict from step siblings, our daughters put in danger by bringing non related men into their homes, our sons losing male role models or having no consistant boundaries. The reaction of OP to the behaviour of her SD is normal, why wouldn't you think that of someone who has brought that level of disruption to your life. Just because she is the daughter of her husband doesn't mean OP is going to not feel this way, why would she.

But OP doesn't love her, and why should or would she.
And it's fairly clear that the co parenting isn't on an advanced emotional plane of selflessness.
So where now on the child development journey does OP go, that she is not understanding according to your post.

That depends on how much SS have been involved in her life up to now though.
A young teen that has never had any involvement with SS in her family then yes I would think it's a very unusual thing to do also I would see it as a major indication that something is very wrong.

On the other hand if SS have been involved all her young life you could say she is used to them stepping in and sorting everything out, for better or worse and its normal for her to contact them.
Either way it's not normal behaviour for a healthy happy settled child.

I'm sure OP doesn't have to love her but it's a very big leap to actively hate your partners child.

Its not beyond most people who are relatively emotionally balanced to realise that hating your partners child whilst they are living in your house is not going to have a great outcome for anybody.

I think you should show your posts to your DH. Then let us know how he reacted.

The thing is, 15 - she'll probably be leaving home in a year or so. Surely not worth breaking up the home for the sake of, say, eighteen months? Hang on in there OP.

Yes I am.
But this child moved in with her dad just before 13, kids aren't a lost cause if there is bad parenting before then or if they showed issues while living with their mother before then.
My son has a friend who moved in with his dad at that age when the mother couldn't manage them and he changed his behaviour, I know plenty of other kids with quite severe behaviour issues who managed to change their behaviour when some part of their environment was changed, moved in with grandparents or went to an education programme for early school leavers, things like that.

It sounds like there are more issues here than parenting, such as some kind of trauma.

OP said the DSD manipulates every situation so that people question her DPs parenting so how does she even know how the mother parented or everything she tried or didn't try. The child lives with her father now and that isn't a decision that most mothers would take lightly.

Typical selfish stepmother. Laser-focused on their "new" family/their own kids and no care towards the stepchildren 🙄

There becomes a time when you know you’can’t change anything and I get how you feel. There’s nothing wrong with your feelings. I’m sorry people don’t get but they never will. You’ve tried . What else are you supposed to do. Put your children at risk. No , I don’t think so. I hope everything works out for you.good luck

My husband’s ex wife put yellow jackets in a jar for her her kids to throw on me. I’m allergic. Good thing they didn’t sting me. We had taken them to the beach. She put it in the oldest child’s backpack. They thought it was funny. I do know the ex wife wanted me hurt

Im not sure I agree with anyone thinking the DSD’s behaviour is normal tbh. It’s not. Calling SS and lying isn’t normal and the OP shouldn’t have to put up with it

I do think she’ll probably grow out of this phase however and it seems a shame to throw your relationship away, especially if he’s a great Dad overall. I think separate homes, at least for 2-3 years would make sense, if you want to make it work with DP I think it’s the only option in the short term

Teens have done this, even when not from broken homes. Teens are a bit psychotic - or more nicely put they are a complete maelstrom of hormones, impulses and emotions.

My bestie's sister climbed out of her bedroom window and phoned the police to accuse her father of abusing her - that was in the 1980's from a stable home - caused mainly by her parents deciding to have another baby (5th baby) with some gap between no 4 and 5. She went on to fall off the rails, have a baby at 17 (who is now very close to her aunt who she grew up with).

She apologised to her parents when she was 25ish as it was all much as you are detailing here...noting real but a huge raft of emotional torment, acting out and feeling not good enough for her parents, feeling she was being replaced with a new baby

You finding other people's opinions boring, whilst you rattle on calling the DD a lunatic, crazy, psychotic. People's intelligent well thought out posts BS. Nobody's going to change your mind, so don't ask whether you are being unreasonable then have a hissy fit when lots feel that you are.

I hope your therapy helps, you all manage to sort this out and none of you (including SD) continue to suffer. It sounds untenable for all of you. Sorry if I feel this isn't all down to your SD.

Yawn boring emoji is really childish. I'm honestly sure you are better in person, because this has obviously effected you deeply, but you really do sound insufferable at times

Its not "normal" but does happen and is a known "acting out" behaviour.

Yeah that’s not normal either. Really not. Teens are not “a bit psychotic” any more than you can generalise and say adults are a bit psychotic. Some are but most are not.

No one has said the behaviour is “normal” they have said the behaviour can be understood when a child is traumatised and hurt and feels completely abandoned then despised in their own home. I don’t think it’s entirely “normal” to repeatedly scream that you hate a 15 year old child, or that you think they are a crazy lunatic.

The child is reacting/acting out in pretty extreme circumstances having watched their father hurry along to start a new perfect family. DSD was originally left with her mother - who if OP is to be believed was also a lunatic. Then the mother abandoned the daughter and moved far away. The daughter now watches her father be a full time doting daddy to his new perfect children - something she didn’t (and likely still doesn’t) get.

Well it certainly isn't normal for a happy teen with an "incredible life."

And if there has been any alleged lying, it seems to me that labelling those circumstances as "an incredible life" probably deserves to come up for consideration along those lines.

I know this is a bit off topic, but didn't that make you think twice about your DH? He at one point married this woman and had children with her.

I do see the point but then again many women have relationships with and have children by the most abusive pieces of shit out there and I’d hate to be judged for who I once had a relationship with. But yeah that would bother me that he once thought that this was a good person to have kids with and tie himself to financially.