I hate my DSD

[8842688l]

There I said it. Got it off my chest

shes a horrible, manipulative, spiteful girl who treats everybody like shit.

nothing more to say just needed to get it off my chest.

If it hadn’t been the OP it would have been someone else who the DSD would probably have made life miserable for too. Or did you think that if the dad didn’t meet the OP, he’d live the life of a monk until the DSD is 18 (or maybe 25 until her frontal lobe is fully developed)?

Break up with him then. Your hatred is only going to make things worse. I can't fathom why anyone could possibly get involved with a man whose child they despise so much.

We have been together for 6 years now, I haven't spoken to his son in 5 years, we are doing absolutely fine. Why would I break up with him over his family member is absolutely nothing to do with me?

They still have a relationship, I just don't hear about it and I'm quite happy.

Maybe op is just a vitriolic hate filled woman. Self certifying as a stepmum who was originally caring and wonderful, just doesn't ring true. If her DM was so awful, DH should have created a secure home for her first and foremost. This isn't all the girls fault, I believe she reported neglect, because she felt neglect, it didn't just come out of the blue. Hopefully when OP does leave, she can create a loving home for her 2 kids where they take priority, and a if a new partner comes into her life and wants more they want more kids, she might have a good idea of the impact that could have on her two.

At the moment she is hoping for a life where SD disappears and they live happily ever after as a family of 4. Too late, too fucked up. Sad for all of them.

This.

Ive been in dsd's life for nearly 2 decades and have finally had enough after a final straw moment this weekend. We've been through loads with her (3 kids between us, challenges from all of them over that time) - which we've managed to deal with and overcome, but she's an adult now and her choices have finally brought me to a point I'm done.

I've tried. God knows I've tried. I've been there for her through thick and thin, but I'm done now.

I bet loads of pp here don't have step kids. But I bet they have in-laws they dislike, and would really recognise OPs feelings of resentment and despair.
Oraybe they have kids who've been bullied at school, and can have some empathy that actually, some kids can be little shits.

Well as long as you're happy.

I am, thanks 👍

You think she’s a vitriolic hate filled woman but you hope she creates a loving home for her two kids?

Teenagers can be every bit as bad as adults, and it's entirely possible that this 15-year-old is truly awful despite OP's best efforts. Or maybe OP is somehow to blame for at least some of it. Either way, I can imagine hating a child who was genuinely horrible to me and had threatened my own children's well-being and the stability of their home.

There are no easy answers. It's a shame she's your own children's half-sibling, because now you're somewhat tethered to her for life, too.

No I hope she creates an awful home for her kids 🙄

The 15y may be a damaged child, desperate for love and attention. And may also be behaving in a way that is deeply unpleasant and toxic. Both can be true. She needs help but is sabotaging attempts to support her and alienating those that care. She has had trauma and her future currently looks bleak. She needs her dad to be consistent and loving but with very firm boundaries.

The OP’s feelings are valid. For some time she probably thought that her own two kids were going to be taken away. That’s damn traumatic too. The worst feeling for a mum. Ofc those feelings trump the feelings of care and love she had for her step daughter. She is human and has clearly reached her limit. The OP could be lovely or evil, but there is nothing to suggest here that she is a bad person. She is clearly a mum at the end of her tether.

You desperately needs some space. Would funds allow for a short-term rental or air BnB? You could tell your kids that their step sister is very stressed and needs some peace and quiet to recover.

I don’t think anything will improve without physical space. Good luck.

Well my point is that can a hate filled vitriolic person create a loving home? Because if they can maybe they aren’t actually hate filled and vitriolic and it’s more that they have been pushed to their limits.

I don't agree that the OP is trying to provoke people. It is actually the other way round with several posters trying to get a rise out of the OP. Don't think she needs to be lectured by them about empathy.

I don't think that there is anything reprehensible about her venting anonymously on here, being honest about her feelings and expressing her anger about her situation. People do this all the time on this site, occasionally about their own DC. But then I understand that a step parent is the devil incarnate and need to be punished for having the audacity to want to be happy.

No reason you should listen to me but here goes. I've read almost all your posts, not many of the others.

I really hope you feel you have had a chance to ventilate and enough useful support in amongst the everything else to help a bit.

You've got two really sensible ideas, go away for half term with your DC and look at having a separate home from DH for the time being. If you legally separate you can have separate homes with less of a financial penalty even if you hope and intend to reunite one day. You sound completely sensible enough to ignore any feeling of 'can't let SD win'.

Your DH might then be in a better position to ask for Social Services help with his troubled teen. I realise there might not be a lot of help on offer.

Looking in my crystal ball (eg what do I really know? - nothing) it might be the best way to prevent intolerable stress from really damaging your relationship with DH long term. If you're not constantly dealing with the shit you might be able to give him better support and he might feel less conflicted if he's bravely on the frontline while younger DC are safe elsewhere.

Last two pennorth: its good to vent but I think, in the long run, it might not be good for your equanimity to hate SD. If you can you need to detach. I say this from a place of empathy having had a similar issue, but with an adult, this year. I regarded them as family, bent over backwards, no good deed went unpunished.

To those criticizing OP: 15yo boys sometimes physically bully mothers/stepmother and this should be seen as domestic abuse. It is not ok. Domestic abuse is not just physical violence. We don't know what line has been crossed here but there's no reason to assume a 15yo girl is incapable of abusive behaviour. Threatening to or actually carrying out mendacious legal complaints and false allegations to social services about child abuse by a parent towards their DC is serious stuff.

You can't have everything you want to be true be true here - it doesn't hold together. If you think she is an adult who understood the full implications of calling social services and everything that would mean - then that means she desperately desperately doesn't want to live her "incredible life" with you and her father despite him being the only stable parent and the alternatives being pretty unpleasant. Are you really so void of humanity that you can't look at a 15 year old girl and wonder why she felt so desperate to not be in your home that she called social services and maybe these spurious claims.

I'm not judging you - but I am judging him. There is no way in hell I would ever be in relationship with someone who hated my child.

Neither would I, I can't imagine not being able to talk about my child with my dp or anything like that, but dp made his choice and it's worked for the last 5 years. We don't live together and won't have kids or anything so we are basically just long term dating.

How old is the child?

14 when we started dating, 15 when he decided to do all the shit he was doing and I cut contact, and is 20ish now.

There is actually quite a range of lifestyles in between being a monk and inflicting someone who HATES your dc ( in angry caps) on them, in their very home, for your own benefit.

Parenthood comes with responsibility and sacrifice. The problem is way too many people don't seem to grasp that.

Depends on how awful your child is. He might not have much choice.

She hates her now after years of horrible behaviour. She didn’t hate her at the outset.

What a ridiculous thing to say, she's 15 not 5. You can't absolve her from any and all responsibility for her behaviour.

Let's be honest: not many bio parents end up hating their dc.

It's a decision that needs to be taken very seriously and requires exceptional individuals to pull it off - which is why I'd never move myself into that role.

Then if he has an ounce of integrity, he'd find an alternative partner.