Page 20 | I hate my DSD

LifeSurvior · 14/10/2025 16:51

CautiousLurker01 · 14/10/2025 16:40

I don’t think that until or unless you have been through an indepth social services investigation you can understand the level of invasiveness, the fear of judgement, the fear that you may lose your children for something someone has accused you of. Ours took over 3m. They went to our children’s school, they spoke to form tutors, the deputy head, the head of pastoral care; they spoke to our GP and anyone we had interacted with with concern over our child - our CAMHS caseworker, the CAMHS psych, etc. Both children were interviewed by a stranger alone in their bedrooms, which were inspected as was our entire house, and we were not allowed to be there or even nominate another adult that they knew to be with them. And this was just for ‘misgendering’ my child in a conversation with a person whose identity we still do not know. But they reported us. No accusations on the part of the child concerned, no accusations of actual abuse and neglect.

It was beyond harrowing and if I ever find out who put my family through that - including the vulnerable child they claimed to be concerned with - I am not sure I could contain my anger.

So I think there needs to be some understanding that -whatever the underlying motives of OP’s SD - it is a cruel and invasive process that is very upsetting to all family members, the children and parents alike. It is harmful in and of itself when there is no underlying justification for it. And yes, I totally accept claims that there are children who are at risk need to be investigated, and before it happened to me I would have been the loudest to shout this (visions of Victoria Clombie and other tragic child victims will never leave me) but being the subject of that investigation is bloody traumatic.

It must have been horrendous and I'm sorry you had to go through that but OP situation id's very different.
A child in the household contacted them not an outside adult. They have to take that very seriously as they should.
It is a massive cry for help and even if SD had made everything up that actually points to a very troubled and unhappy chilld.
The unfortunate result is that instead of being emotionally adult enough to realise that the OP has seen it as the SD being vindictive and has made the situation very much worse.
Im not saying its not hard to be angry with her SD of course you would be but the responses from OP of the visceral hate of her SD in her replies show an adult step parent who is absolutely not safe to be around the SD now.
I'm sure SS would agree it's not in her best interests to live with a step parent that hates them!
OP needs to have a proper sit down talk with her partner and be honest about her feelings towards his Daughter and see if they can carry on the relationship with that level of toxicity.
It cannot be a healthy environment for any of the children nto be honest.

ThePeachHiker · 14/10/2025 16:51

I don’t see anything wrong with living apart for 3 years till she leaves home.
potential benefits are she gets one to one attention from Dad. Your kids will experience peace for the first time in their lives, and you don’t have to worry about them being removed if she makes more allegations. You will get the respite you need from her. The potential problem is your children missing their dad but he can still take them out.
I work with teenagers and understand the difficulties. There is some interesting literature that it’s worth looking up about child on parent abuse. There’s still a lot of stigma around the topic as you can see from this thread.

Blueskies77 · 14/10/2025 16:52

Sorry you’re having such a difficult time Op. I can’t imagine the situation that you’re in but I hope you have the opportunity to live apart with your dc and try to continue to make a go of things with your husband. It seems like this is the logical next step and you can see where it goes from there. How easy will it be to do? Not sure if you own house together, money situation, affordability etc? Sounds like the sooner you sort this out the better.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 14/10/2025 16:57

8842688l · 13/10/2025 21:32

There I said it. Got it off my chest

shes a horrible, manipulative, spiteful girl who treats everybody like shit.

nothing more to say just needed to get it off my chest.

Can't see the word "neglect" there.
Even if everything you followed up with is just as you say, and she is the Spawn of Satan, and you have every right to give up on her, there is nothing to go on in your OP.
Just an anonymous adult hating an anonymous child (age yet to be determined).

Redpeach · 14/10/2025 17:00

8842688l · 14/10/2025 16:13

I haven’t once said it was, someone accused DP of walking out on his child. I corrected it

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But he was part of a scenario that has created this current dynanic

Dramatic · 14/10/2025 17:05

MissDoubleU · 14/10/2025 16:30

Are YOU mental? You are a bloody adult. A parent.

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Does that mean her and her younger children should put up with an unlimited amount of abuse and harm? What a ridiculous notion.

ikeepforgetting · 14/10/2025 17:13

Whatever the situation is with the 15yo, the OP, as an adult, is coming across as equally toxic and awful. I've read this thread with my jaw on the floor. What a mess. As a single parent I will never bring anyone into my DC's home to bring about this level of dysfunction.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 14/10/2025 17:13

8842688l · 14/10/2025 16:26

If you trawled through the dozens of posts on this thread, you’ll get a very clear picture unfortunately the damage is done, and my sympathy has worn thin. Not a strange post at all, just a response to the people who still think this behaviour is excusable.

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I've read all your posts and each one makes me feel sorrier for your step- daughter.

LifeSurvior · 14/10/2025 17:14

Dramatic · 14/10/2025 17:05

Does that mean her and her younger children should put up with an unlimited amount of abuse and harm? What a ridiculous notion.

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Nobody has to put up with abuse and harm, that's obvious.
The SD sounds really unhappy and that has manifested in her behaviour, not acceptable but understandable.
I think the poster was saying she is the adult here to an obviously damaged stepchild.
If you cannot parent that child and you are saying you actually hate them then you have to be the adult and remove yourself from the situation.
The OP obviously cannot be a parent to a child she hates, it's obviously well beyond that now.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/10/2025 17:18

She's a child.

This is problem about your capacity to love her, not a problem with her.

Honestly, I think if you can't accept and care for a step-child you have no business having a relationship with a parent.

tsmainsqueeze · 14/10/2025 17:21

arethereanyleftatall · 14/10/2025 15:33

this post misses the point.

the reason that ‘the majority have no experience what it’s like’ Is absolutely right. And that’s the point. We know it would be shit, for both us AND the stepchild, and so we don’t have relationships with single parents!!

unless you are prepared to love a step child and treat them as your own, as some step mums on this thread can, then it is horribly selfish to get in a relationship with a single parent, because you’re not going to be able to give that troubled child the help they need if it comes about.

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How do you know it would be shit ? there are plenty of loving step parent/child relationships.
This site is anonymous and the op has every right to express the way she feels , maybe she had every intention of loving the child but often life isn't as straightforward as that.

LifeSurvior · 14/10/2025 17:30

tsmainsqueeze · 14/10/2025 17:21

How do you know it would be shit ? there are plenty of loving step parent/child relationships.
This site is anonymous and the op has every right to express the way she feels , maybe she had every intention of loving the child but often life isn't as straightforward as that.

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OP definitely has every right to express how she feels about her 15 year old SD andshe hates her.
She may well not have started out hating her and had the best intentions, let's hope not.
But.
If you have got to the level of hating your SD then you have no business being around them pretending to parent them, can you not see that is really damaging to everyone.?
I think it's incredibly hard to be a stepparent and some do it really brilliantly and navigate the problems.
Unfortunately you can never know when you start out with a partner who already has children how it will go but you can be the adult and recognise that hating your SD is no way to live and do something about it.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/10/2025 17:33

tsmainsqueeze · 14/10/2025 17:21

How do you know it would be shit ? there are plenty of loving step parent/child relationships.
This site is anonymous and the op has every right to express the way she feels , maybe she had every intention of loving the child but often life isn't as straightforward as that.

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How do I know? Because I’m a teacher. It’s hard enough getting paid to look after someone else’s kids, let alone do it for free in my precious leisure time.

amd I agree, there are plenty of loving ones, many on this thread.

my point is simply, if you can’t do it, don’t, because it isn’t fair on the child.

I couldn’t. So i don’t.

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 14/10/2025 17:42

MissDoubleU · 14/10/2025 11:40

I imagine in these circumstances she has good reason to feel neglected and that her needs really aren’t being met. Perhaps she reached out to social services for help because she feels completely stuck.

OP seems very focused on the safety of her younger children and the “risk” her DSD put those children in. What risk was there? DSD didn’t herself abuse the children, wasn’t violent to them etc. if the “risk” was the lies to told to SS then surely OP should feel quite confident in proving them unfounded - particularly towards her own two DC. This is an emotional situation and OP has clearly had a very emotional reaction but calling her a psycho and making out she endangered OP’s own DC is completely unfounded from everything OP has said.

If OP was willing to clarify exactly what her DSD did maybe I would look on it differently. But she didn’t say yet that the ‘lies told’ were anything regarding abuse.

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Yes, i completely agree with you. It does sound like she feels her needs aren't being met. It probably is why she reached out to social services, hoping someone would do something. It could also show that she knows something needs to be done but doesn't feel able to change the situation herself. She may need an adult to step up and if OP can't do it she needs to get help or talk to her dad! Ya, I don't know what risk is she mentions. I'm sure seeing a bit of teenage moodiness won't kill them either. Ya, I can sympathise that she feels at her wits end. I just hope she's not communicating that she hates her directly to her. It sounds like the daughter needs some one to one time to talk how she feels out and a big hug!

LuckyPeonies · 14/10/2025 17:54

In your shoes i would leave, unless she goes back to her mum’s or into another living situation. Because there is no telling how much her lies could escalate & literally ruin lives. There was a recent thread on which a poster commented they’d ended up arrested & in jail for a short while, plus lost their job & reputation due to lies told by their own daughter. They were exonerated but the damage done is permanent.

ERthree · 14/10/2025 18:00

Haemagoblin · 14/10/2025 13:20

So top tip - if you don't love the child don't marry their dad? Because that is likely to bring you into frequent contact, which is unlikely to be good for either of you, much less the subsequent children you then choose to add to the shitshow.

But no, heaven forbid the adult make a mature decision/sacrifice, after all they're 'in luuuurrve' and that surely overrides any consideration of what is good for the children involved.

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Children change with age, that little one that was so loving and cute can become a living nightmare a few years later don't you think?

CautiousLurker01 · 14/10/2025 18:03

Sadly this OP is no longer active. I hope she is able to seek out support IRL and that she and her DH can meter out a compromise, even if only temporary until DSD is 18, that manages to balance the needs of all family members.

Dorosomethingbeautiful · 14/10/2025 18:09

I feel for you @8842688l I pray she gets over this horrible phase soon. I don’t know why people on Mumsnet make excuses for badly behaved children. Teenagers can be very manipulative

stickystick · 14/10/2025 18:09

Sorry to hear this OP and for the hard time you have been getting.
Had similarish experience myself.
Since when could mothers be as negligent/delinquent as they like but SMs must always be saints?

SunnySideDeepDown · 14/10/2025 18:18

8842688l · 14/10/2025 08:44

You are absolutely delusional to think that reporting neglect to authorities is normal teenage girl behaviour.

My mother and I got into some right disagreements when I was younger and really didn’t get on very well for some years that was NORMAL teenage behaviour, would I have reported my parents to the authorities for neglect. No because I knew very well the impact and the consequences should I have done that to very innocent people.

Whoever said narcissistic hit the nail on the head.

I have been kind, caring and supportive for long enough. Sorry that I’ve offended you for not tolerating such nonsense. My children are the most important thing to me, imagine a child alleging something that would cause them upset and distress for what - nothing because the child is far from neglected. What if she’d alleged something much harder to prove, absolutely appalling behaviour and shocking that you think this is normal.

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Well, we only have your word to go by and given you HATE a 14 year old, I’m going to take a stab and say you’re not a particularly reliable poster.

Im sure she had her reasons, whether it was genuine (again, only have your word to go by), or a cry for help as she’s living with a woman who hates her and slags off her mums parenting.

Either way, you need to grow up.

DrowningInSyrup · 14/10/2025 18:28

tsmainsqueeze · 14/10/2025 15:07

From one stepmother to another , op you have my sympathy.
There are plenty on here getting stuck in , i bet the majority have little / no experience of what it's really like .
I am pretty sure you didn't set off feeling like this about the kid but you have been pushed to your limit .
I truly hope you have happy times to come, it can be truly awful.

I'm guessing few people have experience of what it is like being a stepdaughter who obviously felt neglected, has been let down by her BM and lives with a woman who is filled with bile and hatred. No way do I believe OP was ever a loving stepmum & DH was a brilliant dad. This girl must have felt unwanted, unloved and rejected for a very long time. I just think it would have been a very different story if this woman had never come into her life.

Glowingup · 14/10/2025 18:33

DrowningInSyrup · 14/10/2025 18:28

I'm guessing few people have experience of what it is like being a stepdaughter who obviously felt neglected, has been let down by her BM and lives with a woman who is filled with bile and hatred. No way do I believe OP was ever a loving stepmum & DH was a brilliant dad. This girl must have felt unwanted, unloved and rejected for a very long time. I just think it would have been a very different story if this woman had never come into her life.

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Really? How? Would her mum not have neglected her if the OP had never come into her life?

tsmainsqueeze · 14/10/2025 18:44

LifeSurvior · 14/10/2025 17:30

OP definitely has every right to express how she feels about her 15 year old SD andshe hates her.
She may well not have started out hating her and had the best intentions, let's hope not.
But.
If you have got to the level of hating your SD then you have no business being around them pretending to parent them, can you not see that is really damaging to everyone.?
I think it's incredibly hard to be a stepparent and some do it really brilliantly and navigate the problems.
Unfortunately you can never know when you start out with a partner who already has children how it will go but you can be the adult and recognise that hating your SD is no way to live and do something about it.

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You don't need to tell me how damaging it is to everyone.

DrowningInSyrup · 14/10/2025 18:46

Glowingup · 14/10/2025 18:33

Really? How? Would her mum not have neglected her if the OP had never come into her life?

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She's hardly made things better has she. Maybe her DH could of concentrated on the child he already had.

DrowningInSyrup · 14/10/2025 18:55

SunnySideDeepDown · 14/10/2025 18:18

Well, we only have your word to go by and given you HATE a 14 year old, I’m going to take a stab and say you’re not a particularly reliable poster.

Im sure she had her reasons, whether it was genuine (again, only have your word to go by), or a cry for help as she’s living with a woman who hates her and slags off her mums parenting.

Either way, you need to grow up.

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Agreed, I just can't buy that this woman has ever been kind caring or supportive, certainly not to the extent she claims anyway.