I hate my DSD

[8842688l]

There I said it. Got it off my chest

shes a horrible, manipulative, spiteful girl who treats everybody like shit.

nothing more to say just needed to get it off my chest.

Yes, it’s the repetition that’s awful. Very childish actually and obviously an attempt to provoke people.

I wouldn’t enable their behaviour and say it’s okay
If it was one of my DC I’d be horrified and furious
but not a chance in hell would I say it’s acceptable

No wonder the SD tried to get social services involved. She needs someone to fight her corner living in this toxic environment.

Growing up I had a neighbour who was repeatedly in trouble for “false” claims to social services for neglect regarding her parents. She was a terror. Everyone knew it. Unmanageable and always in trouble. Threw her siblings toys out the window. Used to play Barbie Girl full blast on repeat for hours. It was horrible. Everyone hated her. A few years later her father hung himself after he was questioned by police for sexually abusing her.

Children often act out in terrible ways when they are hurt. It doesn’t make them likable people, no. But if you have nothing but hate for a Step child and you make that well known you are creating an abusive environment for them to grow up in.

Your toxicity needs to be removed from this child’s life OP.

And btw you’re NOT awful or evil because you’ve reached your limit. I’ve said it before on this thread but at 15 you’re old enough to know the repercussions of your actions and the harm caused by telling lies. these “oh she’s had a terrible childhood posts” just let really poor behaviour off the hook. plenty of children have less than desirable childhoods for a variety of reasons but they don’t make other people’s lives hell

Wow you’re awful. 😞

Who is doing this, then? Who exactly is enabling her behaviour, saying it's ok...? Presumably you don't mean anyone on an anonymous message board, so people in real life are enabling her.. ?

This is spot on.

There is no hope of any reconciliation, forgiveness or trust between any of you, if op continues with this level of anger and resentment. Why would anyone want to continue having a relationship with a partner who hates their child? Or do you express yourself differently to him Op?

Teen girls can be extremely challenging but you don’t respond by upping the ante or ignoring a child in their own home.

I think we can all guess why a teen would lie and say she is being starved, that her clothes aren’t washed, and she’s not allowed to shower. It was an awful thing to do, but what do all of those things represent? Love. Love is what she is obviously lacking. It might be there in some forms but this teen is not feeling it!

Not from her mum who has moved away, from her dad who is too indulgent to do the hard work, and a stepmum who hates her. Of course the wrong response is to take the accusations literally.

No matter what has happened, op is the parent, and sdd is the child. Many fifteen year olds act impulsively and without thinking through the bigger picture. This teen needs solid, firm, calm kind boundaries not inflammatory hatred, even if it’s not expressed out loud, and being ignored in her own home. That is a highly disregulated response. Imagine coming home from school to that. The child was waving a massive red flag when she did what she did, and when your kids become teens op you might understand it better.

So many mothers of young children in blended families don’t have a clue what teens want or need. As a result the incumbent older adolescent gets constantly and unfavourably compared to the young dc who are still cute, happy, compliant in the main part and whose problems are easily fixed.

Instead of intense hatred, and taking this so personally, the way to resolve this is to try and understand the motivation behind her actions and see what can be done to resolve the issue and move forward.

As the poster above says, even if this teen is out of control and beyond help, it’s still no excuse to match your response to theirs. Your response needs needs to be objective and independent of any feelings you have about her actions, and one of taking the high road, no matter what, because you are an adult and you chose to be in this child’s life,

You all need family therapy. Urgently. And the households need to divide.

This. This. This.

OP I do think you need support with your anger.

From one stepmother to another , op you have my sympathy.
There are plenty on here getting stuck in , i bet the majority have little / no experience of what it's really like .
I am pretty sure you didn't set off feeling like this about the kid but you have been pushed to your limit .
I truly hope you have happy times to come, it can be truly awful.

The way you talk about the child is so toxic and the tone of your responses is equally aggressive it’s hard to not think you yourself might be the problem. Regardless of how much you repeat you hate her the facts are you sound a very toxic person and likely will continue to find that even your biological children grow up like this - damaged by the toxic adults supposed to care for them.

I once knew a girl who went totally off the rails. Her mother prioritised a relationship with new DP over her, as did her father. She had multiple step dads ranging from verbally abusive to sexually inappropriate. Her father remarried and quickly had a new family she was the outsider of and the step mum hated her and seemed hell bent on breaking the girl down to make her as angry and damaged as she possibly could to get DP all to herself.

The step mum would do things like small nasty comments continuously about weight and intelligence, purposefully cook dinners she knew SD didn’t like and complain when she didn’t eat them, buy the children snacks and then say SD ate them all, hide sanitary products so she always had to ask, set times on the hot water that meant the SD couldn’t shower when she wanted and never could find her towel, put younger siblings to bed and then make SD so uncomfortable to be downstairs with her dad by wearing scanty clothes and fawning over dad on sofa. The father did nothing but bask in the adulation of his younger wife, and the SD behaviour spiralled.

The SD was clearly unwanted and her needs neglected yet the step mum and Father saw themselves as the victims as the child’s behaviour deteriorated. How could the poor daughter ever explain all this toxic mess - a mess she didn’t create but one she was painted the villain of?

The truth is the girl never stood a chance with crap parents and a step mum with such a toxic, selfish obsessive love for her DH and biological children ….

I think it’s appalling that we hold kids of 10 criminally responsible. I think it should be at least 13 - which ties in with the age we say they can consent to sex (albeit it’s still illegal).

WRONG!

That’s absolutely vile behaviour from an adult
What a shame for that child
I can assure you that is NOT the situation we are in
Ive reached my limit but I’m far from a monster
but explaining myself to strangers on the internet I really don’t have to do, nor do I have to agree with them

The chances of the 15yo being ‘evil’ are fairly slim, so it follows that her behaviour is a result of trauma.

it seems the op and her husband have had her full time since 12, but what about before that?
you have said that the mother moved miles away, and also you have 2 young children and enough time before that to have decided he’s wonderful, so would it be a fair assumption to assume that he barely saw his dd in her early years?
you are blaming this entirely on the mother moving far away, but were you and him putting more effort in to your relationship than he was with his dd? He could hsve had her weekends and holidays if she lived far away. He could have gone for full care if the mother was so absolutely awful.
in your 70 or so posts, you haven’t mentioned it so it’s probably safe to assume he didn’t bother.
and that’s where her problems started.
abandoned by her father, which you were a part of, then by her mother.

At fifteen year old disturbed teen probably wouldn’t think beyond causing a massive ruckus and forcing everyone to focus on them. And wanting to change things up a bit. Especially if they felt they had little voice or control in the household.

Of course they wouldn’t fully comprehend the ramifications. They probably hoped that the person who hates them, the Op, would be removed from the home. She probably didn’t think much beyond that. She just wanted someone to listen to her viewpoint and take her seriously. Or she felt she was being treated unfairly and wanted to get her own back. Or a bit of both.

It was a terrible thing to do but would anyone have listened to her if she had expressed herself differently? It’s classic attention seeking behaviour.

You need to read up about the teenage brain because the limbic system doesn’t join up with the amygdala until someone is in their mid-twenties and this explains why adolescents are generally impulsive and lacking in foresight.

Clearly you have reached the end of your tether here OP. Rightly or wrongly, you say you are done and have been open in your hatred for this 15 year old girl. As the relationship is beyond repair, the household must split.

This is awful for your own DC, but this girl's father will have a love and sense of responsibility towards her, that you have for your DC. It is wretched all around but the adults in the room need to take the situation in hand, not let hate and rage fester.

Her behaviour sounds dreadful - as teen girls can be. But she is still a child and is under the FT care of your husband. It sounds awful all around, but for everyone's sake splitting the household seems the only way forward based on what you have shared here. I don't see any type of family therapy working either.

What did she report and how was it investigated?

If you were serious about keeping your anonymity op, you wouldn’t be posting on here in the first place.

Either way, it’s unrealistic to post saying that you hate your sdd because she did this thing and then refuse to answer anything further about it. Besides which, you have answered some questions, which leads me to believe that you are probably uncomfortable about answering others, and this is not really about anonymity at all.

If you simply wanted to vent and express your anger and frustration without any response from anyone else, that would have been better achieved by shouting in to a pillow.

OP is not awful. Based on her account of the situation, I'd say she's been very tolerant. However, everyone's kindness can be stretched and SD needs to learn that, even if she's hurting and struggling, it's not right or morally acceptable to lie to authorities the way she did. She also has to know that poor behaviour has consequences.

Have you told your DH you HATE his DD? What was his response if you have. If someone who supposedly loves me told me they hated my child I would be destroyed. If he’s aware you feel like this what is he doing. If he isn’t aware, I’m astonished you are keeping the level of vitriol you feel so well hidden. I can hear you are absolutely at the end of your tether but you need to find someway of dealing with your fury in a much more regulated way if only for your own sake at this point. Are you a perfectionist OP? Your SD challenging this view of you and your DH appears to have completely shattered you.

this post misses the point.

the reason that ‘the majority have no experience what it’s like’ Is absolutely right. And that’s the point. We know it would be shit, for both us AND the stepchild, and so we don’t have relationships with single parents!!

unless you are prepared to love a step child and treat them as your own, as some step mums on this thread can, then it is horribly selfish to get in a relationship with a single parent, because you’re not going to be able to give that troubled child the help they need if it comes about.

She clearly isn’t keeping it hidden at all. She leaves the room whenever DSD enters, like a petulant moody child.

There is no way anyone can justify continuing to live with a child you have this much hate towards. The environment is toxic and abusive. She may have lied to SS because she didn’t have the right words explain how bad her home situation is but it clearly isn’t okay. OP is refusing to remove herself and her palpable hatred from the home situation. This can’t be good for any of the children living there.

Absolutely spot on.

It's like someone who has walked heedlessly into a fire shouting out "you have NO idea HOW hot it is in here" to those who are standing well back.

If there is any ignorance relevant, it isn't that of those who are keeping well clear of the heat.

The tragic thing is that in reality it is the children who bear the brunt of that lack of foresight.

I might have missed that but why can’t she be sent back to her mum’s?