DH has fallen out with my DD, because of how she spent her money

[Gianam]

So first of all, I know my DD is in an extremely privileged position, she knows this too.
DD is 25, she was just able to buy a flat with inheritance from her paternal grandparents, no mortgage so she’s set up really well, she didn’t have much left from the inheritance after this and all the associated costs but she felt like it was worth it to have a place that was really hers.

My DH isn’t DDs dad, but when his mum passed away she left DD £20,000, obviously DD didn’t expect anything at all in this situation. His mum had also left her a lovely letter telling her to use the money for something fun, and telling her how much respect she had for her.

DD used the money for a few things but notable £4500 on a piece of art for her new flat, some jewellery, paying a friend to paint her old snowboard to hang in her new flat and then some has gone towards her snowboarding trip in February.

I think this is exactly how his mother wanted the money to be spent, these aren’t clothes that will be out of fashion in a year but legacy pieces she can hold onto forever. DH thinks it was frivolous, spoiled and privileged spending and putting £4500 on art and similar amounts on jewellery is ridiculous. He has now said he won’t talk to DD as his mother would feel the money had been wasted.

I think he’s been utterly ridiculous, she hasn’t pissed it all on drink or random clothes. I think she’s been quite sensible and was told to use it for fun!

AIBU to think DH is being a bit of a prick with his reaction!

She is only 25, has a good job , mortgage free accommodation , savings and doesn’t have dependants. I don’t see anything wrong with her spending her gift on anything she wants,
Your dh really need to get a grip

It's actually irrelevant whether or not she spent it wisely. It was her money and not his. He has no business not talking to someone over how they spend their own money, regardless of where it came from. He sounds childish and bitter, tell him to grow up and start acting like an adult, life is too short to be messing around not talking to people for petty reasons, he should know that at his age.

Well anyone on here who does know a single 25yo woman with peach sapphire belly jewellery, who snowboards and went to university in the States and has a Henry Asencio hanging in her London flat will now be privy to her family dramas and all her financials plus whatever else you have posted about, OP.

Can we see the art! Can’t imagine ever having that money to spend on an art piece, nice to live through other peoples lives ☺️

If no restrictions are put on an inheritance, the recipient can do what they want with it. It sounds as though OP's MIL would be fine with how OP's DD has spent her inheritance, particularly as she left a letter encouraging her to have fun with it.

OP's late MIL sounds much nicer than OP's DH. OP has said that her parents will be leaving some money to her step-son, so things will be evened up later.

Your DD sounds like a high-flyer, both academically and in terms of sporting achievements and she now has a very well paid career. She is obviously outshining your DH's son and this has made your DH very bitter and he is taking it out on your daughter by refusing to speak to her.

Him giving your DD the silent treatment is abusive and you shouldn't accept what he is doing, even if he is still grieving for his mum (who sounds absolutely lovely btw).

Your daughter has led a very charmed life.
Your husband, and many posters on here, are envious of that. It has brought out a really horrible side to him.
I would definitely be questioning my marriage if my husband held such feelings towards my daughter.
He used his inheritance to pay off debt. He is that very last person I would be taking financial critique from.

You pick what you want but using extremely emotive phrases when it is nothing of the sort is pretty shitty any way you look at it.

Don't downplay your words. You typed them, own them

I own them. I was offering you suggestions because you were misguided. Still, no worries.

He used his inheritance to pay off debt. He is that very last person I would be taking financial critique from.

Valid point tbh.

He has stopped talking to his own stepdaughter because she spent her own money on the things that she wanted, in accordance with the instructions from the person who gave her the money? Even though it's absolutely none of his fucking business?

Given that he had to use his own (I assume much larger) part of the inheritance on paying off debts, I'm assuming he's bitter and resentful that a) your DD got £20K that would otherwise have gone to him and b) was able to spend hers on nice things that she wanted, rather than paying off debt.

He sounds like a complete prick, to be honest.

People on here can argue all they like about whether art and jewellery are 'sensible' things to do with £20K - it doesn't matter either way. It isn't up to anyone else to decide how anyone else spends their own money, whether that was money they earned or money that was given to them. Just because it happened to be DH's mum who gave her DD the money, that doesn't mean he (or anyone else) has any right whatsoever to decide for her how she should have spent it. She's a grown woman. She can buy what she likes.

Even if they had an argument about, refusing to speak to her over it is cuntish in the extreme.

Yes, your DD has been very lucky. She's had large sums of money fall into her lap at a young age, and she's incredibly privileged. But that still doesn't mean she doesn't have every right to do what she wants with the money she's been given. She doesn't have to spend it 'sensibly' or 'get more for her money' if she doesn't want to. It's up to her.

Firstly, it is absolutely possible.

Secondly, what exactly are you implying about her money 'not coming from her own work'? How do think she's obtaining it, then? Because right now it sounds like you're just making some rather creepy and bitter insinuations about a young woman you've never met, simply because she is a young woman.

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@BauhausOfEliott Firstly, it is absolutely possible.

No it isn't. Why are you asserting things that are clearly not true?

Average UK salary is £37,000. A 25 year old is not going to have a job that aligns with what people in their 30s and 40s are earning, but just for the sake of this discussion, let's pretend she is somehow on the UK average already.

£37,000 gives a monthly take home of about £2,500, or £30,000 a year (and that's not including money that's deducted due to pension salary sacrifice).

She may not have a mortgage... but I'm sure she eats, washes herself, uses electricity and gas, pays council tax, pays bills, uses the internet, spends money on transport, buys new clothes to replace old clothes, has hobbies, etc. etc.

And do you really think she does all of that on £10,000 a year?

Secondly, what exactly are you implying about her money 'not coming from her own work'? How do think she's obtaining it, then?

Well, same way as her inheritance... money that's been given to her, not money that she earned.

Must be nice being given money for nothing.

Art absolutely can be an investment. Your DH sounds like an actual child.

He has now said he won’t talk to DD as his mother would feel the money had been wasted.

How is an adult human male acting like this??!

All I’m going to say is you are underestimating how much a young person who’s doing their training contract at a magic circle firm in her second year is making, and how much that will jump by in less than a year too!

You are talking a load of rubbish.

A lot of graduate schemes have starting salaries of over £37k. So it’s perfectly possible she would be on more than that.

Don’t make spiteful insinuations when you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Even if she puts on a brave face, it will get awkward and tense at some point with him tantrumming like a child.

I think if he behaves like this a couple of times I would be ultimating him to grow up because you refuse to live with manchild.

Even outside of law firms, many graduates can command £40k starting salaries. DH just hired a second jobber on £45k.

The ins and outs of what she did with the money isn’t really the key issue here. I happen to agree that it’s her money to spend as she wishes. You, and or your DH can agree or disagree, but she’s an adult so her choice.

His saying he’s not talking to her is the real issue. As others have said, it’s abusive behaviour, often used as a coercive tactic.

Is it a one off, or has he done anything similar before? If he is so grief stricken that his behaviour is completely out of character then hopefully he’ll come to his senses. If it’s been a thing before, then you might want to think about that.

@nomas Even outside of law firms, many graduates can command £40k starting salaries. DH just hired a second jobber on £45k.

Those salaries for graduates would be very unusual. Obviously, 21 year olds aren't coming out of university to earn £40k; otherwise the average salary nationwide wouldn't be £37k.

I think mumsnet in general is completely out of touch with what normal people earn (and when I say normal people, I'm including people who are highly educated and who work in professional fields).

I totally get that. I’m from a working class background, our school’s career coach never even told us about graduate schemes, let alone that the best graduates could command high salaries. He had zero aspirations for us students.

You declared it impossible for OP's daugter to earn more than £37k but OP responded directly to you to say:

'All I’m going to say is you are underestimating how much a young person who’s doing their training contract at a magic circle firm in her second year is making, and how much that will jump by in less than a year too!'

Therefore, it's obvious that OP's daughter's salary far exceeds £37k and as she is mortgage free, she is able to save a significant amount each month.

Even our grad scheme in the public sector pays close to £37k and we've got a couple of 25 YOs on close to £60k because they've passed the criteria for that grade and we're on buttons compared to law and finance.

So I find it rather bizarre that people think they can confidently argue that a random 25 YO couldn't possibly save a certain amount of money each year based on irrelevant salary data.