DH has fallen out with my DD, because of how she spent her money

[Gianam]

So first of all, I know my DD is in an extremely privileged position, she knows this too.
DD is 25, she was just able to buy a flat with inheritance from her paternal grandparents, no mortgage so she’s set up really well, she didn’t have much left from the inheritance after this and all the associated costs but she felt like it was worth it to have a place that was really hers.

My DH isn’t DDs dad, but when his mum passed away she left DD £20,000, obviously DD didn’t expect anything at all in this situation. His mum had also left her a lovely letter telling her to use the money for something fun, and telling her how much respect she had for her.

DD used the money for a few things but notable £4500 on a piece of art for her new flat, some jewellery, paying a friend to paint her old snowboard to hang in her new flat and then some has gone towards her snowboarding trip in February.

I think this is exactly how his mother wanted the money to be spent, these aren’t clothes that will be out of fashion in a year but legacy pieces she can hold onto forever. DH thinks it was frivolous, spoiled and privileged spending and putting £4500 on art and similar amounts on jewellery is ridiculous. He has now said he won’t talk to DD as his mother would feel the money had been wasted.

I think he’s been utterly ridiculous, she hasn’t pissed it all on drink or random clothes. I think she’s been quite sensible and was told to use it for fun!

AIBU to think DH is being a bit of a prick with his reaction!

Ok not quite the point I was making. What would you prefer?

Emotional abuse of her child?

Emotional abuse of his step daughter?

Emotional abuse of a woman.

You pick.

I'm a bit torn

Your DH is behaving poorly, but it does sound like she's been very spend happy and blown the whole 20k on quite frivolous stuff. She's spending like she's very wealthy

And while I appreciate it was fun money, she's living mortgage free and has a good job so saving isn't an issue I also would probably imagine more travelling type fun than loads of jewellery, and I think if I was grieving my mum it might grate to see large amounts of money she'd worked hard to earn being spent on a belly bar and necklaces

Equally though it's her money, and she can spend it how she likes

Hence the suggestion that cheaper jewellery and art and some in savings creating passive income would have been more appropriate

How does “savings creating passive income” count as using the money for something fun? Which is what the OP’s MIL specifically said in the letter. Plus it sounds like the young woman will have plenty of opportunity to save from her earnings, particularly with no mortgage.

Her service charge works out to less than £500 a month in London. She makes more than enough to cover this comfortably and spoke to others in the building about how much it was raised by each year, to make sure it would remain affordable.
The block is run by a board of directors elected by the leaseholders so there is a real system in place to stop it getting ridiculous.
She also has a second room and is considering getting a lodger for the room which would itself cover the service charges and then some.

I also think compared to say my nieces DD has spent her money considerably more carefully than they would have, I imagine they’d have got Cartier bracelets everyone has and spent the rest on nights out and clothes!
Im not really sure why art or snowboarding trips are classed as nouveau riche but okay I guess?
She did go to a large and prestigious US university on a sporting scholarship.

Of course that’s okay. So are boob jobs and tattoos. It’s entirely up to the individual to decide what they spend their own money on, it’s not like they need anyone else’s approval.

I spent more than that on frivolous things in my 20s tbf. I am admittedly ‘nouveau riche’, but I can assure you that ‘old money’ with access to liquid wealth are no less inclined to do the same (and not just on simple gold necklaces, btw).

Do you think he'd have been happy if she'd stuck it in an ISA? Genuinely.

The potential solutions going forward are completely different if the issue is a grieving man who feels like his mothers hard earned money has been wasted, or if the actual issue is that he doesn't think your DD should have been given anything and would be sulking regardless of what she spent it on

I think DD is in a bit of a place right now where she wants to advance her career so isn’t interested in travel. She did a year travelling after university and had a ball of a time but is now fully in the grind of making a name for herself in her industry. Not to mention her fathers family all live in Italy so any time she wants a little sunny get away it doesn’t cost more than a Ryanair flight.

£500 a month service charge? £6000 a year? Is that good for London?

Honestly I can’t tell, I think he’s a little bitter DD got anything but mainly this comes from his mother admitting before she passed that in the last year of her life she’d seen DD far more than her grandson (who lived 20 minutes away from her) and that hurt her. Now I think he feels like DD has somehow shown his DS up?

Good on your DD, she has a great eye for art! Henry Asencio is a wonderful painter whose value will only increase as the years pass. It's a great investment (and lovely to look at too)
I also think your DH is more than a little miffed at DD getting any bequest that 'took money away' from his DS, but he should think that they BOTH invested in their futures rather than blowing it on parties/clothes/funding others lifestyles.
Your DH is a right plonker, sorry, and the silent treatment is only going to show him in a bad light. Please ignore it and carry on the same with DD and his DS.

“How does “savings creating passive income” count as using the money for something fun?”

@Algen - because you can use the passive income to have fun with every year. So you buy some stuff but invest the rest and have fun with that. Like she could have put it towards her annual snowboarding trip for years to come.

Anyway, it all makes sense now. The elite US uni, the Central London lifestyle - those things have an effect on young people, in particular. The DH is just going to have to understand and get over it. It is done now.

I’d say about average, you do get some closer to £3000/4000 but these all had unpredictable jumps in cost, she also looked at a property where it was £10,000 and sent screenshots of some that were £12,000!

Sounds like he thought he had some control over the money, he didn’t.

Your daughter sounds fantastic..I hope you are shielding her from this ridiculous drama. As an older person who would say “don’t you dare spend it on dreary practical things” too…I think she smashed that spending …she sounds fantastic.

Brilliant

Well, his annoyance should be with his son. Your husband sounds really infuriating with this. I hope for your sake it's the grief. Otherwise he must be difficult to live with.

Your MIL sounds like a wonderful woman.

I dont think its any if his business how she spends it. Its not his money, its not even his mums money anymore.

Hes being a pig, but maybe being angry at her is easier than being upset about his mum. Give hos head a wobble

Your daughter sounds ace

one day she'll be prioritising other people and things. Maybe having kids and she'll be spending her money on their uniforms and fees and worrying and she'll be able to look at that lovely artwork and remember how fun it was to just enjoy that money for herself:

she's got all her bases covered why the hell not?!

It's fine for him to have an opinion on what she's done. He can keep it to himself though or mention it to you "off the record". It's not fine for him to sulk and refuse to speak to her because she hasn't used the money how he thinks she should have. It was hers to spend how she wished. A lot of people her age might have blown it all on coke and alcohol, she's been far more sensible than that.

Agree with PPs, she does seem far more mature than your DH does. I hope he gives his head a wobble soon, life is too short to fall out with people because they made different choices. His own son made choices about seeing his GM or not, yet he's not been criticised for that.

A friend of mine bought an 800k house outright in his 20s. How lucky you think, but I’m sure if you asked him he’d prefer to have been an awful lot older when he became an orphan

OP your DH is no doubt twisted in his thinking by grief, but he is coming off jealous and petulant. If your DD lived with you and spunked £20k on art he’d have a point, but she seems to be in an excellent position already and has followed the instructions that came in the letter (and much more wisely than I, who at a similar age spent almost £1000 of an inheritance on a single day at a beach club - but my what a memorable day with my best friends).

This is a really good point and one I agree with completely.
SO MUCH money is spent on what is really just a big 'party', often when they can't really afford it. So stupid.
This young woman already has herself set up well, with her own property, savings and a good job. Spending the 20k in that situation is completely different to blowing through it with bills, debt no future planning.
I will never have that kind of money, my children will never have that kind of money and lifestyle but it doesn't mean I have to begrudge anyone else having nice things and money for 'fun'
Someone asked if it would be ok for someone to spend the same on a boob job and tattoos. Absolutely, if they were in the same position as the OPs dd and the money was 'extra'. If you are self supporting, well paid and sensible about planning for the future, why the fuck shouldn't you spend money on things that make you happy.

Anyway, OP, I had not heard of that artist, not surprising because I am not particularly knowledgeable about art, but gosh, I love his pieces and I can imaging the joy of having something so beautiful to look at every day. It won't decrease in value so great use of funds if you ask me 😊

I think I know the woman in question here! Except it’s not ‘peach’ is it, it’s a ruby belly button piercing.

Good on your dd. She sounds a lovely sensible girl. She has a home, good job, nice things. Pension and savings. At her age that's brilliant. Tell your dh to grow up and perhaps if his son had spent more time with his gran he might have got a bit more.

Silly man.

She has already done the wise thing buying a property and it is perfectly fine to spend this additional money doing and buying things that are more fun.

Ultimately it is her money so she can do whatever she wants with it.

Your daughter hasn’t done anything wrong, she can always sell the art if she needs more savings later.

The crux of the issue right here. It wouldn’t matter what she spent it on. He’s resentful of their close relationship.