DH has fallen out with my DD, because of how she spent her money

[Gianam]

So first of all, I know my DD is in an extremely privileged position, she knows this too.
DD is 25, she was just able to buy a flat with inheritance from her paternal grandparents, no mortgage so she’s set up really well, she didn’t have much left from the inheritance after this and all the associated costs but she felt like it was worth it to have a place that was really hers.

My DH isn’t DDs dad, but when his mum passed away she left DD £20,000, obviously DD didn’t expect anything at all in this situation. His mum had also left her a lovely letter telling her to use the money for something fun, and telling her how much respect she had for her.

DD used the money for a few things but notable £4500 on a piece of art for her new flat, some jewellery, paying a friend to paint her old snowboard to hang in her new flat and then some has gone towards her snowboarding trip in February.

I think this is exactly how his mother wanted the money to be spent, these aren’t clothes that will be out of fashion in a year but legacy pieces she can hold onto forever. DH thinks it was frivolous, spoiled and privileged spending and putting £4500 on art and similar amounts on jewellery is ridiculous. He has now said he won’t talk to DD as his mother would feel the money had been wasted.

I think he’s been utterly ridiculous, she hasn’t pissed it all on drink or random clothes. I think she’s been quite sensible and was told to use it for fun!

AIBU to think DH is being a bit of a prick with his reaction!

Not so unusual that it merited your snide insinuation that the OP's daughter was earning her money in an inappropriate way.

@nomas I totally get that. I’m from a working class background,

Almost everyone is from a working class background...

our school’s career coach never even told us about graduate schemes, let alone that the best graduates could command high salaries. He had zero aspirations for us students.

Our school didn't have careers advice.

@Gianam All I’m going to say is you are underestimating how much a young person who’s doing their training contract at a magic circle firm in her second year is making, and how much that will jump by in less than a year too!

Must be nice being privileged. That would never have been possible for me, because I don't benefit from nepotism or cronyism.

Or you just weren’t intelligent enough to get that kind of job.

Seriously, what is your issue with this young woman who is clearly doing well for herself? If you are dissatisfied with how your life has turned out, do something to change it,

@Algen Or you just weren’t intelligent enough to get that kind of job.

It's not a matter of "intelligence." Getting straight As and a 1st class honours degree is easy for anyone who does the work. I did it and found it easy.

Surely you have enough life experience to know that the people who get the high paying jobs are not the most intelligent people? They are the people who have the best interpersonal skills, who are the best at managing people (both within the organisation and external), and who are the best at controlling meetings. Nothing to do with intelligence as such.

A different type of intelligence, which is just as valid.

And not to do with cronyism / nepotism, or whatever else you want to accuse this young woman of benefiting from.

You really don't like the fact a young woman is doing well for herself. Very bizarre

Would you like some salt for the chip on your shoulder, or have you already seasoned it?

Lol. People don’t get into, and stay at, a magic circle firm based on who they know. Be fucking serious.

Jewellery and a piece of art are things that can be treasured forever.

Invested In art that she loves, (both “the” art and her snowboard) jewellery (if it’s gold, will hold value) and travel. Fun and pretty sensible, and none if his business. Is he upset he didn't get the money?

And apparently you’re completely out of touch with what OP’s daughter and others like her earn.

Mumsnet isn’t just for ‘the normal (average) person’, it’s also for those from wealthy backgrounds who are as free to post about their own life and experiences as anyone else.

Mumsnet itself was created by privileged’ upper middle/middle class women, and primarily attracted users from the same socioeconomic class. This is still reflected in the demographics of the site, despite the fact that it has become more economically diverse as it’s grown.

I think your DD sounds a wonderful young woman. She’s not gone on a bender in Ibiza but spent the money on things that bring her joy. Hopefully when she looks at them she thinks of your MIL and the fun times she had. It’s bog all to do with your DH how she spends the money.

There's not enough info to go off to say the art was an investment. My dad bought a painting off my cousin for a LOT of money. It's worth nothing.

Good on her - she’s young.
My 24 yr old has just bought her first apartment, she had an apprenticeship degree which paid her uni fees plus a very good salary.
My 20 yr old was headhunted on his UCAS application form for an apprenticeship degree, and was offered employment full time without going to uni (already very familiar with coding, he taught himself how to code CGI and AI during lockdown). He now earns a 6 figure salary and travels the world, he saves a good portion of his earnings, but he has fun money too!
Your daughter sounds like she has a good balance!

You sound bitter. Nothing suggests OP’s daughter obtained her role through nepotism.

What a nasty little man you are being right now.

I have seen that poster’s history and it gives incel.

So his issue with an intelligent successful young woman with a bright future ahead of her becomes obvious.

Nonsense.

It’s absolutely none of his business what your DD spends her own money on. Once she received that money it was hers to do with as she pleased. It is lovely she carried out the wishes of her stepgrandmother but if she had given it to the cat sanctuary or paid for her boyfriend’s tattoos your DH has no say. Tell him to take his nose out of your child’s money.

@JHound Nonsense.

How is it nonsense? Go into any business or organisation and please tell me how many of the senior staff or management staff were people who worked hard at school and university.

The answer is very few: they are always average people who are very good with their interpersonal skills, how they lead, and how they control meetings.

The idea that those of us stuck in the middle on average salaries are people who didn't work hard, or weren't intelligent enough, is nonsense. I worked hard and my intelligence is high. But I have shit interpersonal skills and I don't show leadership. That's all it is.

Sounds like you could do with jewellery, an emerald piece maybe. Green is definitely your colour.

I don't wear jewellery.

Interpersonal skills are vital in almost all jobs and generally unrelated to your rather unpleasant previous assertion of nepotism. Perhaps you should work on those important interpersonal skills instead of running down people who do have them?

Yeah you’re looking at around £60k then £100k plus when qualified. Think she can afford to have had a little fun with her inheritance.

wondering what the OP’s DH is hoping to achieve by the silent treatment- it’s not like she’s going to return everything she has bought. Quite frankly she could have blown it all on a wild night out and there is absolutely nothing he could have done about it. It sounds like his mum would be horrified at his behaviour, not the daughters spending.

@MonGrainDeSel Interpersonal skills are vital in almost all jobs and generally unrelated to your rather unpleasant previous assertion of nepotism.

I know for a fact that I would have gotten previous jobs that I wanted if I had been closer to that particular group in university and been part of their crowd. Cronyism is a real thing.

Perhaps you should work on those important interpersonal skills

You can't work on them. You either have them or you don't. Some people are naturally charming and sociable. Other people are not.

Telling someone to just have good interpersonal skills is like telling someone to be good looking. You either have it or you don't. You can't modify it.

You can definitely work on interpersonal skills.
You choosing not to has more than likely impacted your success.
That's not the fault of OP’s daughter.