DH has fallen out with my DD, because of how she spent her money

[Gianam]

So first of all, I know my DD is in an extremely privileged position, she knows this too.
DD is 25, she was just able to buy a flat with inheritance from her paternal grandparents, no mortgage so she’s set up really well, she didn’t have much left from the inheritance after this and all the associated costs but she felt like it was worth it to have a place that was really hers.

My DH isn’t DDs dad, but when his mum passed away she left DD £20,000, obviously DD didn’t expect anything at all in this situation. His mum had also left her a lovely letter telling her to use the money for something fun, and telling her how much respect she had for her.

DD used the money for a few things but notable £4500 on a piece of art for her new flat, some jewellery, paying a friend to paint her old snowboard to hang in her new flat and then some has gone towards her snowboarding trip in February.

I think this is exactly how his mother wanted the money to be spent, these aren’t clothes that will be out of fashion in a year but legacy pieces she can hold onto forever. DH thinks it was frivolous, spoiled and privileged spending and putting £4500 on art and similar amounts on jewellery is ridiculous. He has now said he won’t talk to DD as his mother would feel the money had been wasted.

I think he’s been utterly ridiculous, she hasn’t pissed it all on drink or random clothes. I think she’s been quite sensible and was told to use it for fun!

AIBU to think DH is being a bit of a prick with his reaction!

@Gianam Inheritance money, so not really DD's money then...

@rosiebl Frankly your DD sounds incredibly sensible, most 25 year olds given £20k for something fun would go travelling. Artwork and jewellery are sensible investment pieces.

I suggest that you stop giving "investment" advice. The value of artwork and jewellery are highly volatile and unpredictable. Both assets are not easily converted to cash as it takes time to find a buyer. There's also the conflict between having something for sentimental value vs having it as an investment; your piece of art may go up in value, but you won't want to sell it if you become attached.

The most sensible investment for money is to simply shove it into a stocks and shares ISA.

It’s definitely peach sapphire! Maybe similar people but probably not my DD if it’s a ruby, I’ve heard peach sapphire so many times the last few months so I’m certain it’s that!

Of course it’s her money. That she received it as an inheritance doesn’t make it any less her money.

She’s already put £20k away in savings this year alone, and she may already have a healthy investment portfolio.

And how many of you spent 4.5k on art work when you were in your mid 20s?

Er me but I knew what I was doing and they’ve sky rocketed in value.

I think that given that your DD has her housing and job sorted in a way which means she is financially secure, she has done what her grandmother wanted, which is chosen things which she will enjoy and remember her gran by. I also think that the money passed from your DH’s mum to your DD and that it is not any of DH’s business what she did.

Honestly I can’t tell, I think he’s a little bitter DD got anything but mainly this comes from his mother admitting before she passed that in the last year of her life she’d seen DD far more than her grandson (who lived 20 minutes away from her) and that hurt her. Now I think he feels like DD has somehow shown his DS up?

So he's essentially punishing your DD for making effort with his mother? I'd be taking him to task for that.

If my DH was cutting my DD off effectively to hide from the fact she was closer to his mother, and made more effort than his son did, then I'd be wondering if my marriage would last.

I bet he wouldn't dream of thinking you should have any say over how your step-son spent any inheritance from your parents! I'd bet any money that is somehow different.

In practical terms you need to be sure he doesn't try to do anything to impact your relationship with your DD - if she's aware of what he's doing with the silent treatment is he making it awkward for her to visit you, for example? What about Christmas? Do you normally all spend it together?

i haven’t actually seen this side of him before and I’m hoping it’s just grief talking. DD is very confident and will just show up at ours anyway, talk anyway and if I know her she will make it so he feels more uncomfortable for not talking than she ever would. Luckily this year DD and I are doing a pre-Christmas trip then she’s going to her dads for Christmas so we won’t have an awkward Christmas but if she changes her mind and wants to spend it with me then my DH already knows that if I’m asked to pick I’ll always pick my child.

@InterIgnis She’s already put £20k away in savings this year alone, and she may already have a healthy investment portfolio.

That's simply not possible for a 25 year old. Even if someone is living mortgage free, saving £20k in 1 year is a colossal sum of money.

That money is coming from somewhere else, not her own work.

If your husband has debt at his age and needed to use an inheritance to pay that off I don't think he has any grounds to criticise your DD who has a mortgage free property, savings and was asked to use the money from your MIL for fun. She sounds like a great step grandmother. Your DH on the other hand sounds petulant and controlling. Maybe he is those things or maybe his bereavement has skewed his thinking. Only you know him so you know better than us. What is his attitude to finances like normally? Is he good with money and the debt is from an unfortunate life situation like redundancy or is he generally a spender?

I think his mum sounds so so kind and also great!!
im assuming she left him money to have ‘fun’ with too, if not he is probably jealous

I couldn’t stay going out with a man who was freezing out my offspring tbo

As someone who was in that position at 25, I can attest to the fact that it is indeed possible.

‘That money is coming from somewhere else, not her own work.’

And? So what? Again, that doesn’t make it any less hers.

That said, she has a high paying career in London, so it’s not at all unlikely that she earned the £20k she saved.

What nonsense. Of course it is perfectly possible for a high earning 25 year old with no mortgage costs to save £20k in a year. That is less than £2k a month which is probably the average London mortgage.

He's got some cheeky trying to lecture another young adult who owns her own home at 26 and he is using his mothers inheritance to pay down debt.
I would be seriously unimpressed by him.
He needs to have a hard look in the mirror.
Hard to believe he hasn't ever shown his petulant toddler side before.

@Gianam every time your DD looks at the artwork or jewellery she will remember happy times with your DP’s Mum. That’s the whole point of someone leaving ‘fun’ money. I’d love to know that was happening if I were in a similar position when I go (hope to leave something for my nephews and nieces). That’s what your DP needs to think of. Maybe he feels bad that DS wasn’t as involved with his Mum. Either way, not your fault, nor your DD’s.

It’s £1667/month.

A fairly average graduate scheme in London (i.e. not law / trading) I was looking at had a starting salary of £45k, which is around £3k per month net. So even on that, with no mortgage she could be pretty much saving £20k per year if that’s what she was prioritising and from what OP has said she’s in a high-paying job so likely to be on more than that.

I don’t understand why that poster doesn’t think it’s possible.

I do understand but in DDs case she went to uni abroad on a full scholarship so no uni debt, she doesn’t drive, doesn’t plan to drive, lives in an area where driving is just inconvenient compared to public transport, doesn’t need a deposit as already owns outright, works and earns well, is paying into her pension and well for wedding she’d have to be in relationship first, which she isn’t! Obviously savings can always be added to but surely at some point you have to live for today not always for a tomorrow you can’t even guarantee seeing? It would be awful if we always saved for tomorrow and life just passed us by in the meantime!

Absolutely with you and your DD on this. Your DD sounds lovely and has her head switched on whereas your DH is coming across as quite sissy tbh. I wish your DD well and I am sure she will live her life to the full, life is far too short.

If I’d left your daughter the money I’d be delighted with how she had decided to spend it, and all the more so bearing in mind how I’d asked her to use it.
As the OP says it hasn’t been frittered away and I agree with her that her OH is being a bit of a prick with his reaction. Perhaps he feels that his mother shouldn’t have left her (step) granddaughter anything at all in her will. If so, he would have been better to be the bigger person and keep his thoughts to himself rather than spoil the pleasure OP’s daughter has had in choosing what to buy with her unexpected windfall that his mother wanted her to enjoy spending and have fun with
.

20k is less than £1700 a month. Someone her age in London could very easily be spending that amount on rent every month.

Your dd sounds great, your dhs mum sounds great. To be kind to your dh, it sounds like he is having trouble facing the reality of some of his own son’s shortcomings and reacting badly to that. I hope he gets over himself.

Sounds fine. If he doesn’t want to speak to her, it seems like his problem. I’m glad she has no shits to give. He sounds like a jealous bellend.

Where do you think it's coming from? Why wouldn't a 25 year old with inherited wealth, limited responsibilities and a solid career not be ae to save circa £2k a month?

My thoughts are that he has a problem with your Daughter being in a better financial position than his Son.

He resents that your Daughter has the opportunity to experience a bit of fun, that in his eyes, his mother has paid for, whereas his Son can't and its his own grandma....

You definitely have a massive problem on your hands. If his attitude is to freeze out your daughter, ultimately he is freezing out you too as punishment and the longer this goes on for, the more it will grow.

You need to nip this in in the bud now, not at Christmas, but now. He either pulls his head in or trots off.

I totally agree with you, she’s not in any kind of stable wealth bracket to be spending £4.5k of inheritance on art and such frivolous purchases ,mortgage- free on a flat or not. It would make me sick to think my mother’s hard earned inheritance would go on that. Yes, I would spend a fraction of it on fun but to me, this is a disrespectful waste. I’m with your husband.

We know that she owns a flat in London outright, has saved £20k this year alone, has no debt, and is in a high earning career. She sounds like she’s in a great position to enjoy herself being ‘frivolous’.

His mother wanted her to spend on fun on frivolity, so it’s hardly disrespectful of her to do just that.