Waiter Asked for my Number

[Turducken]

Out for dinner with grown up daughter, at a fairly fancy restaurant, just the two of us. The waiter was friendly and perhaps a little over-familiar, but I didn't think anything of it, just assumed he was trying to be nice and/ or angling for a tip. However, when I asked for the bill, he brought it along with a pen and paper and asked for my number. I felt so awkward I couldn't get out of there quick enough and, although I tried to laugh it off, I'm still thinking about whether I should complain? On the one hand, am I overreacting because I'm very socially awkward, so others would be less bothered, or am I right in thinking it's inappropriate and I should say something, as it put a bit of a dampener on a pleasant evening?

You are mean. You weren’t approached by a strange man! He was a waiter who fancied you! What a shame that someone who is trying to meet people is going to have a complaint made about him. It’s your fault you’re socially awkward, not his. Get a grip and don’t be so unkind and try and get someone in to trouble! Really really mean! So mean! Nasty!

I think it is very unprofessional for him to ask for your phone number. I would mention something to the management and say it is not good for their image.

It is supposed to be a restaurant not a pick up joint. Perhaps he gets all.of his dates to though women customers

Looking on the dark side how do you know it is not part of some scam. Never give detailsthese days you don't need to. To people your hardly know.

Gosh I'd take it as a compliment! From what you say, the guy didn't harrass you, he did something old-school: ask a woman he finds attractive for her number. If you complain he might lose his job or get into trouble. It is a pity that this has made you feel so uncomfortable that it ruined your evening. It doesn't sound like he did anything weird or unpleasant.

Did you want to expand on what you meant by:

"Speaking as a bloke (is that still allowed? Can I do that??)"

As it happens, I don't actually think the waiter asking for her number was horrendous. But just because you find a woman attractive, you don't have the automatic right of taking the "opportunity". You do also need to consider the woman's feelings, and the appropriateness of the situation. You may not have meant it to read this way, but your comment almost suggests that you have a right to try your luck if you find a woman attractive.

And no, not every woman thinks that being hit upon is a compliment.

Putting a pen and a piece of paper on the table puts a woman in the awkward position of having to say no, sorry. And unfortunately, there's plenty of men who respond nastily if they are turned down. As women we are expected to "be nice" at all times - as you allude to in your post.

A better approach would have been for the waiter to put his number on the piece of paper. That would have removed the awkwardness and left it up to the woman whether to make contact or not. She wouldn't have been put in the position of having to refuse or say no.

I wouldn't have considered complaining as it wouldn't have bothered me that much. But I would have felt awkward - especially as the OP describes the waiter hovering nearby with other male servers. Not exactly what you want when you're just out for a meal with your daughter, tbh.

@Growlybear83 Since when has it become weird and socially unacceptable to ask for a woman’s phone number?!

I think women over the past 10 years have communicated on a continuous basis, absolutely clearly, and without any ambiguity, that they have a very strong dislike for men "approaching" them out of the blue to try to initiate something.

If you don't think that asking for a woman's phone number is socially unacceptable, then you either live on another planet, or you're one of these people who thinks that women only pretend that they don't like being approached (which is highly sexist, as it implies that women are inherently deceptive and manipulative).

How do you think most people started going out together before the internet took over the world?

I have no idea. I've only had one date in my life. But I don't need to know the answer to that question to know that approaching a woman out of the blue and asking for a phone number is not socially acceptable. Again, it is not something that I would ever do.

Women are not here simply to be viewed as an opportunity or give it a shot by men who happen to be attracted to the woman in the moment,. We don’t need to be the recipient of opportunistic approaches by men who see women as opportunities

Do sure! You will give them all something to laugh about. Orrrr, you could just get over yourself and move on with your life

More context needed @Turducken are you still married or in a relationship? Do you wear a ring and he still asked for your number? That could explain your discomfort.

The woman who thinks that men see women as a "walking orifice". What a phrase 😅

Had you stuck up a conversation with him and flirted or over familiar back I am not sure why he thought it was appropriate

I’m afraid you’re wrong about me on both counts. I don’t live on another planet - I live in London. I also don’t think that women pretend that they don’t like being approached by men they don’t know. I’ve never known a woman who would get wound up to the extent of some of the people on here if a man asked them for their number, especially at the end of a meal when they were about to leave. Most of my friends would be flattered, some wouldn’t, but NONE of them would react in the way that some people on this thread have done. I don’t think I would want to know anyone who would seriously consider reporting the waiter for his approach. But then Mumsnet isn’t really very reflective of the real world.

you make it sound like you are too grand for a pesky poor waiter to dare approach you.

Or, maybe she wanted to eat a meal with her daughter in peace and not expect people working there to put her on the spot and make her feel uncomfortable?!

The amount of posters on here saying they'd be flattered or 'wish' someone wanted their number...good for you, not everyone does.

I feel uncomfortable at the best of times when random men ask me for my number or ask me out when I've done absolutely zero to give them that impression, never mind when I'm having a meal with a child (adult or not).

It's easy enough to politely decline which I do. the thing that makes me uncomfortable is I feel I have to be overly nice/make up a lie because I don't know how they're going to react - maybe OP is the same.

All saying she's over reacting, why shouldn't she tell the restaurant then? Why would it get him fired if it's completely fine to do that?

Having said that @Turducken, if you think it was more him not realising it was wrong and a clumsy attempt at trying to put himself out there, I would probably send a message to the restaurant minus details of who it was, just I visited recently and a staff member asked me for my phone number. I'm not looking for disciplinary action as such, but would ask that you speak to staff to remind them what is appropriate in a work setting.

Things like this DO affect businesses and the manager deserves to know, but depending on whether he was being creepy and not just thoughtless would determine whether I wanted the manager to know exactly who it was.

@Growlybear83 I’ve never known a woman who would get wound up to the extent of some of the people on here if a man asked them for their number, especially at the end of a meal when they were about to leave.

Then you simply have not listened to many women. Why not see what young women are saying about the topic online? They're not saying they want men to come and talk to them- they're saying they want men to leave them alone!

It's also worth mentioning by the way that asking for a woman's phone number is "pick up artist" behaviour. If you don't know what a pick up artist is, or how unpleasant they are, then please do a bit of reading around the topic.

And the answer is no. Do you really want to get him into trouble? Just let it go and maybe even be a bit flattered.

With respect (and I mean genuine respect) you use 'we', implying that you speak for everyone, whereas the overwhelming response on here would seem to support the view that not everyone would be offended and, in fact, quite the opposite.
I retract my use of the word 'opportunity' as it implies the chancing of one's arm and, as such, is disrespectful.
We can't know for sure whether this waiter was a 'player' or if his actions were simply those of a decent fellow who simply asked.

Personally I would never wish to cause offence to any woman.
(And yet, somehow, here I am doing exactly that by expressing a view.)
Perhaps we could chat about it over dinner? I know this lovely little restaurant.

Don’t listen to the others on here who find it ok . It’s not ok. You were with your daughter, eating alone - so he thought he’d take a chance as you were clearly without a man, to try to take advantage of that fact. It’s highly inappropriate and yes absolutely I’d be calling his manager and tell him to advise him this isnt correct.
just because he didn’t harass you in the restaurant doesn’t mean he wont at a later date.
I feel it’s an affront to your dignity and you shouldnt be harassed like this just because you chose to eat alone with your daughter. It’s wrong on every level and yes you must report him.
I dont suppose he was English because that isnt usually how English guys operate. He sounds like a chancer so report him. These creeps have to know our cultural barriers

😂 😂

Some of her more insane postings were deleted from the other thread. I felt so bad for her poor husband, who she clearly only used as a sperm donor.

That happened to me years ago. He stalked me then for years. I had to.have him arrested.

Words fail me, honestly. Holding a door open for a woman, is that still allowed? Giving flowers? Pass a note? No?
"Asking for a number is socially unacceptable"...sorry but I find this really really sad. Poor blokes. Are women not strong enough to say "no thanks" anymore?

Go back reread your own post look at the tone that you’ve used,oh it’s hard for a bloke to approach women, take the oppurtunity, and the classic be kind . To be clear women do not need to be kind to men making opportunistic approaches. women do not need to be made to feel that they need to be nice or need to acquiesce and accept every opportunistic approach.

Finally , If you’re going to reproach me on some point of grammar, Do go back and make sure that you address every other woman that also uses We or women and tell her that her opinion is a not collective one . Tell her it’s an individual point of view not a collective representation

Of course you shouldn’t complain! If you weren’t happy (although goodness knows why), then you should have said something there and then. Why risk his job?

What DID you say to him at the time??

Bless you. 🙂

poor blokes?. Yes poor confused men
You’re parroting incel lines now

@Realjournal123are you serious???

some of the responses on here make me want to weep