To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

I didnt want yo be a mother, even discussed it with my partner before we married. But accidents happen and I got pregnant. It messed up my career BUT didnt have to keep the baby, I chose to and my exh was happy I was pregnant. Never resented my kids, just needed more than being a mum and wife.We had another child couple years later and I never got to the level I wanted but did get back into management some years later. So she doesn't resent her kids probably, like me, needed more than being a mum. Her kids are in their teens and in couple years be doing their own thing without a care about parents jobs/careers. So she wants to improve her job status and do something she's put on hold for years, why shouldn't she?

Can I ask what I said that made you respond this way? Do you honestly think men do the same amount of mental load and intuitive parenting that most woman do? If so it’s strange as on here and in real life most woman are burnt out and moaning that they do most of it

You haven’t said whether your DH is supportive of this idea or has just simply said he/they are staying put.

I think was more than "being a bit bored". If you are truly unhappy at work, you can't just "manage your emotions". It's a huge part of your life.

Also, not everyone is "moderately wealthy". You can't really make up ground after the kids leave home. I think what realistically happens then is people go "it's not worth it, retirement is too close".

I think my answer would be different if OP was actually planning on "working away". She's not. Doing a masters can be very different to working.

Good morning,
I do find some womens perspectives fascinating. Some are very double standards.
And very stuck in the stereotypical 'womens role' way of thinking. If this had been a man (dad) talking about this everyone would be behind him talking about how he's doingvan amazing thing for the betterment of himself and family. However, because you are a women(mother) how could you possibly consider it what about the housework! Which is rediculous. This is a modern time which a lot of families have equal roles. Or even in my case I'm the bread winner working and do8ngvanother degree and husband works part time and does the lions share of the housework (I like to cook).

I'm a similar age and we need to do this for ourselves, work out your logistics. There's video calling throughout the week and you'll be home weekends and holidays which are more than 1/3 of the year together.
I'm an ex military family (husband is now retired hence part time) and he was away 50% of the year with no contact sometimes (and the nay sayers on here probably wouldn't bat an eyelid at that because he's 'the dad' ).

Children are very adaptable, so longs they are well cared for and know they are safe and loved that's all that matters. Just make sure you communicate well with them.

Go for it, and well done for being an amazing mum that wants to better all your lives xxxx

Good luck either way!

Why would a twelve year old “be crying themselves to sleep” because their mum is away for a couple of nights?

Do you think forces children, or children of shift workers, or children of men with “big jobs in London” who get home after bedtime, are all crying themselves to sleep every night?

DH does a gym class two evenings a week and gets back after DS’s bedtime, should I tell him to pack it in before DS is scarred for life?

And the fact that another persons feelings were invalidated by the comment

Absolutely agree

I think you have 'mum guilt' but, another perspective is that if you will be 60 when you graduate that is veering towards retirement. You may feel very differently about carrying on working at that point, even if you do not you will have just seven years left in work to rise up the ranks. So really, if you want to do this it does need to be done sooner rather than later. Don't wait until you will be that 60 year old graduate.

I had a very successful career both before having our children, and again, in a different field, afterwards, but that took sacrifices on both sides.

However, by the time I was 60 I had had enough and wanted to retire and travel and do all the other things which I had been unable to do earlier in life. I just changed almost overnight from being a driven career woman to wanting to slow down and pursue a life not governed by someone elses clock.

Worth thinking about?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

@CheltenhamLady I think the OP has said she is currently late 40’s so would presumably be hitting 50/51 when she graduates, if she waits until the children have flown the coop then she would be too late to make the most of a career change.

Yes, that was my point. Do it sooner rather than later.

I am all for chasing your dreams, but I still very much needed my Mum at the age your kids are, and I would have found it really hard if she was away a lot. The course will still be there in a few years. I'd delay it a bit until the kids are a bit older. Is there something else that could fulfil you in the meantime? A new hobby? Training in something similar but closer?

I feel sad for you if you chose a partner who does not share the mental load and who you could not trust to parent effectively.

I honestly believe that an adult man should be able to take care of his home and his children for part of the week to support his partner to achieve goals outside of being a mother.

I find it sad that the way parenting is ‘distributed’ between parents is such that many people feel they'd have struggle wo their mum because they needed her.
And no mention of the father, how he could have supported them just as well etc…

There is nothing to be guilty about wanting to improve yourself and potentially becoming a higher earner. My Dad did exactly what you are wanting to do when I was about 11. It was a totally positive thing. He got a big boost in his self esteem, My Mum was really proud that he wanted to better himself but also felt good for being able to handle it. My Mum and I became much closer as your kids will with him (I think( . All round a positive experience for everyone. The most important is to get DH on board 101% .......................

I didn’t say my partner doesn’t share the mental load, I said most men don’t and most woman have naturally a more instinctive need to nurture their children.

If people all stayed the same, in the same jobs, same house, same everything and never explored something new, because they thought continuity was all, and change should not happen, it would not help the children grow and understand what is expected of them when they grow up. Showing them how to live in the adult world is part of parent's responsibility, and if the OP has the chance to show her DC that they should strive to improve themselves after they grow up, it is a good thing.

Have you ever had the chance to look at a stagnant pond.

We are horrified at volcanoes and earthquakes, but they are part of nature, to constantly change the earth.

Same with climate change.

If nature stood still, would the earth be the better for it?

Rubbish.

Back in the 1940s my grand father coped as the main parent (while working) as my grandmother was away doing teacher training for two years. My mother was 8/9 and coped perfectly well, just as she did aged 6/7 while her father did his teacher training (post war schemes to address the teacher shortage).

My mother wasn't scarred for life by either of them being away a lot. Nor was she affected by her mother being away compared to her father.

And this was before it was possible to Facetime, or even telephone regularly.

She was in a safe, predictable environment, and knew why her parent was away. When they were home they were fully present. School and her every day routine continued. It was completely normal, and she knew the absent parent would be back.

'Most' men don't share the mental.load because they don't have to if the mother constantly does it. FFS, as a single mother I would quite happily give up the mental load if I had someone constantly stepping in to carry it for me. Especially if I had a 'get out of jail free' card that told me it was 'natural' for this other person to be better than me at it. Also would be happy to let a mythical partner do more than their share of housework, if i could get away with it...

I agree.

In a few years, high school demands will be ramping up, so she can't put it off by a few years.

You don't do a (work related) Master's if you expect to retire within the next ten years. It's just not worth the time / energy / money. So she can't put it off till after the kids have finished school.

It's now or never.

Again, I disagree that most men don't share the mental load. But I appreciate that you may see it that way if you have an inadequate partner.

As for this: "most woman have naturally a more instinctive need to nurture their children"

Can you share any research that backs up this statement? Because it just sounds like a stick used by society to beat women.

I'm trying to find it but I'm reasonably sure that the drive to nurture is driven by oxytocin and that women produce higher levels of that than men. This doesn't, of course, mean that men can't or don't nurture children, particular their own, as well as women.

But try taking a new born baby into a big office with a significant proportion of men and you'll soon see the difference in the drive to nurture, which I feel is so huge it can't be explained simply by culture.

Is there a human society anywhere in the world where men are routinely the primary care givers (aside from breast feeding, obviously! ) ? If the drive to nurture was equal you would expect to find at least one somewhere.

When you find evidence that there is an innate biological predisposition for women to be "more nurturing" than men, and that it is not due to societal conditioning, please share it.

Seriously? Most of these threads on here are woman complaining of being burnt out and doing most of the mental load. I see it every day with woman I work with and family members. Again I am not talking about my partner so unsure why you keep bringing it up. I did not have a maternal instinct until my children were born and the hormonal impact hit me like a ton of bricks. My partner took them to the shops after a couple of days and I was pacing the floor, my breasts would leak when he started crying. This didn’t happen to him. Why is it so many men have walked away from their children too? We can agree to disagree but I don’t think ignoring differences and ignoring how woman are now working and doing most of the mental load and childcare is helpful to females