To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

Yeah but it's easy for you or I to say 'meh'.

This is the OP's family life and she obviously really needs to think it through.

Is it 5 days a week in college? If there is some independent study element you may well find you can do it on 2/3 nights away most weeks. Then holidays, you may be away much less than the ‘headline figure’.
I’d do it and I’d support my wife to do it.

It depends on your children and your DH. I couldn't leave mine, especially at that age. Mine were going through puberty at that age and needed a lot of emotional support which DH wasn't as strong with. I think mine would've been very angry with me but that's just my family, every family is different.

Overly dramatic?
Were you raised in a similar way with your parents away for months at a time?
If not, I couldn’t care less about your opinion.

I think a lot depends on the family finances and the impact on the children’s quality of life. Even though the course is well funded that won’t cover an extra rent, bills, travel and the loss of the part time job wages.

Not overly dramatic at all.

I just think that poster is overly dismissive.

You gave up your career to raise the kids and he worked sway, but he won't contemplate moving closer to where you need to go to uni?

The only reason I'd let that go is I wouldn't want to move the kids, so it makes no real difference, except knowing what a selfish twat he is.

i dont think its ideal, but life often isn't & you just have to make the best if it. Regular FaceTime with the kids, them
havinv (licked down!!) phones they can message you on. Being home as much as humanly possible & finding z good balance if family time v study time.

Can’t imagine wanting a job over your growing kids. They’ll be off your hands soon enough anyway.

You have prioritised his ‘needs’ - kids, working away for his career, location. Now it’s time to prioritise yours. Did he ever express any guilt over or even acknowledge that his needs were being prioritised?

If you can afford it and your DH is onboard with picking up the slack at home then I think it makes much more sense for you to be away from home midweek in term time for a couple of years than to uproot your family and move them all closer to your uni (which seems to be something you contemplated).

And it’s important to get your career back on track. That’s not an entirely selfish thing. Your kids and DH will be better off if you’re more financially stable. But even if it were, it’s okay for this to be your turn to have things be sacrificed for you for a while. Your DH has had you sacrificing for him for years. It isn’t supposed to be entirely one way.

I wonder if you don't do this will you end up resenting your husband for not supporting you as much as he might?

Slightly different but I put myself through uni at 36 as a lone parent with a 9 year old. I also worked full time hours. I don't know how I did it, but I loved it and qualified in my chosen profession after a postgrad year plus 18 m on the job.

Follow your dream Op, you'll love it. My son says to me what a great role model I was ❤️

I wouldn't do it. I think, given their ages, this is a really important time that they have your support and you're there for them. You're on the cusp of teen years, get the relationship wrong now and it is unlikely to ever recover.

I know people will say men do it all the time and they do. But I know I wouldn't want that for my family.

I think, provided your DH is onboard and you can work out some of the practicalities, you should go for it. Short term pain for long term gain that the entire family will benefit from.

Between the ages of 8 and 13 I would only see my Dad from late Friday evening to early Monday morning, as we were living in the Midlands whilst he had to commute to his job in Manchester and, during the week, sleep on my Auntie’s couch in Liverpool. Yes, he did miss out on a big chunk of us growing up (which I know he now regrets) but him and I have since become extremely close and I wasn’t in any way damaged by only having my Mum around doing the raising/heavy lifting most of the time. Provided your DH is a loving, present and capable parent, I think you’ll manage fine. And as PP have said, Uni terms are relatively short so the absent time won’t be as much as it initially seems.

Finally, well done you for this achievement. I’m coming to the end of an MBA and, on top of a FT job and the demands of normal life, it is hard work….but it’s worth it and a huge personal and professional accomplishment! Best of luck!

Go for it - everyone will adapt.

I wouldn't do it. Those ages are very impressionable, and I found that my children really needed me as they transitioned into teens- that time set the intention of the kind of parent/child relationship going forward.

Forgive me for saying this OP, but you do sound in your OP as if you're not really taking responsibility for the decisions you made in the past, and blaming your unhappiness on the fact that you went along with prioritising your husband's wants. The way you talk about the fact that you had kids, for example, feels very resentful. I think it might be helpful for you to think about that resentment and own the fact that you are responsible for the decisions you made. You decided to have kids, and you decided to put his career first; that's not all on him.

Maternal guilt is very real and evident in some of the advice you are receiving. In your circumstances I would absolutely do this. It’s not forever, you can come home as much as possible at weekends and unis have long breaks. You can FaceTime the kids and check in with them regularly via WhatsApp to stay present in their lives. Evenings after work/school are short, dinner/homework/tv so you are not missing too much.

No i wouldnt do this and if a poster on here mentioned a man wanting to do it they would be ripped apart

I couldn’t do it. My children are used to one of us being away for a night or two once maybe twice a month, however any more than 5 days and they really start to struggle. I am on my way home from being away and apparently the last few days they really haven’t settled on a night and have been getting upset at little things that wouldn’t normally bother them. I couldn’t imagine doing it more frequently

Why on earth would a man wanting to do this be ripped apart though? My DH used to work away Mon-Fri, every single week for 15 years until March 2020.

There are others who are away in the military.

As long as the parent at home with the children is agreeable, I don't see why the person going would be ripped apart for it. They aren't doing it to be selfish, they are doing it to enhance a career which will benefit the family.

It would be a different story if they wanted to go off travelling on their own for 2 years! But a uni course that will really help the career (and not a mickey mouse course), I don't see the issue.

Personally, I wouldn't leave my children to do it though, but I was massively maternal and really really really wanted children and to be with them all the time!

Are you from the Netherlands?

This. Personally I would never leave children this age as emotionally I feel they need their mum. That’s just me though.

Hmmm. You agreed to have TWO children. You agreed to give up your career - which is totally unnecessary and unusual for a woman having children 13 years ago, so unless you were coerced into it some part of you must have actively wanted it.

It seems a bit unfair you’re now using those decisions you made as justification for having your own way now. I don’t think those perceived sacrifices should be part of the equation really.

Having said that, I think you may have to find a way to do this course to avoid the resentment you already feel getting further embedded.

Some things to consider. Is your DH a good and truly equal parent? What would it actually be like for your DC to be in his sole care most of the time? Do you already have a really good, strong relationship with your DC? And what’s the absolute minimum time you could be away? You say “mid-week” but is that Mon-Fri?

I don’t think it’s an outrageous dream but so much depends on the specifics.

No I wouldn’t. I did a MSc with young kids but wouldn’t live away for it. I’m afraid you’re dealing with the fall out of choosing SAHM over a career, there’s no short cut to getting that back. Wait until your kids are older, don’t ditch them during the precious pre-teen or teen years.

But OP won't be away for months at a time, so it's not the same. OP might only be away 3 nights per week or less, and only during term time. Easier than shift work!

Except OP already detailed how she sacrificed her career already to do much of early child rearing and DH spent a lot of time working away during their formative years and so she’s done solo parenting as well. So if a man had done all that prior to this ask, I highly doubt anyone would be ‘up in arms’.