To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

Lots of men work away from home Monday- Friday, so your point isn't really very accurate. It probably comes down to whether both adults are happy with it.

From a practical point of view, they will be fine. From an emotional point of view, honestly probably not. I'd say the same if it were a man.

We live in a culture where people put their own needs, before those of their children. This isn't how I was bought up, and as a result I tend to think of it as a negative thing. I have always lived by the ethos that your life is your own until you have children, but once you choose to have them, you have to put them first until they are adults themselves. I don't think it matters whether or not you especially wanted any; you could have chosen not to marry your husband and remain childless. HOWEVER, I know not everyone thinks the same as me, and plenty of people see no reason not to put their own needs first. So I suppose it depends on your own, personal values and neither is necessarily wrong. I think it's disingenuous though, to just say "The kids will be fine, actually it'll be good for them for x, y, z reason". Comes across as something the person putting themselves first, says because they would prefer for it to be true.

Agree. I think you should do it. Plus the children are 10 and 12 so at an age where they can adapt and it will be good for them to see you as a positive role model, pursuing your dreams.

So, I worked away Mondays to Fridays for 6 years when my kids were young. My OH did the daily grind. It's doable, provided everyone, including the children, is supportive and understands what it means to you, to them and to the family...now and in to the future.

Every individual situation is unique in its complexity. Make sure you know your priorities across key elements, agree what constitutes an emergency (e.g. if a child is ill, etc.), contingencies, etc. Communication and teamwork will ensure this is as successful for your family, as it is for you.

I personally wouldn't do it. I took on a really stressful role when my youngest was 10 with a long commute. I switched to a less well paid more local role after a year as I could see how much he was missing me. I was around but always tired.

It wasn't Mum guilt - it was the reality. Our relationship really suffered and I had to prioritise him.

OP's situation is entirely different as only one parent will be away part of the time and the other one will be home all the time as OP's husband WFH!! 🙄
In my mind there is absolutely no doubt that OP should snap up the opportunity she has been given and follow her dream and she also mentions that previously DH worked away from home for some time so what's good for the goose etc etc?! 😊

YANBU, go for it and good luck.

No, they wouldn't. Plenty of men work away, armed forces for one.

I've seen so many posts here from parents who say they get home around 7 during the week and past the bedtime for small children. Not much different, is it?

I know someone who left a husband and two small kids to do a PhD, lived with me in the halls as mature student ..she couldn't stand the fact she is just a housewife....not sure what happened to her

I also know someone whose husband came home on Saturday night only and went not sure where on Monday morning

And I know a family of marines who took turn each to he for 6 months at sea

As a woman well on her way to the role she wanted when she got pregnant I'd say do it now when you have a second chance. My exh wanted kids, the pregnancy was not planned but it happened. My career was put on hold as my exh was no help at home/with childcare and the role was too much with the extra responsibilities. Had second child whilst at a lower level in my chosen career as had to step down and carried on with life, work, kids etc. Kids got married etc and I decided to get a divorce. Fast forward to now, retired, remarried and happier than I have been for years. Don't resent my kids but do resent losing the position I had through lack of support from my spouse. Your kids are not little, you will not be away for 2 whole years and the benefit to you will benefit them in the end. Do it, while you have the chance. In 5+ years time your kids will be out doing their thing and won't give you a second thought. Grab it now, life is too short.

Everyone has commented with all kinds of opinions and perspectives for OP, but I noticed this comment and was curious about what prompted this question about whether the OP is from the Netherlands...? What in the OP's post is suggesting she's from/in the Netherlands @Unrealnotunrealistic I have no idea whether she is or not from the info in her post (Mumsnet is obviously majority British and this seems most likely since OP didn't include her location in her OP but she could be in a different country). Would her masters and career direction would have more likelihood of successful career prospects in the Netherlands?

Unless this was a wrong thread question of course!

Men do this all of the time, to be honest, go for it… !!
Get the kids onside and good luck with everything.

I met a lovely lady Consultant on the train once, her family were grown, but she commuted and lived with extended family during the week in London, before returning home for the weekend.

It can be done.

When my mum was 50 she decided to retrain as an Educational Psychologist.

She got a place at Newcastle University - every Sunday night she would leave and come back Friday night.
My dad (who can’t make toast) survived and my 2 sisters and I survived, she qualified and December last year was awarded her PhD at Manchester University

The point I’m trying to make (badly) is that you must do what you want. It’s your life too.

Yes I would this isn't about being a female although let's face it with the masses of publicity about menopause and affect on brains it doesn't exactly help us appear an attractive option in our 50s. What you are describing of people being promoted in their 50s is different to starting on a path in your late 40s/ early 50s.

Whether male or female choosing to study a masters in late 40s to try to enter a career path they haven't been on before at the sacrifice of time with family, risking their marriage through lack of presence and leaving the part time job they enjoy - yep would absolutely not advise it.

I don't know what profession the OP is in but I am an architect and partner in my practice and my husband a surgeon. Neither of those professions would welcome in a newly qualified person in their late 40s over a person late 20s / 30s. Entry level roles which seems to be where the OP is pitching go to young people. Whether that is fair or not, right or not isn't the debate. I'm just explaining my experience and basing my advice on that.

It's her lived experience, who are you to say it's overly dramatic...

She said he was supporting her doing the course, but not moving 3 hours away, I think that is fair enough, why would you uproot teenage children from their schools for a 2 year course? Letting her commute is the sensible solution for me.

Your boys need you. No way would j leave my 2 all week.,not unless my dh was literally superman. Is he superdad? Can he do everything? House, admjn, kids etc? I would wait till they've finished y11.

And just think no hunting school holiday care. Although you will have revision to do. Go for it . You will all soon find your new steps and there is a chance you will finish early domestically Fridays etc

It won’t be easy but it is not impossible. You can come home at weekends and for the holidays. Do it now while you are still young enough to benefit.

Go for it!!!!

Yes plenty of men do work away but ask Mumsnet to comment when they are contemplating it and the overwhelming response will be that he is being selfish.

But fine for a bloke to do it!! Which century are we in now?

Would you be saying this if OP was their father rather than their mother?