To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

Don’t live with regret for the rest of your life, do it!y

Nope

I think this is a bit unfair given that parents also need to put a roof over their kids heads and many parents work jobs close to home that leave them with very little time with their kids and its a needs must situation.

I think personally op I'd struggle but it sounds like you are already struggling so I think it's a toss up between kids seeing their mum resentful, or seeing her striving and fulfilled.

I'd sit down and map out the logistics, the costs, the impact on family budget initially and then post qualifying and whether you can factor in extra help? I'd also look into whether it's possible part time over 4 years and if that might be a better middle ground?

I'd also look into if there is any possibility of studying remotely such as through OU or similar or if you'd physically need to be present for classes every day. I did a masters recently and almost everything was online so i only had a couple of classes to attend in the entire year.

I do think you need to weigh it up in the context of your family dynamics, how likely are your kids to go to dh if they have a problem? How likely are they to cope, how likely is he to cope? What support network is around you that will kick in to support one absent parent if something is needed quickly so you aren't affecting dhs job. I think your dh would need to also very clearly explain why he doesn't want you to do this.

A man wouldn't feel guilty. If he were my husband I would support him to achieve his dream, and we would keep up with each other's day most evenings.

Wow - ok, so, I've popped on here after a lovely weekend with the family and can't believe the amount of posts.
Amazing responses! Thank you!

Thanks for every single one, even the ones that sound like they want to erase a 100 years of women’s rights. Really, because reading objections like ‘why would you want to live like a man?’/ ‘As long as you sort out the housework etc’ makes me want to do it all the more.

That aside, it’s been inspiring to hear about parents who have done this. Of course, the first and foremost concern is the impact it would have on the children. And posts that raise that concern I can totally get behind.

I’m not doing this course for the sake of it and if there was ANYWAY of doing it online, or closer to home, of course I would do that in a heartbeat. It’s a real pain in the arse that I can’t, and I’m not doing this to ‘run away’ in any way from my family. (If I was, I don't think I would have bothered posting here). I am really lucky to have them and the ‘unhappiness’ from the original post is because it was never my dream to be a mother. It is a privilege, and I don’t take it lightly, but it just doesn’t fulfil me in a way it does for others. And, having read these responses, I realise that I don’t want to apologise for the fact I need something different aside from motherhood to make me happy. We are all built differently.

The course that I am considering carries accreditation, so you sadly can't do it online/ remotely. I have spoken to the professional awarding body and they admit there is a real gap in provision in West Wales (where I live).

I work part time in the profession as an assistant and I love it, I fully understand what the role is but the step up to being fully qualified only comes with retraining sadly. There are a few apprenticeships in England – not Wales. When fully qualified, the difference in salary is significant, so if I was a man, I guess you could reframe it as ‘bettering oneself and sacrificing two years of hard work to bring better prospects for my family’. But, I’m a woman and many have said I should wait until the kids have left home – I’d be 60 when I graduate. And I do want a career – not just a masters degree.

It’s utterly fascinating that stereotypes still have such a pervasive hold on us, how people judge us, but more on how I judged myself. Its been amazing to read so many responses and I think it’s really helped me think things through; I really need to be emotionally present for the kids and be very mindful about how we discuss it with them. And if its too much for them, I'll try and find an alternative plan. BUT also, I won’t be guilted into curtailing my life because I’m a mother. My husband and I are equal partners and our kids are well looked after, I guess the rest is up to us.

Thanks for the good luck messages, and for helping me to think things through - you are all completely inspiring.

That’s not a stereotype that’s been a fact that most men have been the breadwinners and sole earners and that’s why they have worked away. My point is wether it is a man or woman choosing to work away, it’s a very different choice when you are doing it to provide for your family or doing it when your family is already financially stable

Thanks for that, no part time/ remote options sadly.
Great points about family dynamics and, do you know what, I think we'd be fine. DH is very emotionally present and would happily be a stay at home dad if I earned enough. Posting this thread has helped me think things through and the more I read, the more I think this is right for us as a couple. Will tread carefully with the kids, and we'll see what happens. Thanks again

I have always been a full-time working mother, have traveled for work and did grad school when children were little, so I understand pretty well how hard it is to balance career and children. I also agree that many parents (usually men) make sacrifices as a family to better themselves and explain it that way to their DC

My one big concern is you don't know how your kids will handle it. That seems to show you're not really tuned into them emotionally or developmentally. If your DH has that tight bond w/ your DC (the kind a child needs to be healthy) then you being away may not be a problem. Personally, I've always known 100% how my being gone during the week would impact my kids. I think this one part, that you don't know instinctually how they will feel gives me pause. I'd make sure your DH DOES know this answer, and I'd defer to him on that point.

It is different in this profession, coming in later as a second career choice is very common.

I work at a place that doesn’t discriminate against age. I appreciate that many others share your view, which is quite depressing. It’s also illegal. I hope OP takes the opportunity she’s been given. She’s got another 20 years of working left, why shouldn’t she go for it? I have friends and colleagues who have done exactly what OP is proposing. They have supportive partners and kids that are proud of the mum’s achievements. The 2 years will fly by. It’s term time only, I honestly am astounded at the number of people suggesting it’s not a good idea.

The people I’ve seen be promoted, have been promoted because they have gained the additional qualifications.

I really hear you as someone who also lives West Wales area. It is not so easy to find apprenticeships in basically any jobs or even to find courses that will do some online, some in person.
I do find it to be a big gap and often have found it frustrating that if I lived closer to the border for example that I would be able to train in the career I would like.

I don't have a partner so for me it isn't an option but it sounds like you and your DH have a wonderful set up where he will be home and be able to support the DC, as you did yourself when he was away at work.

My own DS is 10 so I can imagine it may be a little bit fragile at first but ultimately you know your DC's the best and it sounds like doing this course will bring you more joy as well as the progression you seek.

Wishing you all the best 💐

I think you need to consider in this how you will manage if things change unexpectedly, for example if as is unfortunately common, either of your children have problems adapting to secondary school or hit a difficult patch with friendship issues or navigating the years ahead…they are both at ages where a lot can change quite fast. It might not, but a plan needs to be worked out for if it does…and if they are very vulnerable and distressed.

I don’t think it’s fine for men to do it unless it’s the only choice for them to make money

The kids are 10 & 12, they're not teenagers.
she said he supports her doing this kind of work, but what use is that if he's not supportive of what needs to happen to get the qualifications.

At 10 & 12, they're coukd move for a couple if years & be back or settled in elsewhere in time for exam years.

'Letting her commute'. WTAF???

I did something similar - So I took my dream job in a city 2.5 hours away (DH refused to move) and would commute there, stay 3-4 nights and then return home. My kids were 7-14 age range and I had the guilts too but I really needed the change and had come out of a horrible situation with a micromanaging manager who made my life awful.
At first my kids hated it so I left them treats (I made treasure hunts or had envelopes of clues with treats for them to find every day after school - sounds elaborate, really wasn't) and after awhile, it became routine and the kids loved the treats and on the occasions I forgot, they hardly noticed.
Ultimately, it was worth it. I needed the change, I loved the role and my kids were proud of me doing something adventurous and different, which I found was also really important for me to show my girls that 'mum counts too'.
I think when you are happier doing what you are doing, your kids will notice and it will make sense to them. If you can use your time away to do all your studies so you are really 'present and available' in the weekends, that will help it be a positive decision for your kids too.
All the best in your decision making!

I wish that my mum had done something like OP is proposing.

She tried to hide that she was unhappy / frustrated, but you can't hide that type of thing long term.

More financial / career stability for her would have benefited me in my later teen years.

Everyone deserves the chance in life to 'better themselves' - for want of a better phrase. I think you should go for it, because the chance may not come again, and your children can do without you during term time if your DH is working from home.

In two years they will be 12 and 14. They will still be some way off from their exams, when you will be able to spend more time with them and see them through those, and it gives them a chance to bond more with their father, and live by his rules when he is working at home.

If it doesn't work out in the first year, then put it down to experience, but if you never try, you may regret it and be unnecessarily miserable.

Personally theres no way that i would do this. I wouldnt be happy if my husband did it either!

my oldest childreb are in their 20s now and my youngest is 9 and im finding myself clawing on to every second with my younger children because i feel like i just took it for granted with my oldest.

BUT its really personal to you and your children so i dont think anyone can realistically tell you what the right choice is here.

I’d think this was selfish for a woman or a man because of equality. Are your children girls or boys? If girls then definitely don’t go. Is there also guaranteed employment at the end? If it’s NHS then there’s not a shortage of jobs depending on the area where you live. Most newly qualified nurses, SLT cannot get jobs.

Why did you give up your dream career when you had children? A lot of women go back to work after a year.

I did exactly this when my kids were 9 and 10. I agonised over it for months, went through crippling guilt, but eventually bit the bullet. The time flew by and although it was hard work, I loved it. This was 8 years ago now - my kids were and are fine (and passed the GCSEs with top grades). I’m also now earning a LOT more money and am happier than I’ve ever been.
Go for it. If your gut is telling you to, it won’t be the wrong decision 😊

Very well said. I too could never do this even now and they are a lot older. But I think OP is confident the kids will be fine and hopefully they will be.

Hi,
I studied when my DC was young and frequently had to spend nights away. DH was regularly away for days to weeks at a time (all carefully co-ordinated so no overlaps as we had zero family support).
The long-term impact on our DC was they appear completely fine, have always felt confident that mum/dad would return to them (their words, now late teens). I wonder if it also helped them be confident with sleep-overs and residential school trips from a young age. They just saw it as normal.
Bit of relevant background: I grew up with a brilliant professional mum, who did not conform to the gender stereotypes of the time, who regularly travelled for work. It was normal for me, and fine. So I was lucky not to bring any unhelpful stereotypes into, at least, this aspect of my parenting.
OP, you sound thoughtful and have considered your kids needs in this. No one can fully guess the road ahead, the twists and turns it may take. I say go for it. You have to live your life as well as being a Mum - and that is a great example to set your kids.

Plenty of men do this..how do you think they would all cope?

Do it! You only get one chance at life, kids have a father that is WFH, they are 10 & 12 and you’ll be home every weekend. You can FaceTime every night and be home for every school holiday which is loads. It’s two years not forever (Covid is nearly 6 yrs ago) that’s how much time goes quickly!
I speak as a woman who has just turned 60 dead end job but pays the bills, hubby I resent and two kids grown and gone living their lives. I wish I’d done more things for myself.

In these situations, I always ask, WWAMD (What would a man do).

A man would happily work away in London during the week for an excellent salary. In fact 2 of my DD's friends dads work away during the week.