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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH and kids to do this

634 replies

Youcannotbeseriou · 10/10/2025 23:56

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

OP posts:
NavyBee · 12/10/2025 19:21

I see many posters assume that you would be leaving the family for months at a time but that’s not the case. If your husband is willing to step up and be there for the children through the week then absolutely you should do it. Follow your dream and let your kids see that it is normal and good for a woman/person (but especially a woman) to do that and her husband (and family) to support it! Surely we have moved in from the days where the mother was the only competent parent and was expected to give up (or shrink) her ambitions outside of parenthood? My mother gave up a university career she loved when she had me - in the 1950s - and was a SAHM till I was 11 or so and then a school teacher. She was not a happy woman. I often wished she chosen otherwise (the university wanted her to come back part-time). But she felt it was her duty to be at home. We are not in the 1950s now.

Neeroy · 12/10/2025 19:23

Mine are that age and actually this is exactly the age I'm starting to get my life back. Away with work for up to 5 days every so often and they are all fine (bar the clothes washing...).

I'd say go for it. You've given up 'you' for his dream. Now it's his turn.

Holgen · 12/10/2025 19:26

Do it. You will be fine. The family will be fine. It will all be fine.

Jack80 · 12/10/2025 19:30

I would broach it with them and say remember when dad worked away, mum will be.

Endorewitch · 12/10/2025 19:34

If you were a man ,you would not be asking this question. Men do this sort of thing frequently. Your kids will grow up and leave home and you will bitterly regret not doing it. You say you are unhappy and unfulfilled now. You will be back for GCSE exams.
Your children will realize that a mothers career can be equally important as their fathers. As you are prepared to do this,I assume your husband can cook and do household chores. I would hate to think everything waiting to be done at weekends.
Go for it!!

Goditsmemargaret · 12/10/2025 19:34

I don't like that you've chosen to mention that your husband was desperate to have kids but you weren't bothered. They are here now, they are people.

No I wouldn't do what you have suggested. They are too young.

Wrenjay · 12/10/2025 19:39

I had the same choices in 1970s. Go with your career choice as it will never come again. If not you will always be resentful. Your children will move on and you will be left behind.

WhitePudding · 12/10/2025 19:43

My dh although he lived at home, worked very long hours/London visits when my children were small. It was basically like being a single married parent. He never made sports day, rarely parents evenings whilst in junior school, missed out on Christmas plays. It was hard for us all, we survived it but I think it affected my youngest, he just wanted daddy there. I personally couldn’t do it but everyone is different. Speak to your family, you never know they might be all for it. Good luck whatever you decide.

SpidersAreShitheads · 12/10/2025 19:51

A few questions that I can't see you've answered OP.

You say you work part-time so are you the one who currently does most of the housework, childcare etc?

When your DH was working away, were you also working full-time, as he is now? Or were you part-time then as well?

I see there are grants etc, will that cover all the extra costs? I think you said partial or not completely - can the family finances afford you to stop working and cover the extra costs?

Presumably you'll have to do quite a bit of study/work outside of attending your course, so have you factored in that even when home you'll also be largely unavailable?

I think there's a false equivalence in pointing to the fact that the OP's DH worked away. If she was only working part-time, that's much easier to manage children and the home single-handedly. She also wasn't responsible for being the sole breadwinner so if something happened with the kids, she wouldn't be risking their financial security if she couldn't work. I also think OP won't have much time when she is physically at home because you have to put in the hours of study, not just attend university.

It's not about wanting to stop a woman from achieving personal fulfilment, but when you have DC, it's not all about personal wants. There has to be a balance, especially when the DC are still relatively young and/or reaching a critical age. There aren't many careers where you have to travel such a long way to study - how about an adjacent field where you can go to uni and still live at home?

Like PP, I speak from personal experience too. My dad went away when I was in my early teens and I found it extremely hard. I think if it's something you've been used to all your life it might have been easier but my dad was the person I talked to and his sudden absence was really difficult. I also told my dad that it was OK and I didn't mind...

Squirrelintree · 12/10/2025 19:52

A lot of courses can be done online, or some of the lectures/classes can. Would this be possible at least some of the time? That could reduce the amount of time you would be away.

ThatCheeryDenimBalonz · 12/10/2025 19:56

All I’m saying is I work in education and I see the impact it has on children when mums/dads are away for work…

oldmoaner · 12/10/2025 20:03

Are your DC both boys? Or is there a girl that would maybe be starting her periods? and need a bit of female assurance /advice? It depends on how mature the DC are plus if DH would be ok getting them to and from school, never have to go into work for meetings or want to go out with friends. I know if kids get into any trouble it's no good blaming DH it won't work like that. But if your 100% sure and also guaranteed a job at the end of it ok, but who can Guarantee you'll get your dream job in 2 years time ? Nothing In this life is guaranteed.

Pinkbasketcase · 12/10/2025 20:05

Go for it!!

Open an honest conversation as well being clear with DH and child will help with the smooth transition. This is your time to do what you love and with a supportive partner there is absolutely no reason you could not do this!

Currently staying away for 2 for uni.. Taking a wee while for the youngest to adjust but I know they will be ok.

Sometimessmiling · 12/10/2025 20:12

Could you do it remotely with Open Uni?

Frostynoman · 12/10/2025 20:13

I say go for it - there’s always the option to defer if it goes south but again, as an early OP pointed out, you are going to be home a lot of the time and during their holidays

T1Dmama · 12/10/2025 20:14

Horserider5678 · 12/10/2025 19:08

Do her husband has to move for her? And because he’s not prepared to he’s being unreasonable! Yet she basically wants to dump her children on him, play at being a student and she’s not unreasonable! I can guarantee this will go one of 2 ways, she’ll drop out or her marriage will end, which is perhaps what she actually wants!

Show quote history

So she’s given up career and freedom and he’s carried on with his… now she wants to progress her career he gets to shut that down?
she’s not ‘dumping her kids’ if this was a reverse and a man was asking about working away 5 days a week and the wife was refusing to compromise everyone would be telling her to let him further his career…
why when a man works away is it ok, but a woman is being selfish and ‘dumping’ her kids

Shotokan101 · 12/10/2025 20:14

Ablondiebutagoody · 11/10/2025 00:17

I would want more than 1 day per week with my kids

Your choice..... not really relevant for the OP either way.....

Trishyb10 · 12/10/2025 20:14

DO IT ! When my daughter was age five i took on a huge mortgage to move gve my daughter a better neighbourhood to grow up in … i worked long shifts around the clock and worked most weekends Friday til monday sleeping in the works office.. i did this from her being 5 - 16 .. not great at all… but your only talking of 2 years “hardship” for want on a better word then you should reap the rewards. So go,go,go girl while you can xx x and best of luck

thenightsky · 12/10/2025 20:15

Youcannotbeseriou · 11/10/2025 00:22

so to respond to a few questions-
I haven’t broached it with kids yet. Still weighing things up. So couldn’t say how they’d react really. But DH used to be away for weeks on end with his job and they just took it as part of life.
DH knows how I love this work, supports my move into it, but doesn’t want to move closer to where I’d be training.
it is a well financed course (not completely, but a lot of bursaries and automatic qualification for student finance) and a pre registration one, so should be good to find a job. Also my current employer is wanting me to return as a qualified practitioner and I love the team and company.

DH used to be away for weeks on end with his job and they just took it as part of life

This would make it a yes, go, for me.

Christwosheds · 12/10/2025 20:15

Friends’ Dad worked away on ships and would be gone for months. They were fine with it and have a very good relationship with him as adults. This was obviously pre things like FaceTime.
I would not have wanted to be away from my dc for so long, but it sound like a very good step for you all round and it isn’t forever, just for the course. Would there be days you could work from home ?

Shotokan101 · 12/10/2025 20:17

Youcannotbeseriou · 10/10/2025 23:56

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

I think that you've already made the (right😇) choice - go for it, you can't rewind time for a redo and get the opportunity again later.......

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 12/10/2025 20:26

Youcannotbeseriou · 11/10/2025 00:38

Interesting perspective. Sorry it was hard for you, I’ll bear that in mind too.

Show quote history

My Mum did this and I was proud of her for bettering herself. Depends on your family dynamics and what type of kids they are.
My dad worked away a lot too but don't resent him.

EBearhug · 12/10/2025 20:27

She's not moving to a silent order of nuns in part of Outer Mongolia.. She's going to a UK university town. This means she'd be able to speak to her kids by phone, email, whatsapp, facetime, whatever, and be home at weekends. It might not be the same as being there all the time, but she won't be totally incommunicado, as some of you seem to be implying.

T1Dmama · 12/10/2025 20:28

Shotokan101 · 12/10/2025 20:14

Your choice..... not really relevant for the OP either way.....

Show quote history

Agreed… plus one full day of quality time where @Youcannotbeseriou is happy is better than 2 days plus evenings where op is miserable and feeling resentful.

I’m shocked that so many people still think a woman is horrible for putting herself above her husbands wants and shocked people think it’s ok for him to shut this down without even looking into making it possible.

I gave up everything for motherhood…. My now ex husband has buggared off and left me to parent 24/7 alone… I’ve no career so struggle financially… perhaps if I’d retrained and had a career we’d be sitting pretty now and I’d be able to afford to take her on holidays every year rather than having no money at the end of every month and being depressed because I know my car needs a new handbrake and how the hell am I going to afford that plus her birthday treats and gifts!

Sometimes we have to invest in ourselves!! And the kids benefit in the long run!

Sandy483 · 12/10/2025 20:31

I wouldn't do it and i wouldn't have a child with a man who worked away either. Kids need their parents around IMO. I can't imagine your kids will be overjoyed with the idea of it either.