To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

I wouldn’t because if all childcare got left to men there would be lots of children with issues. I am a feminist but I don’t think it’s helpful to ignore that woman are usually more nurturing and in tune with their children. My partners breasts didn’t leak when my children cried, he didn’t feel like he’d lost a limb when he was away from them as babies. I had a very hands on and lovely dad but I needed my mum more at that age

There are currently lots of children with issues. Look at anxiety and mental health stats. Perhaps women aren't doing such an amazing job.

I just don't think the OPs breasts are going to be leaking whilst leaving her 10 and 12 year olds for 3/4nights a week in the hope of bettering herself.

Im finding this thread bringing up a lot of feelings.

I was the child in this situation, and I wish my mum had gone.

I was old enough to be happy with a bit of space. I was really far too old for anyone to sacrifice their career for.

Having my mum organise her life around me was far too much pressure. I didn't like it then, and it has ongoing negative impacts now.

Finding your update post really inspirational @Youcannotbeseriouand really hope you go for it. Like a PP I really wish my mum had done something like this and fulfilled more of her potential

No, there is no "generic man" who would always act in the same way. I married one who made sacrifices at work to be home for bedtime virtually every night. And I don't know a single one who is 3 hours away from his kids all week most weeks, apart from dads who see their children EOW. TBF children survive this fine, but of course there are costs to it.

I think the accusations of sexism on this thread are overstated. There are broadly those who are arguing it's fine for any parent to do it, and those who wouldn't want to do it as a man or woman. I don't think there are many saying it's completely fine for men but women shouldn't. I feel like those on the "it's fine" side are projecting an assumption onto everyone else that "no one bats an eyelid" if men do it. I disagree. I think the people who think it's fine for men to do it are largely a separate group from those who are counselling OP against it.

But I do think OP's choices are too stark and there should be room for a less nuclear compromise somewhere.

Sounds like you've made your mind up already. I sense no love for your family.

Really? I know plenty of men and womenwho do shift work, and so are practically absent for a week at a time. Some with project work who never get home before 9pm in the weeks at the end of a project. Plenty who spend weeks travelling.

it sounds s wonderful opportunity, its now ot never, I believe children will adapt, its not like youre not goong home regularly while studying. Good luck OP

Just do it !

However, be prepared to accommodate something from your DH when you have completed your course

helo, I havent read your updates so appologies if you have covered this...but have you considered online study? I work for a university that does law conversion courses and if you want to DM me I'd be happy to send you some info. Online study can be super engaged when its run by a uni that has a good amount of experience in adapting there programmes for online.
I think it would be unreasonable to prevent you from pursuing something that would clearly give you a lot of fulfillment but I can see why they wouldn't want to move. Maybe there is a compromise.
Good Luck.

Christ.

100% do it! You will be setting the BEST example to your children that you can have and enjoy a career not settling for what makes you unhappy

I think reading your updates OP, there’s little point anyone pointing out the negatives as you’re not really interested. (I’m not being rude, just this is how it seems).

I will say again though, your DH works full-time - not like the part-time hours you did when he worked away. It means he will effectively be a lone parent Mon-Fri while working FT - so that’s hard going.

And yes, I know there are thousands of single parents (usually women) doing the same - but we normally all acknowledge what hard work it is.

And then when you are home you’ll need to study.

I’m not trying to dissuade you as you’ve very clearly decided this is what you want to do. But it’s not “sauce for the gander” etc as your DH will have to be the breadwinner, run the household, and do all the child-related stuff. And then even when you ARE there you’ll still need to study.

Just think really hard about what needs to be put in place to make this fair on everyone. It is only two years but that’s going to feel like a long slog for your DH and maybe your DC too.

And yes, if a man suggested working away or studying I’d say the same. Your sex is irrelevant.

If he could drop to working P/T as you did, that would make it easier but as he’s the only breadwinner and you’ll have extra costs for living away, he doesn’t have that option.

What, because she’s not willing to be a total martyr all her life?

Well yes you can technically do it .but you will lose two years of your kids growing up no matter that others say there dad is there .you are there mother and your relationship will be damaged. They are coming into puberty so no you shouldn't leave them .yes you want a career part time is not enough but you could probably do this through open university see if that is an option because abandoning your kids might get you a dream job but the cost is resentful children. Yes I will get jumped on about men doing it bla bla but it's not the same let's not kid ourselves it is

Plenty of families have one parent (mainly dad) working away Monday- Fri. Many military families where one parent (again mainly the dad) are away for months on end.

theres no reason your family cannot make it work as well.

its 2 years. It’s weekdays and not every week all year and you can be around the rest of the time - go for it. It’ll benefit you all in the longer term.

No, you’re the one who brought it up and worded it as though it’s all on her. don’t try to back track this is on you.

Or they feel so abandoned and would never do such a thing to there own kids ..I wonder. it's not exciting mum being home if you feel abonded the rest of the time maybe crying yourself to sleep .but then some of today's mothers believe they are more important. Happy mum happy child shit

I haven't seen anyone say soldiers shouldn't have children.

Tell us more about your user name and why you are such a fed up mum if having kids is so fulfilling?
Ridiculous hyperbolic nonsense that kids old enough to understand will cry themselves to sleep because their mum studies away from home barely half the weeks of the year. She will still be at home twice as much as she is away.

Lol correct sometimes I can be fed up of my children .sometimes you ever wonder do they ever grow up .but clearly that's tounge in cheek .would I have left my children for half there life's for two years .because let's be honest .with studying and work placements .she won't be present a lot of the time even when at home .the answer is no I would never have sacrificed one mad /tiring /sometimes frustrating moment .

I do think there's a difference between working away because the money will really benefit the family, and because the parent just prefers to do it. Particularly the message it sends to the children - "I find my work more interesting and important than you" as opposed to "I'd love to be with you all the time, but am working away to support us as best I can". I'm not sure from your post, which was the case for you.

There's an interesting book by Emily Oster, which looks at the data on lots of contentious parenting issues, and studies show that in very poor families, there is likely to be better child outcomes, if both parents go back to work full time. However in moderately wealthy or rich families, this effect wasn't seen. Although obviously there are lots of other factors and parents working or being SAH wasn't be-all or end-all.

Can't say about the parent being frustrated part. I would hope that any adult would do their best to manage their emotions in a responsible way - obviously this will be harder to do, if living in extreme poverty for example (or God forbid someone comes down with a life ending or limiting illness or whatever). But imo, "being a bit bored" isn't a good reason for being unable to cope / be good company around one's family. Again, just my opinion. I'm sure not everyone feels this way.

Must admit I didn't read all the posts who does with this many .it looks like the op not really wanting opinions as such just wanted folk to validate her choice .but as she freely admits she never wanted to be a mother .probably best she goes because no matter how she kids herself children always know .you may never say it but they know when they were not wanted poor kids either way

Everyone is different, my DH is an IT consultant and was used to travelling everywhere prior to having chidlren, but he couldn't cope with missing key moments of the DC's development, so took a job closer to home for less pay, but was more flexible so he could attend all the important moments, put children to bed, plays, sports days etc.

You have to do what is best for yourself, husband and children, if you think you can make it work then go for it.