Bedroom dilemma

[soniiaa]

Me and DP are moving in together and we don’t know how to sort out the bedrooms. It’s a 4 bed house.

I have -
DS11 (is with me 90% of the time)
DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays)

DP has -
DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday)
DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week)

DP would ideally like his kids to have their own rooms, but then so would I. Maybe this is unreasonable with DD being at uni? Would really appreciate peoples thoughts!

Knowing that your daughter no longer sees her Father because she has no space of her own at his place...
..you are deciding to move somewhere where she has no space of her own

Good plan 🙄

Do you have to move in together, can it be delayed?

I’ve actually said because of what her dad has done I won’t do that 🤷🏼‍♀️

DS11 own room. DS16 own room. DD18 and DS19 use the same room. When they are both there at the same time they take it in turns (in terms of days, not alternating one day with one week for example). Both have own storage in the room, with access to a good quality sofa bed in sitting room if there isn’t another downstairs room that can be made a more private room for them.

Why do you need to
move in together now?

If you can’t keep dedicated beds for all the children, I don’t think you should move in together yet.

There is no one for dd to share with. It is inappropriate to ask your son to share with boys he hasn’t grown up with. If you want to move in together that means the two brothers sharing, presumably the largest room.

if that doesn’t work, just postpone the move until your more of your children have their own independent permanent housing.

Excellent! So....how have you decided to split the bedrooms now?

It could be I guess. We’ve been together 6 years and are getting married next year so I don’t really know how much longer we can delay it though

You might need to accept that your respective kids aren’t yet old enough for you and your DP to live together if you can only afford fewer bedrooms than you need.

If you insist, something has to give. The youngest two are there the most and should have their own rooms, that seems non-negotiable. One or both of the adults is going to have to accept that they can’t have a permanent bedroom when they use it infrequently. Your DD might get a PT job in her uni town and not come home all holidays? Is the 19yo DSS really going to keep spending 2 nights a week in his non-resident parent’s house?

We haven’t decided still unfortunately. I don’t know what’s best to do. I feel his 2 should share as he rarely has them at the same time but at his house now they have their own rooms so I can understand why he doesn’t want to take that away.

Buy the 4 bed and convert the loft?

But your alternative is DP buying a house and having his kids share a room. I wouldn’t go for that. My DC always has a bedroom to come home from Uni to. There’s no way I’d make him homeless. Find another house that works or living together light be quite short lived.

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I would hold off moving in until the needs of all of the dc can be met. If this is your dcs primary home then their needs must take priority. I can't imagine how insecure it would be for your dd not to have her own space when she come home from uni.

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Could you rent a 5 bed for a few years? You could each buy a flat as an investment. It's quite risky to buy with a boyfriend anyway. It sounds a bit complicated to move in together and all the children will have to sacrifice something. If I was a teen, I would hate have to share a house with other kids. Could you continue to live separately until the children are all grown up?

THIS

Kids whose parents stay in awful marriages for money and convenience also didn't ask for it and yet nobody feels sorry for them (most of the time). (I was that kid, before anyone asks).

If you can’t afford a 5 bed you need to find a 4 bed that has either:

1. a loft that can be converted
2. a seperate reception room that can be used as a 5th bedroom when DD is back from uni
3. a garden room or maybe even a big driveway where you could park a caravan or something that again DD can use when she is back?

Ditto! DD is 21 and still has her own room for when she comes home during reading week and holidays. That said, my brother snapped up my room when I went to uni and I slept in the dining room!

I moved once my DDs were away at university, my DDs had their original home though, I fortunately didn’t have to sell immediately, they thus could have stayed with their father but chose not to🤷‍♀️

I do. No where did I say she should have stayed in a shit marriage. I'm saying she should think twice about moving in with a bloke when they can't afford to do it without the children having a worse deal than they do now, ie have privacy and their own space.

We had a blended family. Everyone had their own room. It was expensive.

But the first couple of years were really hard. Even though we’d been together 4 years before we lived together and the kids all supported it. But it was tough. Tough and hard in ways you cannot begin to imagine.

Everyone needed a place to escape to. 4 bedrooms is not going to work and will put real pressure on.

Any child at uni or not there some of the time also needs their own space to retreat to. The tension and arguments are high at first. You don’t need shared rooms to add to that.

DP's kids will have to share.

Work out when you expect DD and DSS to move out- this differs family to family. If this is less than 3 years, stay out in current accommodation.

If more than 3 years, then you are going to be better off getting a 5 bed.