Bedroom dilemma

[soniiaa]

Me and DP are moving in together and we don’t know how to sort out the bedrooms. It’s a 4 bed house.

I have -
DS11 (is with me 90% of the time)
DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays)

DP has -
DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday)
DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week)

DP would ideally like his kids to have their own rooms, but then so would I. Maybe this is unreasonable with DD being at uni? Would really appreciate peoples thoughts!

Hope your relationship survives the test of time, because you will need someone to give a bugger about you, once your kids work out (and that will happen fast) that you chose a boyfriend over their happiness and stability.

You have stuck your fingers in your ears for the whole thread.

As someone suggested earlier, the two of you are the ones dragging the kids into a situation they don't want and have no say in, so YOU TWO should be sleeping in the living room and letting them have a bedroom each.

In the unfortunate scenario you have posted, it's abundantly obvious your DPs kids have to share, but you won't argue for that because you don't want to upset your man. I wonder how many other times you've put his wants over their rights and needs.

The simplest solution would be to do the right thing and not move your kids in with a man and his kids and let them all at least finish school before you disrupt their lives so significantly.

The odds are against you staying with this man and are high that your kids will have adverse outcomes.

But you do you. Because that's your plan anyway.

Apologies if this is too personal, but im struggling with how if OP and her partner can both afford independently to give their children separate rooms, they cant afford to when they pool resources for a joint property? I would have thought 2 x 3-bedroom houses would easily fund 1 x 5-bedroom?

If not, i agree with prior posters that you should wait a few more years before marrying/moving in together. A 4-bedroom house wont meet your blended family’s needs and a hasty move could have long-term implications (even if you dont fully realise the extent until later down the line)

Do you need to apportion them now? The times when all of them require a bed at the same time isn’t going to be that often. Whoever is in the house gets their own room (it might not be the same one each time), and when everyone is home you and your partner take the sofa bed in the living room or dining room.

You were not being told that the room you had always had to yourself was now to be taken away from you so your mother could share a bed full time with her boyfriend - not because she needed to (as she already sees him plenty) but because she wants to.

You were not being told another person's children were being preferenced over you, that they would get their own room but you would be stripped of the one you had always had.

You were not being told you were being moved out of your own home and would now be sharing a house with a man and some boys you weren't related to - because your mum wants to hang on to her boyfriend.

For these children, sharing a room will indeed be a big deal, which is why OPs boyfriend is lobbying for his to be the favoured kids and hers to be the unfavoured ones.

You could not possibly have thought your comment held any sort of reasonable analogy.

How dramatic. One of the boys is 19 and there like once a week. It’s not that big a deal if he has to bunk in with his 16 year old brother.

Not the point of the thread but that’s not surprising if he’s the one who has the chilled out weekends/fun time/ no demands and mom is the one checking homework is done and making sure he gets up early every day etc. He might prefer dad but majority of parenting is being done by mother.

Nah, just stating the facts clearly.

As already explained, yep it is a big deal.

But then, you already know that which is why the only argument you had was to make an analogy that wasn't in any way relevant :)

Christ, some of these comments! I have emotionally and financially supported my children their entire lives, without much input from their dad. I have sacrificed no end of things. But I’m not allowed to have a ‘sex life’ (as someone crudely put it), until both adult kids decide they no longer wish to stay at all? What if they’re both in their 30s by that point?

All kids have expressed they are fine to live together. So thank you to the people who have made actual suggestions on how to accommodate this. I will try to ignore the ones who imply I am the worst mother around since Rosemary West!

What facts? Do you know the 19 year old and his feelings on this? Or are you just projecting your own issues?

For the record I am absolutely against the whole blended family thing I think it’s a terrible idea to subject children to that for the sake of your own relationship. It’s highly selfish. But I cannot get worked up about a 19 year old’s circumstances changing in terms of whether or not he has to share a room once a week.

Have a scroll up and read my other posts.

Nah, I stated the facts, and pointed out your analogy was irrelevant, and now you're triggered.

You can keep going on and on and on and on and on if you like. Won't change the facts though :)

The facts are as I stated. You're welcome :)

It's always a real shock to be told the truth when people have been politely not doing that.

So, up until now you've performed your duties as a parent. Good. That's your job.

Nobody said you can't fuck your boyfriend, and nobody said you were Rosemary West (odd comment).

Nobody suggested you wait until they're 30 either.

But I suppose that as you have no reasonable argument, you have to rely on logical fallacies (straw man being the obvious one) to soothe yourself.

Everyone knows that blended families rarely work, that your kids are going to be disadvantaged and far less happy than remaining where they are and everyone knows you care more about getting what you want than you do about that reality.

There's no reason at all to force your kids to live with a man and his sons, beyond that's what you want. Just accept it, because that's how your kids will see it and this is the reality of how everyone in real life sees you too.

Well maybe the odd selfish person who puts their boyfriend/girlfriend and their own wants over the needs, stability and happiness of their kids might try to give you a pass, but most will see it exactly as I have said).

Get used to it.

You sound deeply unpleasant. Op has quite eloquently put her point across but you just seem hell bent on telling her what a dreadful selfish person she is. It isn’t the truth, it’s your opinion. Don’t be so arrogant as to assume otherwise.

She is entitled to a life. The room situation is not ideal but it is also not unworkable. People just love to stick the boot in here especially when it concerns blended families.

What on earth are you on about? We’ve been together nearly 7 years, are getting married next year and he’s brought my son up (when his own dad couldn’t be bothered).

Your comment is deeply unpleasant, mine just is factual.

You seem hell bent on trying to silence people who speak facts that trigger you.

Yep, OP is being selfish. It's good that she has been outright told that. It won't change anything, probably, but at least she can't pretend she didn't know the truth when it all goes tits up.

Caring mothers put their kids needs over their boyfriend's wants. She can't say she wasn't warned.

I wouldn’t bother op. This poster sounds deranged. Probably projecting some of her own issues and poor experience of blended families onto you.

Im always dubious of anyone who states their opinion as if it’s a god given fact.

I think the only person here who is triggered is very obviously you. You are speaking as if your opinion is a fact, as if you know more about the op’s family and circumstances than she does. You are embarrassing yourself.

Nope, he doesn't live with your kids so he definitely hasn't brought any of them up. It doesn't matter if he's had input in their lives that is not in any way the same as sharing a house with them and raising them.

But you already know that.

Your ex is utterly irrelevant to this scenario, stop playing victim, lots of women get over divorces and manage not to move their children in with a man and his sons to suit themselves.

He's your boyfriend, whose wants you are choosing over your kids' needs.

My comment stands exactly as it is.

Speaking kindly and with some level of hindsight, from the viewpoint of someone who was told at 19 to move out to make space for the 'younger ones' i.e. step siblings because I was going to Uni:

• Uni is not home. You are home.
• Uni Terms are not like school terms so that 40% you mention feels a lot longer and would be unsettling without a secure base
• What if visits required mid-term - impromptu eg illness or support required (have had this with a uni-aged child)
• Nowhere to call own home with own space.

For me I was permanently scarred and subject to decisions and situations as a young woman, which I wouldn't have made or had less negative impact, if I had a solid home base.

You are right to have your concern and the fact that she is older and temporarily in and out due to uni, should not cloud anyone's judgement that support to launch at this age and in this current economy, is a lot more than 'just a room'.

As you are still looking, I hope you can find a home like a PP said, with enough convertible space, to make room for that 1 extra child whomever it might be. Best Wishes.

Nah, facts are facts, and I don't care how angry that makes you :) I mean I genuinely do not care, at all, one way or another, it just doesn't affect me at all.

You can keep going on and on and on and on if you like - it is cringeworthily embarrassing but it won't change the facts which are as I stated.

His son stays one night a week and has a bedroom 6 nights a week there.

Your daughter hasn't a bedroom at her fathers and would potentially lose it at your new home.

I don't think you should be moving in with a man who believes that is ok.

He certainly isn't caring about your daughter.

His boys should share, or you don't move forward.

I don't think a good mother would consider the option of her not having a room anywhere.

I think you will potentially be undoing all your good parenting, cause a rift, and rightly permanently damage your relationship with her.

NO man is worth this.

Just to clarify, he does underhand that DD can’t share with anyone, and that she does need her own space. We just can’t work out how to make it fair for everyone 🙂

I tried to point out earlier that the fact that her boyfriend is pushing for this despite it being so unfair augurs very badly indeed for how he will treat her children once he has more power and control.

She's not listening.

OP sees her self as a heroine who has struggled through untold adversity and her prize is now to get to live in a house with her boyfriend, regardless of her kids' needs.

You don’t care but you’re repeatedly commenting the same drivel over and over. Righto.

I think you have probably had some sort of negative experience with blended families and you are massively projecting your feelings onto op. You are burying your head in the sand and making yourself look very foolish with your repeated ‘I’m right, it’s a fact, la la la I can’t hear you’ attitude.

But people like yourself are seldom broad minded enough to be able to tolerate or understand any opinion or way of life different to your own. It’s a shame.

Please see my most recent comment.